The English language is a wonderful language. Not only does it contain a vast, almost too-large, quantity of words and phrases, it’s the fastest changing language on the planet. English has changed more in the last century than any language has changed over any period of time, ever. For that we can thank technology, what with the lols, roflwaffles, and, one of Merriam Webster’s latest additions, Woot. Other mutations and evolutions, however, make us want to cry.

In the secret world of sexual deviance, one can not simply say what they wish when describing something they’ve done/want to do. They can’t because anybody within ear-shot would likely scream, and claw their eyes out from imagery they didn’t want. Instead, they came up with sometimes-clever euphemisms to communicate their intentions. Here are a few choice words and phrases that seem innocuous enough, until I shatter your blissful ignorance.

Turkey slap
Fowl play? An attempt to keep Uncle Filbert from stealing your drumstick?

Actually…
To slap someone in the face with your man-business The good news is, it’s not a phrase you’d likely say in conversation, so you’re relatively safe. However, if you hear it used in conversation, you’ll now know exactly what they’re referring to. Chuckle away.

Hogging
Keeping all the Cheetos? An unwillingness to share?

Actually…
It’s another word for ‘Chubby chasing’. This actually is a word you’d use in general conversation, so be careful. Fortunately, you’d never describe yourself as a ‘hog,’ or say “I’m hogging the-” something. However, when you hear a small child complain that another is ‘hogging all the blocks,’ you can laugh inside, you horrific, twisted person, you.

Trolling
Going fishing with your father, close guy friend, or son?

Actually…
NEVER say you are going trolling with (male’s name here). Why? Because it is the new-fangled term for homosexual males who cruise about looking for sex on the down-low. It is also the term for an ‘Internet Troll,’ or a person who browses forums just to flame people and argue. You can use this term to point out the irony to internet trolls, and what else they likely do in their spare time.

Felching
An onomatopoeia for a burp?

Actually…
No. You’ll have to Click here for the meaning. I refuse to type it. So I will sit here humming The Best Days of Your Life by Kellie Pickler.

Rusty Trombone
Old, unused band equipment in the attic?

Actually…
Imagine a trombone. The handle you maneuver, the little hole you blow into. Now imagine a part of the human body similar to that ‘shape.’ A similar idea was used in American Pie presents Band Camp. Only musical sodomy is not technically involved.

Santorum
Some astrological alignment indicating your chances for getting lucky?

Actually…
This is another one I refuse to type. Though I will say, it was named after US Senator Rick Santorum. “‘Cus I’ll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met ’til you were making me cry
And it’s just too bad, you’ve already had the best days
The best days of your life” Thanks, Kellie.

Donkey Punch
A farm-based ninja move?

Actually…
A pre-coitus punch to the back of the head of the person you are having anal intercourse with. Two words come to mind; ‘EWWWWW’ and ‘OWWWWW.’

Tossed Salad
Something you’d get as a restaurant appetizer?

Actually…
Make sure you’re not in a bad part of town when ordering this, or you’re likely to recieve annilingus. On a side note, I have no idea what the fuck this has to do with lettuce, carrots, and cucumbers.

Bug Chasing
You’d guess the actions of a hippie trying to create an all-natural nightlight with lightning bugs?

Actually…
It refers to homosexual men who actively seek partners with HIV/AIDS in order to GET HIV/AIDS. I can’t imagine why anyone would intentionally do this. Seriously, public service message here: Use condoms, every time.

Twink
An over-powered Level 19 night-elf rogue?

Actually…
Well, yeah, but also a homosexual male who is/looks like a skinny, small young boy. Yeah, I don’t know where this came from either. It’s just, kinda, you know, left field.

In conclusion, don’t ever, EVER use a word unless you know exactly what it means. Other than looking like a faux-pretentious prick, you could be inviting forced sodomy. I in no way condone any of the afore mentioned activities, and find it appalling that they actually exist. That’s why I felt like sharing.

I’m John Scrovak and I write funny.
Here’s my Facebook.