Regretful Morning

6 Ways To Get A Blowjob Without A Girl

Posted June 3rd, 2010 at 11:32 am by

With or without a girlfriend, receiving a BJ can be a difficult task. When you don’t have a girlfriend, your main goal is only to hook up. Thus, you usually won’t complain if your date gives you a quick tug job during a movie.

If you do in fact have a girlfriend, you’re still not in the clear. Although we’d all love to come home and say “man work f*cking sucked today, honey can I get a beej?” it doesn’t usually work that way.  Sure, a very small percentage of girlfriends are down to polish knob 7 days a week, but for the most part, they need to be lubed up with dinner and wine first.  And brace yourself, some girlfriends don’t go down at all.

Don’t trip chocolate chip, we’re going to show you how to get a “near BJ experience” using common household items.

Vacuum Cleaner


Most of the time, vacuum cleaners come with an assortment of extensions and adjustable power controls.  You’re going to want to use a clean extension, and a very low setting to start.  I suggest you practice on your hand a few times before you take the plunge.  Also, don’t fully submerge your junk into the vacuum.  If you don’t leave room for airflow, you will end up with injuries.  Side note: stay close to the off switch just in case.

Bottle of Moisturizer


Finding a bottle of moisturizer that fits you can be a difficult task.  When you do finally find a perfect fit, it will be like a match made in heaven.  Simply dip your stick into a half used bottle, and give it a few squeezes.  This causes suction, which will blow your mind and load all over the place.

Ham


Have a leftover ham in the fridge? Perfect!  First save the good pieces that you still want to eat, then pull the bone out of the ham.  Chances are, you’ve got some cranberry sauce laying around too – So go ahead and dump some into the hole where the bone was.  Toss everything into the microwave for 30 seconds.  Test the hole with your finger to make sure it isn’t too hot, drop your pants and let the magic happen.

Warm Jell-O


Step 1) Heat up Jell-O
Step 2) Pour into open mouth cylinder
Step 3) Penetrate the Jell-O and pull out quickly to cause epic friction
Step 4) Finish up
Step 5) Eat the Jell-O

J/K, you don’t really have to heat up the Jell-O

Family Pet


It isn’t a good list if it doesn’t get at least one piece of hate mail.  This one is for you PETA.  Simply marinate your genitals in your pet’s favorite food.  Now sit on the couch and wait.  Don’t make eye contact with your pet though because that would make you a f*cking perv.

Self


If you’ve got the gift of flexibility and your penile unit measures in above average, there is a good chance you’ll be able to take care of yourself.  The most effective self BJ can be performed via laying down.  Toss your legs up behind your ears and let gravity do the rest.  Warning: While in a state of euphoria, you might forget that you are laying on your back.  Just keep in mind that you may receive a self facial.

Disclaimer: We won’t take any responsibility if you try these and get hurt and/or thrown in jail.

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10 Comments
  • Robert Geczi
    January 16, 2011
    Reply


    #1

    I love the last pic…cute, but hits the point DEAD ON!

    Nice.

  • Jack
    March 23, 2011
    Reply


    #2

    Nice article. However, there is a new thing on getting blowjobs, it could be interesting

  • df
    March 28, 2011
    Reply


    #3

    umm the pic with the dog is supor dangerous lol ANd I do not think anyone would be that desperate lol

  • SadMan
    April 2, 2011
    Reply


    #4

    There’s always the option of “cruising” .

  • Jack
    May 11, 2011
    Reply


    #5

    I had a girlfriend for 1 year and I couldn’t convince her to give me a blowjob. Then I’ve searched on Google and found this incredible book about how to get a blowjob. You should check it!

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