Ahh, it’s time for college orientation once again. In the next few weeks, you’re going to learn a lot about your new roommate. Let’s get the obvious out of the way: You’re both going to fap more than a couple of juvenile Spider Monkeys. This is completely normal and acceptable. However, bad ‘post ejaculation’ habits need to be avoided at all costs. Here are the 4 types of Masturbation fouls you pray your new roommate doesn’t make.
The Tissue Tarter (Failed Basketball Tryout)
Tissues are the least offensive item on our list. In fact, the only reason they even made it is because, when not disposed of properly, they can make your place smell and look like sh*t. The last thing you want your brand new GF to see, is the waste basket near your computer surrounded by a bunch of tissues from where your roommate tried to hit a 3 pointer from the couch.
The Tube Sock Saucer
Just when you don’t think a pair of dirty socks laying around could get any nastier, they do. That is of course when they’re plastered stiff in certain areas.
The Bathroom Rug Defiler
The bathroom rug is the second most offensive place for roommates to blow their load because A) It’s hard as hell to get spunk out of a rug without fully washing it (ask me how I know this) and B) There is a chance that the spunk won’t be dry yet. Thus, you will have baby batter stuck to your foot. You might as well just tickle his ball sack with your big toe and let him jizz directly onto you.
The Bed Adulteration Ninja
Eat the last hot pocket? Accidentally throw away his biology paper? Forget to tell him that you borrowed his COD disk? Usually the above offenses would be dealt with via reasonable rage, and some light physical contact. Unfortunately, you may come across a breed of people who step their revenge tactics up a notch. The above example can, and has lead people to accidentally sleep in a puddle of human semen without realizing what happened.
The revenge fappers are the worst kind of roommate because they will always one up you. Nothing can beat the violation you’ll feel once you figure out he splooged in your bed because you pissed him off. Well, there is, but it involves you being asleep with your mouth open…we won’t get into that this week.