Regretful Morning

How to safely pick up soap in a prison shower

Posted February 5th, 2010 at 10:00 am by

The other night I was watching American History X and somehow I had forgotten about the shower scene (nsfw).  This made me wonder if they give guides to new inmates.  You know the simple stuff like when lunch is, a map of the prison, and ways to keep your anal virginity when it comes to taking a shower.  We weren’t able to find any, so we decided to make our own.

soap

How does one get their Hershey highway violated in a prison shower?  It usually starts with a drop of the soap right?  Our guide will focus on getting the soap back into your hand without getting your dumper stretched.

Tip 1) The Cover Hole – If you’re picking up a bar of soap with your left hand, kick up your left leg as well.  This creates distance between you and your unwanted sexual partner.  Now place your right hand over your cornhole as you reach down.  The whole process should take under two seconds.

coverass

Tip 2) Kick Trick – This is good for those of you who have played soccer, or just have good coordination.  Using the front of your foot, flick the soap into the air and prepare for a quick grab.  Or if you want to get fancy for the now lathered up inmates, you can try some behind the back action.  For behind the back kick tricks, you’ll need to use the bottom of your foot.

kicksoap

Tip 3) Wall Crawl – If you’ve dropped the soap anywhere near the wall and lack agility to perform the previous tips, then this will be perfect for you.  Place your back against the wall and use your leg strength to lower you.  Once you’ve grabbed the soap you should use this technique in reverse until you are in an upright position.

soapfucked

Conclusion: No one plans on going to prison but shit happens.  And that same shit will be running down your leg everytime you play basketball, if you don’t use our guide.

Around The Web

43 Comments
  • dallas
    June 7, 2009
    Reply


    #1

    theyre just gonna forcibly rape you harder because you’ll just be teasing them.

  • zxcvb
    June 7, 2009
    Reply


    #2

    Just crouching down ought to do it.

  • mathscratch
    June 7, 2009
    Reply


    #3

    crouching down in anyway is only inviting a forcible face rape

  • jesse bean
    June 8, 2009
    Reply


    #4

    how bout bending over

  • HoldingHisOwn
    June 12, 2009
    Reply


    #5

    I just go for the crouch and punch… First, I crouch, followed immediately by wild punches to anyone in the vicinity at genital height ,

    • blah
      February 14, 2010
      Reply


      #6

      It sounds like your speaking from experience?

  • A man
    June 14, 2009
    Reply


    #7

    would anyone actually like it?

  • better idea
    June 22, 2009
    Reply


    #8

    i think the best way to protect your ass in that case is not to pick up the soap just look a bit angry like if you fuck with me you get it back a 3 fold, remain calm and make sure no one is standing behind you either turn around and make sure your ass is covert by the wall. just shower further.
    aftherwards try to get more involved into black magic rituals. when you understand how it works you will find it useful and actualy quite easy to influence your fellow retarted inmates with it and they wont even know what you did to them they will start feeling pains and having bad luck they cannot explain the more anger and binding you involve into the link to them the better it will work.
    And it wont three fold back on you if you do it right.

  • Mike
    February 12, 2010
    Reply


    #9

    Spew as much matter out of every single orifice in your body. A person would think twice about entering through any crapping, vomiting, snotting orifice.
    …..Unless they were into that…

  • desertdad
    February 13, 2010
    Reply


    #10

    How about relaxing and enjoying it?

  • bill
    February 13, 2010
    Reply


    #11

    how about not going to prison in the first place?

  • momma
    February 13, 2010
    Reply


    #12

    there are some sick muthafuckers reading this article. i hope you all see that and realize what ughly gzsdtards your are.

  • Elstor
    February 13, 2010
    Reply


    #13

    OMG .. now I know why I have that pain in my **s. This article has been so helpful. Wow .. crime really can pay. Who knew!?

