Regretful Morning

10 Sexual Euphemisms You’ve Used By Accident

Posted February 8th, 2010 at 11:00 am by

The English language is a wonderful language. Not only does it contain a vast, almost too-large, quantity of words and phrases, it’s the fastest changing language on the planet. English has changed more in the last century than any language has changed over any period of time, ever. For that we can thank technology, what with the lols, roflwaffles, and, one of Merriam Webster’s latest additions, Woot. Other mutations and evolutions, however, make us want to cry.

In the secret world of sexual deviance, one can not simply say what they wish when describing something they’ve done/want to do. They can’t because anybody within ear-shot would likely scream, and claw their eyes out from imagery they didn’t want. Instead, they came up with sometimes-clever euphemisms to communicate their intentions. Here are a few choice words and phrases that seem innocuous enough, until I shatter your blissful ignorance.

Turkey slap
Fowl play? An attempt to keep Uncle Filbert from stealing your drumstick?

turkey-pardon

Actually…
To slap someone in the face with your man-business The good news is, it’s not a phrase you’d likely say in conversation, so you’re relatively safe. However, if you hear it used in conversation, you’ll now know exactly what they’re referring to. Chuckle away.

Hogging
Keeping all the Cheetos? An unwillingness to share?

f-pigging-out-2531

Actually…
It’s another word for ‘Chubby chasing’. This actually is a word you’d use in general conversation, so be careful. Fortunately, you’d never describe yourself as a ‘hog,’ or say “I’m hogging the-” something. However, when you hear a small child complain that another is ‘hogging all the blocks,’ you can laugh inside, you horrific, twisted person, you.

Trolling
Going fishing with your father, close guy friend, or son?

PG004895

Actually…
NEVER say you are going trolling with (male’s name here). Why? Because it is the new-fangled term for homosexual males who cruise about looking for sex on the down-low. It is also the term for an ‘Internet Troll,’ or a person who browses forums just to flame people and argue. You can use this term to point out the irony to internet trolls, and what else they likely do in their spare time.

Felching
An onomatopoeia for a burp?

pdstsmp0006

Actually…
No. You’ll have to Click here for the meaning. I refuse to type it. So I will sit here humming The Best Days of Your Life by Kellie Pickler.

Rusty Trombone
Old, unused band equipment in the attic?

42273441493925

Actually…
Imagine a trombone. The handle you maneuver, the little hole you blow into. Now imagine a part of the human body similar to that ‘shape.’ A similar idea was used in American Pie presents Band Camp. Only musical sodomy is not technically involved.

Santorum
Some astrological alignment indicating your chances for getting lucky?

astrology_discovery

Actually…
This is another one I refuse to type. Though I will say, it was named after US Senator Rick Santorum. “‘Cus I’ll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met ’til you were making me cry
And it’s just too bad, you’ve already had the best days
The best days of your life”
Thanks, Kellie.

Donkey Punch
A farm-based ninja move?

donkey_punch

Actually…
A pre-coitus punch to the back of the head of the person you are having anal intercourse with. Two words come to mind; ‘EWWWWW’ and ‘OWWWWW.’

Tossed Salad
Something you’d get as a restaurant appetizer?

tossed_salad

Actually…
Make sure you’re not in a bad part of town when ordering this, or you’re likely to recieve annilingus. On a side note, I have no idea what the fuck this has to do with lettuce, carrots, and cucumbers.

Bug Chasing
You’d guess the actions of a hippie trying to create an all-natural nightlight with lightning bugs?

lightningbugs

Actually…
It refers to homosexual men who actively seek partners with HIV/AIDS in order to GET HIV/AIDS. I can’t imagine why anyone would intentionally do this. Seriously, public service message here: Use condoms, every time.

Twink
An over-powered Level 19 night-elf rogue?

edencelestesaban

Actually…
Well, yeah, but also a homosexual male who is/looks like a skinny, small young boy. Yeah, I don’t know where this came from either. It’s just, kinda, you know, left field.

In conclusion, don’t ever, EVER use a word unless you know exactly what it means. Other than looking like a faux-pretentious prick, you could be inviting forced sodomy. I in no way condone any of the afore mentioned activities, and find it appalling that they actually exist. That’s why I felt like sharing.

I’m John Scrovak and I write funny.
Here’s my Facebook.

