Age (at the time): 17
It was the first party of my senior year and I got hammered. I could not make up such a ridiculous story if I tried. So I’m at this girl’s house party. Her name is Julie. I get ridiculously shitfaced until about 11pm when I decide it is probably time to head home before I puke or pass out.
So I call my mother to come pick me up at a gas station that I thought was about a mile away from the party. It was actually more like 6 miles away but it’s not even relevant because I never made it. I was so blackout drunk that I ended up heading in the wrong direction and soon found myself in the woods.
As I am trekking through this mess of a forest, I trip over something and bash my head against a tree stump.
This knocks me out cold and I remain passed out in the woods until about 3am.
During this time, my mom is looking for me but obviously, I am nowhere to be found. I wake up a some point, sporting a mad headache and I’m still pretty drunk. I decide the best course of action is to go back to the party. Everyone has gone home by this point but once again, this fact isn’t relevant as I never make it back to Julie’s. I find a house that I thought was hers and enter the back door (why does no one lock their fucking doors?) and all the lights are out. I am walking around the kitchen and somehow manage to knock down the pots and pans rack, creating a huge ruckus.
This old lady enters the kitchen and starts freaking out, threatening to call the cops and whatnot(she actually does) so I say “Fuck you, I’m leaving” and I bolt out the door and hop some fences. Ahhh, finally, Julie’s house! Same pool and everything. I enter the back door and once again, all the lights are off. I go to the bathroom to wash my hands and face as the forest had not been kind to me. I go to dry my hands and somehow rip off the towel rack. At this exact moment, a very angry looking man opens the bathroom door and proceeds to yell at me.
It turns out that this man is a cop as well. His wife happens to be my French teacher and I attend the same school as his children. Just fucking great, right? Right. He calls the cops and tells them not to bother going to the old lady’s house as he would deal with this personally. He zip ties me and sits me down in his garage. At this point, I am thinking I am fucked in too many ways to count but it is not so.
He calls my mom, who happens to be a friend of the family, and she comes and picks me up. She was pissed but oh well, it really is a funny story so she couldn’t remain angry forever. The rest of my senior year French class was kind of awkward but one day, the teacher brought in the towel rack for me to keep as a souvenir. I keep it in my closet to this day.
Dear John, is it just me or did you basically receive zero punishment for this? One would think that breaking into a cops house, busting up an old ladies kitchen, and underage drinking would at least land you a timeout from your Xbox. Also, was the teacher hot?