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5 People You Will Meet At The Beach This Summer

Now that beach season is upon us, we’re bound to bump into a variety of different people at the beach and/or pool.  And at some point, you may find yourself questioning their choice of bathing attire. We’re here to summarize those choices and to clear up any confusion by explaining to you what they actually mean.

Old Guy In A Speedo


What he wants you to see: I’m still young enough to show off these quads. Check out my freshly waxed bikini line. Damn girl, I know you’ve heard older men have more experience, why don’t you come jock my nuts.

What it actually means: I can’t get it up without Viagra anymore. My second marriage fell through so I bought a sports car (that I can’t afford) and picked up this speedo, in hopes of slamming my wrinkled c*ck into some 18 y/o trim.

Large Lady In A Bikini


What she wants you to see: I’m confident with my body.  A lot of men find a full figured woman beautiful.  There is nothing ugly about the human body.

What she actually means: I’m a fat lazy pig and I know this.  But damn fellas, I’m ovulating like a mofo, and I need someone to roll me in flour at least once this summer.

Hot Girl In A One Piece


What she wants you to see: I’m a sophisticated, intelligent young lady, and I don’t need to show off every piece of skin on my body.  I’m not a whore and I deserve respect.

What she actually means: My ex boyfriend called me an ugly fat bitch all of the time and completely f*cked up my self esteem.  I rarely show any skin because I think I look hideous.  I used to listen to that song “Unpretty” by TLC like 10 times a day.

Emo Kid In A Hoodie


What he wants you to see: I’m so hardcore it’s ridiculous.  I’m like artistic bro.  I wear all these clothes when it’s hot as hell because I want you to see my misery.  In fact, I’ll write a song about how the people at the beach are all going to die because they are sheep.

What he actually means: I’m an upper middle class white boy without a f*cking clue.  I wear all of this baggy shit even though it’s blazing balls outside because I look like a pale toothpick.  I really need to hit the gym, but more people will just make fun of me, and then I’d have to drop the whole “I’m a dark musician” act.

Hot Chick Barley Wearing Anything


What she wants you to see: I’m hot and I know it.  Don’t drive a beamer?  Then don’t look at me scrub.  I’m above you.

What she actually means: I’m a whore.  Daddy issues etc etc.