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7 Things That Make a Hot Girl, Not

A few years ago, I had a serious crush on my neighbor.  She was like 5’11 with a decent rack, and two legs that just went up and made an ass of themselves.  One day I was admiring her as she strolled across the grass in her pink little skirt, when all of a sudden; she turned her head and hocked a golf ball sized loogie that would have made Rob Zombie squirm.

From this day forward, I couldn’t look at her the same again.  Don’t get me wrong, I’d still queue up some of her pictures and prime one of my tube socks, but it just wasn’t the same.

I’m certain that similar experiences happen on a daily basis.  Here’s our list of disgusting characteristics that make a hot girl not.

Bad Teeth

Nothing will turn a boner inside out faster than a girl who’s sporting a set of Austin Powers teeth.  How does the even happen?

  • Tight ass? Check.
  • Awesome rack? Check.
  • Beautiful smile…gah WTF!?

Nasty Breath

This is actually universal, but since I have a penis, I will speak for the men.  Ladies, holy fuck brush your teeth.  If we take you out to pizza and you order garlic, you had better be sure that you’ve got tic tacs or gum in your purse.  If not, then feel free to give us the cheek when we lean in and be like “Look bro, I want to kiss you too, but I’ve probably got some dragon breath after that pizza, so how bout you finger blast me for a minute and I’ll hook you up w/ a beej instead?”

Manly Voice /Abrasive Accent

Let’s get one thing straight.  A raspy voice doesn’t mean manly.  Demi Moore has a raspy voice and I’ve spunked to G.I. Jane audio more than once.  A manly voice on the other hand is full of bass.  The kind of bass that says “hey pussy, if we get a flat tire on this date, am I going to change it, or will you?”  This is even more intimidating than Fran Drescher’s accent, but equally annoying.

Extreme/Hate Tattoos

Chick’s with tattoos are usually pretty sexy. While Rebel flag as a tramp stamp is still acceptable, a swastika is a bit extreme. If you stumble across one of these, and you’re horny enough to actually pursue her for a quick one nighter, we’d suggest that you skim through ‘Mein Kampf’ – just so you have something to talk about.

Smokers Hack

Remember when they used to use hot chicks in smoking ads?  Then a few years and 70 cartons of Marlboro Reds later, they sounded like the Howard’s mom in Big Bang Theory.  Kissing a chick who smokes is foul, watching her cough up a lung is disgusting, and having to remove a ventilator from her trachea just to get a beej is…well, inconvenient for one.

Digging in ass crack/Hygiene Fail

We don’t have to explain this one because we’ve got video evidence. Even if this shit is fake, we’ve all seen a chick pick a wedgie at least once.  And we’re not talking about the sexy bikini bottom wedgie adjustment either.

Attention Whore

Take a decent looking girl like Snooki from Jersey Shore, and give her a mic. The part of you that was saying “I’d hit it” just moments ago will now be saying “I’d hit it…with a motherfucking Louisville Slugger.” The most ridiculous thing about an attention whore though, is the fact that we still give them attention.

Conclusion: I know this can go both ways (you can save the sexist asshole emails) but it’s different for hot chicks.  Why?  Because if you see a fatass with chili dog stains on his shirt, you half expect him to be digging in his ass, or coughing up a nasty ball of phlegm.  Call us old fashioned but we just feel a little dirty watching a hot chick mirror that behavior.  Girls don’t poop.