Pillow talk (noun): confidences exchanged in bed or in intimate circumstances between spouses or lovers.
I submit we add “one night stands” to the end of that definition, but either way, you get the jist.

Pillow talk is the bedroom banter that you would probably not ever want your mother to hear, but can be one of your greatest tools between the sheets. However, there are those of you whose pillow talk skills are about as sensual as Hitler describing a pap smear, so for you, here are my top 5 words no woman wants to hear in bed.

Penis or Vagina

As far as I can tell, we’re not in Anatomy 101, so there should be no usage of terms from that textbook. There is a reason so many nicknames have been created for these two specific body parts, and it’s because their given names sound like contagious diseases. I also would prefer not to hear “cervix,” “labia,” or “perineum.” Side note: use of the C-word shall be limited to 2 uses. By the third utterance it just sounds like you’re yelling at me.

Cute

Hot, sexy, gorgeous… these words are permissible while getting it on. The word cute, either in reference to a body part or action, is not allowed. You might think the face she made was cute, but for for god’s sake don’t say so. And ladies, calling his junk “cute” will get you in a cab home quicker than you can say “that’s not what I meant.”

Dude

I am as guilty as anyone of chronically abusing the word dude. It’s a meaningless plug in our California vernacular, and I accept that. However, saying the word “dude” during sex is strictly forbidden. “Dude, you look so hot right now,” is not nearly as sexy as you might think.

I’m sorry

Perhaps you feel you didn’t last long enough, or maybe you just felt like you weren’t at your peak performance. Either way, apologizing after sex creates quite possibly the most awkward situation we humans ever have to encounter. Assuming you didn’t like, headbutt me or gouge my eye out or give me the clap, there is no reason for a sorry.

Weird

Whether you are talking about someone’s sexual request, a birthmark, or a sound, there is absolutely, under no circumstances, any excuse to say something is “weird” while both parties are naked. Not only will you ruin any chance of sleeping with this “weirdo” again, but you’ll suppress her usually coveted openness to sexual experimentation. And that, my friend, is sacrilege.

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