Regretful Morning

4 Roommates With Masturbation Habits You Need To Avoid

Posted September 1st, 2010 at 4:40 pm by

Ahh, it’s time for college orientation once again.  In the next few weeks, you’re going to learn a lot about your new roommate.  Let’s get the obvious out of the way: You’re both going to fap more than a couple of juvenile Spider Monkeys.  This is completely normal and acceptable.  However, bad ‘post ejaculation’ habits need to be avoided at all costs.   Here are the 4 types of Masturbation fouls you pray your new roommate doesn’t make.
The Tissue Tarter (Failed Basketball Tryout)

Tissues are the least offensive item on our list.  In fact, the only reason they even made it is because, when not disposed of properly, they can make your place smell and look like sh*t.  The last thing you want your brand new GF to see, is the waste basket near your computer surrounded by a bunch of tissues from where your roommate tried to hit a 3 pointer from the couch.

The Tube Sock Saucer

Just when you don’t think a pair of dirty socks laying around could get any nastier, they do.  That is of course when they’re plastered stiff in certain areas.

The Bathroom Rug Defiler

The bathroom rug is the second most offensive place for roommates to blow their load because A) It’s hard as hell to get spunk out of a rug without fully washing it (ask me how I know this) and B) There is a chance that the spunk won’t be dry yet.  Thus, you will have baby batter stuck to your foot.  You might as well just tickle his ball sack with your big toe and let him jizz directly onto you.

The Bed Adulteration Ninja

Eat the last hot pocket?  Accidentally throw away his biology paper? Forget to tell him that you borrowed his COD disk?  Usually the above offenses would be dealt with via reasonable rage, and some light physical contact.  Unfortunately, you may come across a breed of people who step their revenge tactics up a notch.  The above example can, and has lead people to accidentally sleep in a puddle of human semen without realizing what happened.

The revenge fappers are the worst kind of roommate because they will always one up you.  Nothing can beat the violation you’ll feel once you figure out he splooged in your bed because you pissed him off.  Well, there is, but it involves you being asleep with your mouth open…we won’t get into that this week.

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12 Comments
  • BMOC
    September 1, 2010
    Reply


    #1

    I jerked off on my roommates pillow once but it was a dare

    • gay roommate
      September 1, 2010
      Reply


      #2

      I was awake and watching the whole time fag

      • Ross
        September 2, 2010
        Reply


        #3

        Doesn’t that make you the fag?

        • gay roommate
          September 2, 2010
          Reply


          #4

          only if the balls touch

          • didnt have a gay moment at summer camp
            September 4, 2010
            Reply


            #5

            when u were asleep i compared dick sizes and my balls accidently touched urs….

          • gay roommate
            September 4, 2010
            Reply


            #6

            I was awake the whole time, hence the boner.

  • Straight like an arrow
    September 9, 2010
    Reply


    #7

    Oh you two, just kiss, exchange goop and get over yourselves!

  • Haha
    September 9, 2010
    Reply


    #8

    I once cummed on the sweat band on the inside of a guys hat cause I thought he liked my girlfriend. I laughed everytime I saw him wearing it.

  • Seeker
    March 29, 2011
    Reply


    #9

    Who in the world are those three girls? Someone please email me and tell me!

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