Alexis is not just wet behind the ears


Name: Alexis
Age (at the time): 17

As a freshman in college it was a rule that you move in a week before class started. My roommate had moved in with the rest of us but decided to leave her stuff there and stay at home with her boyfriend until classes started so I had the room to my self.

Because it was the first week and classes hadn’t started yet frats held parties every night to show off how much fun they were. Coming from a town where a party is a bonfire and a few cases of Keystone Light I wasn’t exactly prepared for the lifestyle I was about to enter into.

After going to non stop parties for 3 days straight I was starting to feel the effects. Sleeping all day, grabbing some shitty fast food then getting smashed off of jungle juice and cheap vodka was becoming a daily routine.

One night I was pre-gaming with some friends in the dorm, getting ready to go to some big party. When we arrived they told us only girls were allowed in. Not wanting to leave our guy friends, and being way too drunk to get home alone, we all left and went to grab a burrito close to home…that was the last thing I remember. Next thing I knew I was in the back of an ambulance drunkenly flirting with the EMT’s and trying not to let anyone know I’d peed my pants.

I pieced together the rest of my night from cell phone videos, the things my friends told me and the bits and pieces that I remember.

After leaving the party we’d gone to a mexican restaurant nearby.
There I held a very loud conversation with some black chicks about how I was biracial and my mom would be pissed if she knew I was drunk. I then asked them if they were still black. They were. My friends told me that I then saw some people I knew (impossible because they were the only people I knew) and decided to leave with them. Somehow I made it back to my dorm, past security, up 3 flights of stairs and into my room where I changed into pjs. Apparently I then had to pee.

Sometimes when I’m drunk I have to take my pants all the way off to pee other wise I trip on them, a fact that has caused me some problems in the past. While I was in the bathroom stall, completely naked from the waist down and peeing, I started to throw up and promptly passed out on the ground. One of my neighbors who I had only met once before found me there, half naked, drunk and mumbling nonsense and deduced that I had been raped. She called the police and I was whisked away to the hospital.
After flirting with the EMT’S (for some reason they didn’t seem very interested)I was placed in a wheelchair and parked in the waiting room until a bed opened up for me to sleep off my inebriation. By this time I was once again a semi-lucid, extremely friendly drunk. I spent the next hour wheeling around the waiting room in my wheelchair, talking to nurses, telling them they were pretty, and holding conversations with mexican patients in spanish… I don’t speak. At some point in the night a man came in that had been shot. His mom was in the same waiting room as me and she was crying. I wheeled up to her and said, “Don’t worry, God’s watching. It will be ok” and gave her a hug. Who knew I could be so comforting?

Finally a room opened up and a nurse told me to go to sleep and when I woke up I could leave. I woke up 5 hours later at 10 am and realized that my mom was coming to visit at noon. I also realized that somewhere in the night I had peed my pants. I asked the nurse for an orange juice, tried to fix my hair and makeup and went out side to ask a cop for a ride back to my dorm. He gave me one and told me not to worry, this happens to everyone when their a freshman. He parked in front of my dorm, and walked around to let me out of the back seat. Of course, there were about 5 parents coming to visit their kids that got to witness a still kind of drunk, freshman girl with pee pants and a hospital bracelet get dropped off by a cop.

Dear Alexis, it’s always fun when Freshmen write in.  You didn’t even change before you jumped into the cop’s ride?  Don’t trip, you’re probably not the only person who has left foul urine scent on a cop’s backseat, but damn girl, at least throw down a towel.  Also, keep us updated with your journey.

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