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25 Comments
  • ericr64
    February 15, 2009
    Reply


    #1

    Felching??? You crazy kids and your new fangled sex. Grandma could never have imagined such a thing.

  • Anthony pittarelli
    February 16, 2009
    Reply


    #2

    ummmmm. i could really go for a twinkie.

    Anthony pittarelli

  • Brendan
    February 16, 2009
    Reply


    #3

    Wow, I actually knew some of these already, I think that is a massive inditement on the way my brain works.

  • DeathWish808
    February 16, 2009
    Reply


    #4

    Asking waitresses at Olive Garden to toss my salad is a fun pastime. If they’re naughty little vixens then they’ll turn red as they’re mixing my lettuce around.

  • Jason
    February 16, 2009
    Reply


    #5

    If you’re reading these comments and you’ve had your salad tossed, I demand to know how awesome it feels.

    I can’t seem to find a cool enough chick to give the old pooper a few flicks. I mean, its not like I’m saying “tongue fuck my asshole like you’re drilling for oil”, I just want a little sample.

    Ladies, too much to ask?

    • DeathWish808
      February 16, 2009
      Reply


      #6

      I had a chick try that, but I stopped her. It just felt gay for some reason. lol.

  • Charliedoodle
    February 17, 2009
    Reply


    #7

    Well Jason,

    I can vouch for the fact that it feels great! (and not a big deal to give.)
    Hubby and I are adventuresome. (blush)

    • Jason
      February 17, 2009
      Reply


      #8

      I’m ridiculously jealous of your husband.

  • Billius
    February 17, 2009
    Reply


    #9

    I’m sorry, but this is a dumb article that could have been good. Too embarrassed to describe some of these? Please, we’re not in pre-school, grow up a little. It’s just a sex act (most of which are just bull shit made up by overly hormonal junior high aged boys in the locker room).

  • Sam
    February 18, 2009
    Reply


    #10

    You forgot “Squick”
    to pop someone’s eye out and skull fuck them through the eye socket

    i knew a bunch of really disgusting people at uni, most of those terms are commonly used in conversation with such people

  • J. Spencer
    February 18, 2009
    Reply


    #11

    You left out “lollygagging” – a euphimism for a male homosexual giving a blow job.

  • bickilicious
    February 24, 2009
    Reply


    #12

    Hehehe I toss my husbands salad all the time:)

    • Jason
      February 24, 2009
      Reply


      #13

      damn, he knows hes lucky right?

  • Dancing Nymph
    February 26, 2009
    Reply


    #14

    I already love you!!! You write fantastically awesome!

  • LadyM
    February 27, 2009
    Reply


    #15

    I laughed most at “I in no way condone any of the afore mentioned activities, and find it appalling that they actually exist.” What are you, Amish? obviously stuff like felching is pretty off the wall, and donkey punching is just rude; but trolling and hogging are hardly a big deal and getting one’s salad tossed rocks! You do write funny, but I gotta tell you, most of your readership ALREADY KNOW what some or all of these words mean. Dude, it’s the internet.

    Ooh I have one to add! A “White Dragon” is when a guy hits the girl giving him a blowjob on the back of the head just as he shoots his load so she gags and it comes out her nose.

    Gotta love urbandictionary.

  • erucr64
    February 27, 2009
    Reply


    #16

    LadyM, I heard that refered to as “the angry dragon”. Also the mouth is covered and you apply a slug to the gut. Crazy kids.

    • Jason
      February 28, 2009
      Reply


      #17

      A jelly donut is an angry dragon but you hit them in the nose afterward.

  • invader
    February 28, 2009
    Reply


    #18

    salad tossing

    it’s a prison thing. Lower inmates are forced to lick the assholes of the leading inmates, but they put salad dressing on it to hide the taste. Hence, tossing the salad.

    from urban dictionary
    greetz invader :)

  • atx
    March 2, 2009
    Reply


    #19

    Twink comes from twinky, the food. Twink= golden, delicious, lacking any substance or nutritional value, and full of cream

  • mc
    March 6, 2009
    Reply


    #20

    I work in a school and apparently the word “brainer” has now been kidnapped to mean blow jobs. The “brainer club” is not what it used to be …

  • employee clockin clockout
    June 13, 2009
    Reply


    #21

    so where can I meet these christian teens

  • DukeW
    December 31, 2009
    Reply


    #22

    Twinkie? Small, cream-filled buns….

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