  • mary
    February 13, 2010
    Reply


    #14

    Now younger people may see this about prisons and give things a second thought, My grandson in his 20′s never heard of this going on in prisons, now he beleives me. Can’t thye stop that in Prison’s ? ” was his words in reply.” Things that go on in prisons need to be public some what, young kids need to know the truth, some thing its just in a cell watching tv, going to dinner, playing games and laying around, and maybe a little out door, fenced in, ball games. Reading books. Many don’t know the mean things going on, or just maybe a fuss. This is okay for the teens to see, it may change some minds.

  • tunes
    February 14, 2010
    Reply


    #15

    Hint…if you end up in prison…don’t bathe…and they might leave your stinky arse alone

    • blah
      February 14, 2010
      Reply


      #16

      nah you have just saved them the need for lubricant

  • bozozozo
    February 14, 2010
    Reply


    #17

    you know, frankly, a shower is a sort of wet and nasty place to do any ah, intimate activity and besides, it really isn’t conducive to taking that nap that is so nice after filling somebody’s lower colon and rectum with ejaculate. so, it won’t be a shower, it will be when your cell mate switches for the afternoon with a 350 lb 6’5″ gorilla who arrives with a bowl of butter patties from the cafeteria. Believe me, you should hope he uses them. And, by the way, there ain’t no strategies here you need to remember, cause none will work. unless you’ve been preparing yourself by shoving a forearm up your posterior. that might help.

  • Snoogins
    February 14, 2010
    Reply


    #18

    It’s really terrible that the prison system suffers systemic issues like this.
    I’m all for punishment to fit crime, so why do prisoners need to be subjected to cruel and unusual punishment as well?
    I believe the lack of oversight is another symptom of the privatized prison system; there simply isn’t enough money to solve these issues when the winning bid is also the lowest bid.

    • Princess T.
      February 14, 2010
      Reply


      #19

      stop being so serious bitch =D =D =D

  • Gootp
    February 14, 2010
    Reply


    #20
  • costumefly
    February 14, 2010
    Reply


    #21

    Never been to a prison, but do they get soaps there??

  • ms
    February 14, 2010
    Reply


    #22

    This article is not funny.

    • grapple
      February 14, 2010
      Reply


      #23

      neither are the nut stains on ur face

    • blah
      February 14, 2010
      Reply


      #24

      Neither is having an ass like a clowns pocket after they bum rape you

  • thanks
    February 14, 2010
    Reply


    #25

    1st

  • Obama
    February 14, 2010
    Reply


    #26

    It’s 2010, and violent rape is still funny?

  • alexrod8305
    February 14, 2010
    Reply


    #27

    you can always fake a fall and snacht the soap bar from the floor

  • joebtflssk
    February 14, 2010
    Reply


    #28

    Most asked for gift wanted by prisoners??—Soap on a rope

  • Princess T.
    February 14, 2010
    Reply


    #29

    I think the easiest way to avoid picking up the soap………………is not going to jail in the 1st place =D
    SOUND SMART TO ANYONE ELSE ???
    <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

  • Princess T.
    February 14, 2010
    Reply


    #30

    I Absolultly luv these monster pics =D =D =D =D =D

  • koda
    February 15, 2010
    Reply


    #31

    or just act really gay and invite them “oop’th i dropped the thooap”

  • Electric-Boogaloo
    February 15, 2010
    Reply


    #32

    The technique I’ve used is such: Go into a break dance back spin, grab the soap, convert back spin into the windmill on the shoulders…then at the apex of my windmill, leap to my feet and yell “Hi-ya!”. Works every time…and gets me street cred wit da homies!

  • crake
    February 15, 2010
    Reply


    #33

    For fuck sake, take a deep breath and take it like a Man!

  • Sam
    February 17, 2010
    Reply


    #34

    Yeah, rape humour. Hilarious.

  • RIP Son
    May 7, 2010
    Reply


    #35

    i think i’d rather stink and not use any soap than loose my ass-virginity (o= ass outside prison/ O= ass once you’ve picked the soap up in jail showers)

  • Nick
    July 15, 2010
    Reply


    #36

    Just lie back and think of England.

We Recommend
From Our Partners
Get The Book!
rmbook250x100-1

Troll with us on Facebook:    On Twitter: