Regretful Morning

5 Words We Don’t Want to Hear in Bed (Female POV)

Posted March 4th, 2010 at 10:24 pm by

Pillow talk (noun): confidences exchanged in bed or in intimate circumstances between spouses or lovers.
I submit we add “one night stands” to the end of that definition, but either way, you get the jist.

Pillow talk is the bedroom banter that you would probably not ever want your mother to hear, but can be one of your greatest tools between the sheets. However, there are those of you whose pillow talk skills are about as sensual as Hitler describing a pap smear, so for you, here are my top 5 words no woman wants to hear in bed.

Penis or Vagina

As far as I can tell, we’re not in Anatomy 101, so there should be no usage of terms from that textbook. There is a reason so many nicknames have been created for these two specific body parts, and it’s because their given names sound like contagious diseases. I also would prefer not to hear “cervix,” “labia,” or “perineum.” Side note: use of the C-word shall be limited to 2 uses. By the third utterance it just sounds like you’re yelling at me.

Cute

Hot, sexy, gorgeous… these words are permissible while getting it on. The word cute, either in reference to a body part or action, is not allowed. You might think the face she made was cute, but for for god’s sake don’t say so. And ladies, calling his junk “cute” will get you in a cab home quicker than you can say “that’s not what I meant.”

Dude

I am as guilty as anyone of chronically abusing the word dude. It’s a meaningless plug in our California vernacular, and I accept that. However, saying the word “dude” during sex is strictly forbidden. “Dude, you look so hot right now,” is not nearly as sexy as you might think.

I’m sorry

Perhaps you feel you didn’t last long enough, or maybe you just felt like you weren’t at your peak performance. Either way, apologizing after sex creates quite possibly the most awkward situation we humans ever have to encounter. Assuming you didn’t like, headbutt me or gouge my eye out or give me the clap, there is no reason for a sorry.

Weird

Whether you are talking about someone’s sexual request, a birthmark, or a sound, there is absolutely, under no circumstances, any excuse to say something is “weird” while both parties are naked. Not only will you ruin any chance of sleeping with this “weirdo” again, but you’ll suppress her usually coveted openness to sexual experimentation. And that, my friend, is sacrilege.

If you’d like follow Nicole, you can add her on Facebook or check out the booty call blog she writes for.

Around The Web

18 Comments
  • negro_please00
    March 5, 2010
    Reply


    #1

    i love the smell of PHURST in the afternoon.

    • lawl
      March 5, 2010
      Reply


      #2

      by phurst u mean jizz right

      • negro_please00
        March 5, 2010
        Reply


        #3

        ur moms jizz.

        • lawl
          March 5, 2010
          Reply


          #4

          girls can’t jizz they squuirt

  • iSpy
    March 5, 2010
    Reply


    #5

    i spy a camel toe fap fap fap

  • Gerri
    March 5, 2010
    Reply


    #6

    I agree with most of this article, but seriously, sometimes an apology is in order… at least in my experience. :/

    • Jason
      March 5, 2010
      Reply


      #7

      I say “sorry I have a small penis, but I will do my best” right at the start. They are much more understanding imo.

      • Gerri
        March 6, 2010
        Reply


        #8

        Your apology meant little.

        :P

  • sleeping bags
    March 6, 2010
    Reply


    #9

    small or big is not the most important, right? the most important is good sentiment, and good skill

    • Gerri
      March 6, 2010
      Reply


      #10

      Actually, it depends on how small or big we’re talking. There are limits either way.

  • PuppyJuice
    March 7, 2010
    Reply


    #11

    I love talking filthy when having sex, and girls don’t be afraid to let your inner animal out.

  • TheHorribleTruth
    March 10, 2010
    Reply


    #12

    Cheeseburger ftw. This is what women are really like. Golem from the ring.

  • TheHorribleTruth
    March 10, 2010
    Reply


    #13

    Golem of the 9 fingers and the ring of gold…sorry got confused with golem and samara.

  • wigs
    April 13, 2010
    Reply


    #14

    i am sorry….i hate this

  • Kit
    February 13, 2011
    Reply


    #15

    Oh, please – why not title this for what it is :Stuff you should never say to Nicole if you want to get laid again.
    The rest of us ?
    We’re not Nicole.

We Recommend
From Our Partners
Get The Book!
rmbook250x100-1

Troll with us on Facebook:    On Twitter: