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How to safely pick up soap in a prison shower

The other night I was watching American History X and somehow I had forgotten about the shower scene (nsfw).  This made me wonder if they give guides to new inmates.  You know the simple stuff like when lunch is, a map of the prison, and ways to keep your anal virginity when it comes to taking a shower.  We weren’t able to find any, so we decided to make our own.

soap

How does one get their Hershey highway violated in a prison shower?  It usually starts with a drop of the soap right?  Our guide will focus on getting the soap back into your hand without getting your dumper stretched.

Tip 1) The Cover Hole – If you’re picking up a bar of soap with your left hand, kick up your left leg as well.  This creates distance between you and your unwanted sexual partner.  Now place your right hand over your cornhole as you reach down.  The whole process should take under two seconds.

coverass

Tip 2) Kick Trick – This is good for those of you who have played soccer, or just have good coordination.  Using the front of your foot, flick the soap into the air and prepare for a quick grab.  Or if you want to get fancy for the now lathered up inmates, you can try some behind the back action.  For behind the back kick tricks, you’ll need to use the bottom of your foot.

kicksoap

Tip 3) Wall Crawl – If you’ve dropped the soap anywhere near the wall and lack agility to perform the previous tips, then this will be perfect for you.  Place your back against the wall and use your leg strength to lower you.  Once you’ve grabbed the soap you should use this technique in reverse until you are in an upright position.

soapfucked

Conclusion: No one plans on going to prison but shit happens.  And that same shit will be running down your leg everytime you play basketball, if you don’t use our guide.