Last week Ted from Standard Madness.com challenged me to a contest that I thought I was going to win. Sadly, it’s not looking that way right now.
You see, Ted is from Romania and he thinks his country and his penis are the best things to happen since sliced bread. I tried to explain that his country sucks and his women are hairy, but that only escalated into a dick measuring contest.
The Contest: We have to see who can get laid first using a dating website.
USA vs. Romania
- Rule 1) Can’t use adult friend finder or craigslist
- Rule 2) Can not buy a prostitute
Even though rule 2 destroyed a lot of my game, I was still confident I could win this. After a few unsuccessful attempts I decided I would teach you exactly what NOT to say if you’re using a dating website for the sole purpose of getting laid.
Marriage Is For The Weak
The first girl stopped talking to me when I said this. It was a joke but deep down I might actually feel this way. My views on why today’s divorce rate is astronomical compared to that of 50 years ago were quickly ignored along with every other message I sent her after that.
I Like Sleeping Alone
Don’t ever tell a semi attractive Asian girl named Nicole that you you enjoy one night stands because “it gets the clingers out.” Dick jokes and crude humor don’t get you anywhere in the cyber dating world.
Girls With Babies Only Want A Daddy
Don’t really like kids? Don’t say it. Just click on “undecided” when it comes to having them, but don’t exclude the single moms. Just because they got a giant load fired in them during “a bad point in their life” doesn’t mean mean they should be excluded. And even though she says her wild days are behind her, she still wants the old meat whistle, raw and dirty. Sadly, they don’t really like it when you say “kids = baggage.” I was kind of close on this one.
Inviting Someone Over For Drinks And A Movie Doesn’t Work
Inviting someone over you met on the internet is a lot different than inviting a hammered girl you met an hour earlier at your favorite bar. A sober girl knows that drinks and a movie = Danger Zone. Opening up with this line automatically puts the “I’m just an asshole looking to get laid” vibe out there.
Conclusion: After one week of fail I could use some dating website pointers. If your idea seems legit, I will try it.
EDIT: I won this game on 7/24/2010 – thanks everyone who sent me advice!