Regretful Morning

8 Sexual Acts All Men Should Conquer

Posted April 13th, 2010 at 12:09 pm by

For men, certain sexual encounters are looked at a lot like Xbox achievements.  The more achievements you get, multiplied with the difficulty of the task, will give you an assessment of how awesome you did.

Let’s take a look at 8 sexy time achievements that some of you will undoubtedly unlock at least once.

A Fat Girl

There are those of us who have slept with fatties, and those of us who claim we haven’t.  If you fall into the latter, there is still no denying that she rocked your world beyond belief.  Experts have suggested that a large woman gives better oral because she is always hungry, this is false.  Some say it’s due to higher amounts of estrogen that the extra blubber produces.  This is also false.  The simple fact is this: If a large girl brings home a guy out of her league, she’s going to want to keep him.  Her mentality is that if she completely blows her mates mind, there is a good chance he will stick around.  Unfortunately it only lands her a spot on his speed dial labeled “Fat girl gr8 head.”

Try Anal

Exit only or hole of euphoria?  While a pro-anal couple will woo you with words and adjectives like “extremely tight” and “incredibly intense” we need to remember what is happening.  You are placing your penis in an area that is populated with shit.  You will probably get some of said population on your ball sack too.  That being said, the whole “tightness” thing is accurate, so go ahead and take a trip down the dirt road.  If the occasional tootsie roll on the tip of your shaft doesn’t bother you, then hey, ask for seconds.

Penis On A Hot Tub Jet

Placing your penile unit on a hot tub jet is like a blowjob on steroids.  I was too young to understand what a blowjob was when I first tried this, but if I had been given a choice at the time, I might have went with the hot tub over the real thing (yes it was that insane).   Optional Audible: Actually have sex in the hot tub.

Ladies, I think you can do this one as well.  Just hold on to the side and do a spread eagle on one of the jets.  Feel free to email or post results.

Let Her Slip a Finger in Your Pooper During Oral

We’ll leave you with a few protips before you start off on this journey:

  1. Make sure you’ve taken a shower
  2. Prepare to have your mind and load blown all over your own face.
  3. You should also do some self “experimentation” before you make this plunge.

Not every man enjoys the “male shocker” just like some ladies don’t enjoy the regular version.  Go in with an open mind and a relaxed rectum.

2 on the sack 1 in crack

Parent’s Bedroom

“Grounding me for a month mom?  That’s cool, I just jizzed all over your Tempurpedic while my GF licked the back of my balls.”  We’re not sure of the exact reasons behind the romp in the parents room, but we’d like to think it would be pretty fucked up to do it out of spite.  We think what it boils down to is bed size.  The average junior in HS sleeps on a futon, and his parents have California King.  No reason to let all that mattress go to waste (if you can get past the mental visuals).

Jerk Off In the Wilderness

A wise man once said “If you haven’t jerked off in the woods, you really haven’t lived.”  This is the same manly feeling you get when you chop your first piece of firewood, only you’ve got a boner and you’re aiming that yogurt slinger at a dead tree stump.

One Night Stand

Do you ever wonder why the average sorority girl does a walk of shame feeling terrible, while her partner maintains an ear to ear grin the next day?  It has to do with commitment.  Knowing that you just tapped some trim with absolutely zero strings at all, can be one of the most gratifying experiences ever.


Conquering the MILF is a monstrous win on multiple levels.  It’s sort of like on the Discovery channel when a more dominant lion rolls in, fucks up the other male lion, boinks the hoe, then kills the cubs.  Well minus the fighting and killing part.  So not like the Discovery channel at all except for the part where you get some tail and have no obligations to raise her kids.

Conclusion: Do all of these, don’t rape anybody please.

Around The Web

  • P1 Junior
    April 13, 2010


    7/8…I’ll let you figure out which one I haven’t done

    • Jason
      April 13, 2010


      Penis on a hot tub jet?

  • Yo momma, bitch
    April 13, 2010


    Parents Bedroom and fat chick. Never have and never will.

