The door opens, and you freeze. It’s your girlfriend. She wasn’t supposed to be home this early. You try and hide the evidence, but it’s too late. She takes in the scattered packaging and the sexy naked shape of your new gaming system with a look that either says, “I am really angry right now” or “I just had a bad burrito.” You’re not sure, because women are impossible to read, but you hope it’s the latter.
You aren’t really worried either way, though. Sure, you’ll be addicted to your gaming system for a few days/weeks/months, but once you get the gaming jones out of your system, your new companion will fade peacefully into the background. Perhaps there will even be a little co-op and cuddling. Girls love cuddling, right?
Don’t count on it. Your gaming system is everything your girlfriend will never be, and she knows it. She hates your gaming system, and she will never, ever let you forget it.
Your gaming system never changes, unless you want it to
At the start of every relationship, the participants inevitably present their best selves. As time passes, though, you start to notice unpleasant things about your significant other, such as her tendency to pick noses (that aren’t her own).
Your gaming system will never have a break out or a bad hair day, and it will never gain a single pound. If it starts to show wear and tear, it’s easy to get a replacement exactly like the last one. Until they get moving with that spiffy “cloning” technology, girlfriends will never have exact replacements.
Your gaming system has no emotional needs
Once you’ve plugged your gaming system in, you’ll never have to give it anything again. No jewelry, no fancy dinners, no “manager’s special” grocery store flowers.
Your gaming system will never ask you to go to the gym with it, visit its parents, or volunteer for something girly like world peace or deworming puppies. Your girlfriend, on the other hand, will either whine incessantly or give you the silent treatment until you comply with her demands.
Your gaming system doesn’t get jealous
Go ahead and put a PS3 and a Wii next to your Xbox 360. Threesome, foursome, whatever; they won’t mind.
Just think how your girlfriend would react if you told her you had a “newer model” you wanted to try out, but that she’d always be your favorite…
You are in complete control of your gaming system
Two words: Off Button. It’s your choice whether to turn it on, turn it off, put it to sleep, or wake it up. Your gaming system has no voice, just a slot ready and waiting for you to plug and play. No matter what you want to put in it, or when, it will never complain. And of course, absolutely no foreplay is required.
Until those new Japanese robots wind up in the US, there is absolutely nothing that compares to this in real life.
Your gaming system is always exciting
Studies have shown that people aren’t very good at telling the difference between adrenaline rushes and sexual arousal. That means sex has a hard time comparing to the sheer, pulsating goodness that envelops you during a particularly intense combat situation. Your gaming system pumps more adrenaline through you than finding out your hot, exhibitionist neighbor is a lesbian.
Of course, your gaming system has the sexual arousal stuff down as well. It allows you to ogle versions of certain parts of the human anatomy that are not physically possible in real life. Women know that no matter how much surgery they have and no matter how many pills they take, they will never, ever reach the perfection of a ten inch waist and a size G chest. You love it. You know you do. Your girlfriend does not believe you when you say that “the breasts have absolutely nothing to do with your enjoyment of the game.”
Unless she gets haptics installed, your girlfriend simply can’t compete.