Name: Myers
Age (at the time): 20

I have left the country only one time thus far in my young life. It was for annual training for the ARMY Reserves. It was a three week military police training mission in Italy. When we actually got to Italy, it turns out there was very little for us to do. At least for myself. So out of the three weeks I spent there I worked about 7 to 10 days I would say. Other than that, essentially it was a paid vacation to Italy.

Now, I am one of the younger guys in my unit at 20 years old and as you know am therefore not legally allowed to consume alcohol in the United States. Also, being a mixed martial arts fighter I am not afforded much time for partying and drinking as it would undermine my training. Well, In Italy the drinking age is 18. So it was like a three weeks pass for me to get a head start on being 21 and since I could not train I decided to take full advantage of this pass for the three weeks we spent in Italy. Lots of good times were had in Italy and I am going to go into detail about one such time.

I spent a good portion of my time in Italy hanging out with my boy Lee. He is the same age as me and we both like to get after girls and pound some alcohol, so it was a good partnership. So we visited Venice one day early in the trip and left at around 8 PM. As we were leaving we noticed the night life was just spicing up when we left. We decided it was necessary to return and experience said night life. The only problem being we were not authorized to spend the night off post. We would need to spend the night because our plan was quite simply, to pickup and hopefully have sex with a few European girls, that way we could forever utter the phrase “my pimp game is international”.

So we ran the idea of going on a night that we were off work the following day and spending the night in Venice by one of our non commissioned officers who ran it by another high ranking NCO in our unit and got the okay. I won’t mention names but those two NCO’s are the shit. So we picked a day and the plan was in full motion.

The day came and waited until around 8 to head to the train station. When we got there the ticket booths were closed, but luckily there were automated machines and we got our tickets and headed to Venice.
We arrived in Venice and immediately grabbed some beers. I drank Heineken and Lee drank Budweiser. We had to walk all the way across Venice and get a cheap hotel room before we could start out on our quest for European vag.

Venice is a decent sized city and it took us a while to walk past all the incredible hotels and get to an affordable one. The whole way we are pounding beers. It also may help to let you know that both me and Lee are lightweights. Anyway, we arrive at the hotel and get a room for 90 euro, which was at the time about 145 American roughly. We go to the room to drop off our shit and find that it is the smallest hotel room in the history of hotel rooms. We determine we can probably high five each other while banging our European sluts. We then give the key back to the hotel dude because its not a room key like in the States, it is an actual key and they hold onto it. We set off.

As soon as we get a block or so away from the hotel we realize we have no idea what the name of the hotel is, but Lee assures me he can get us back without problem. He has shown a keen sense of direction up to this point in the trip, so I accept this without hesitation. There is a bar right by the hotel, we grab more beers and set out toward the heart of Venice.

On the way Lee gets hungry, so we stop at one of the pizzerias along the way. He orders a pizza and we both get more beer. Three hot girls sit down at the same pizzeria. This is good. I have to pee, but don’t want to pay to pee. Most of the bathrooms there will cost you 1 euro so I walk down an alley and piss on a building. Which is a genius thing to do considering the ridiculous amount of trouble I would have gotten in if caught doing this.

Anyway after urinating on a building in Venice I notice Lee talking to a dude selling flowers. We get three flowers, one for each girl and the man delivers them. I pay. Lee was bumming it hardcore during this trip. Smooth move on his part though, props.

The girls light up when receiving the flowers. Cheesing like crazy. They invite us over to their table. We oblige. The oldest one speaks pretty good english, the other two very little but the conversation is still good. The oldest is 23, the other two, 15 and 16. We have a problem, or do we? I don’t know the laws in Italy but both Lee and I are having slight moral problems with the idea of taking advantage of girls this young. Either way, conversation continues. Easy talk, we talk about America and they talk about Italy. More beers. We are quite a hit with these girls and things are going well.

The oldest sister gets a quick phone call and says this exact quote “My sister arrival now” Not the greatest english and we were not sure what she meant. About five minutes later we found out. Her sister, quite literally was arriving at the pizzeria. Now, There are an insane amount of beautiful girls in Venice. This girl was in the top 10% easily. Gorgeous. Of age. Perfect.

More conversation and of course, more beer. And shots. Me and Lee at this point are quite drunk but still very functional. Then without any prompting from us the girls invite themselves to our hotel room. We are in. Could it really be this easy?

So we start heading toward the hotel room and the two younger girls bail, they have school in the morning. Two of them, two of us. Things are looking up. They ask us what hotel we are staying in, because they live in Venice and know the area well. We of course have no clue. Lee is our guide. We walk and along the way continue to add beers to our system, stopping at a few bars. Me and Lee have a side betabout who is banging the hot one. I don’t care. I am good either way. An hour passes, then two. No sign of the hotel. All we can tell them is the hotel has a yellow sign that says hotel. This does not help them. They continue to walk with us, at this point I am getting nervous. We are both trashed. Every time we think we know where we are we hit a dead end. After somewhere between two and a half and three hours of walking the girls split.

Shocking. At this point disappointment sets in. We have blown the whole night talking to these girls, they are gone and we have no idea where we are. The bars there close early and we are pretty much screwed. Oh yeah, and all of our stuff including military IDs etc.. are in a hotel room and we don’t even know the name of the hotel. We continue to drink. Finally we find the hotel. We hit the bar next to the hotel.

Then we find out the name of the hotel and set back out, dead tired from hours of walking, extremely intoxicated, but determined to get some. On the way to a bar, or anywhere with girls, Lee informs me he is going to throw his empty beer bottle. He does, straight up in the air and it crashed behinds us. Once again, we are geniuses, thank goodness we were not arrested. Lee swears he does not remember throwing the bottle. Everything is closed, we are screwed.

On the way back to the hotel some girls yell to us from a window. I am so drunk I do not notice. Lee does. The girls ask “how big is your penis” Lee pantomimes an enormous penis. They are not impressed and say thats not big enough. We talk to the girls from their upstairs window for a while. I ask if we can come up, they say yes. And tell us their room number.

Aces. We head to the front of the building and see Jesus. It is a catholic school. They are catholic school girls, probably underage. We have a quick debate and decide who cares. The door is locked. We continue to talk to them and try to get them to come down and open the door. Other lights in the building are coming on at this point and they tell us to leave because their teachers are waking up. We stay.

We try to figure a way to climb up, there is none. The girls offer to show us their boobs. They do, and then turn off the lights. Cool, but not enough. We head back to the hotel and are greeted by a not so happy hotel dude, who had to stay up until we got back which was very late. But he is the one who took the key, so fuck him.

We crash out immediately and wake up the next morning to an awful realization. We came to Venice to get girls, not sure of whether or not we could. We picked up girls, they invited themselves back to our hotel room, and we were too lame to find it. Who the fuck pulls the girls and can’t find the hotel room? At least our game doesn’t let us down but to this day not being able to find that hotel is one of biggest regrets. At the very least we got a good story out of it. For the record, I suggested finding out the name of the hotel and Lee said he could get us there, and because of that I place the blame on him. Haha but seriously I hope you liked the story.

Dear Private Myers, what the fuck is wrong with you soldier? You basically got handed some Italian muff on a platter and you let a little thing like “not being able to find our hotel room” stop you? Venice has shit loads of alleys. Stop in one, put your penis in one of the girls, and find your hotel later. Also, lol @ trying to climb into a Catholic school to bang 15 year olds.