    • Destructor
      January 1, 2011


      Dude fat chicks give it everything they’ve got because they have no idea when they’ll ever get another root.

      Granted they don’t have the feel of the 12 year old boys you like to sleep with but you’d be quite surprised.

      ps. Fat and morbidly obese are two different things….I would never encourage sleeping with a chick that can’t wipe her own ass or can’t get through sex without having to stop for a fried chicken break.

  • slurpee
    April 13, 2010


    great article. i’ll say i’m 7.5/8.

    1, for years. all hotter than whatever is depicted there.

    2. she asked for it. the other one just offered.

    3, in the leadup to the audible, no less.

    4, she tried. that’s the .5.

    5, she just wanted to cheat on her boyfriend and my bedroom was too far.

    6, and no shame! i won’t hippie it up, either. i was horny.

    7, of course, and they didn’t all have to be. sometimes you’re just not that into it.

    8, yes, and she was my first, and she was 10 years older. (no, not the lovely gal in the picture. on par, and younger.)

    i was going to say that “score a threesome with two chicks” should be on the list, but all of these are within the reach of your averagely active guy. a FFM… you’ve got to be really good, or really, really lucky. (i’d rank 7.5/9, then, if you’re wondering.)

    • manana
      April 14, 2010


      lol@ #3

  • blarg
    April 14, 2010


    I want to fuck a fat girl because I hear it’s better they just look so nasty.

    • sad to say 8 for 8
      April 14, 2010


      I wouldn’t say that they are better, but they do try harder! LOL!!!

  • boinger
    April 14, 2010


    fatties are amazing but their pussy smells like shit from all that fuckin fat and sweat

  • wigs
    April 14, 2010


    fuck funny

  • Spewf
    April 14, 2010


    I don’t see how the male shocker would make you have a bigger load. I have never done it nor want to but that doesnt make sense to me.

    Good article though!

    • jig
      April 15, 2010


      It massages your prostate from the inside. It’s legit….trust me.

  • wangotango
    April 14, 2010


    8/8 the “fatty” was 155 or so and very well curved but still a fatty to me considering she weighed more than most of my other girls by 50lbs. Man what a freak she was though.

  • Lamb Ladn
    April 14, 2010


    How do they put this list and not have 3 some as one

    • Jason
      April 14, 2010


      Because it has to be realistic imo. Now pics of your 3 some or gtfo.

  • jim
    April 15, 2010


    Why isn’t a threesome on this list???

  • terrible tim
    April 15, 2010


    6 of 8 and counting…

  • Duckman
    April 15, 2010


    You gotta be kidding….8/8 You should have conquered all of the above by the time you were 25…You need much bigger goals….Whats missing form your list
    (1) Having Sex while driving….and I dont mean oral
    (2) Three different women in one weekend….without getting caught
    (3) Two women at the same time…OK this is still on the list…..
    (4) The Mother Daughter Combo….I have two friends who have pulled this off…OK this still on my list

  • Capt. P.
    April 16, 2010


    7/8..or 8/9 if you count the 3-some in :)
    but i never felt the urge to masturbate in a forest..

  • elteepee
    April 22, 2010


    everything but parents room and the jet, don’t think I’ll ever try either.

    • elteepee
      April 22, 2010


      and a threesome, and got a double blowjob

  • Wannabe
    December 10, 2010


    Mate those messages above about not having it with a fat chick …if you r hetero you are a liar…but worse than to your yourself…always the best lays are the chubby one s mate…and you know it gay basher…and the question was all 8..don t elaborate about a threesome..probably a gay actual fact you all gay>>is this actually a gay site cause your answers are pathetic

  • me
    December 21, 2010


    Fat chicks give the best blow jobs. Thats how they get you to fuck them. And i concur. Its an easy list. You should have at least 7/8 of these done by your 25 or you have no game.

  • anon123
    January 6, 2011


    the MILF looks familiar.. anyone know who she is.. freaking hot!

  • EDIS
    January 10, 2011


    Add a threesome and making her squirt then I’m 9 out of ten. No jerking it in the woods for me

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