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5 Ways to Fuck with Cops

You gotta think outside the box. Bacon and donut jokes are played out, but that doesn’t mean we should stop fucking with cops. To do so would be an injustice to society as this very fuckery keeps them on their toes. It’s important to keep officers of the law alert at all times.

*note: Readers should possess a sense of humor and common sense before going any further. Nobody is recommending you do any of these things, in fact, we’re pretty sure you definitely shouldn’t.

Befriend A Cop

If you know a cop who is cool (yeah, and who rides a unicorn) you can become friendly with him and actually get him in on this fuckjob. Just make sure your guy is riding shotgun. Whenever he wants to go somewhere, like Walgreens, he can send you a message. That’s your cue to drive recklessly wild and as fast as you can past the cop car. They will then chase you to the store while the cop driving readies his Taser. Make sure your cop friend can prevent you from getting Tasered and going to jail by explaining to his buddies that he was just fucking with the rook.

Chance of going to jail: Depends on how cool that cop friend of yours really is. Be careful out there.

Make Him or Her a Star

This one takes some time and planning. Adopt a cop as your new BFF. Then slowly start to become a bad influence on him or her. Make a video of the cop doing something obviously illegal or drunkenly spouting racial slurs and make him or her a YouTube sensation. Be sure to call the local media and send them the clip as well.

Chance of going to jail: Nearly nil, but watch your back if he was popular at the station.

Get A New Car

Park your car somewhere other than your house. A vacant parking lot or empty field far away would be good. Call the police with an anonymous tip that the car, located wherever you have parked it, has many pounds of narcotics hidden in it (or anything else that is extremely illegal and would cause great alarm).

[Somebody Set Us Up the Bomb!]

Wait for the gang of cops to show up and rip apart and/or blow up your vehicle.

When nothing is found, settle out of court for A BRAND NEW CAR!

A variation of this pig porking is to have someone call and report your car stolen, while you drive around aimlessly until you’re pulled over. After you’re arrested, the PD will likely pay for your car to settle the false arrest claim.

Chance of going to jail: Extremely likely, and for a long time.

Fake Rock

If you live or work in an area that cops drive by a lot, this may be your best opportunity to fuck with the local boys in blue. Stand outside until you see one coming, bend down and pretend to pick up something off the ground, like a small rock. Perfect timing is essential for this to work. You throw the fake rock into the air, and follow its path with your eyes down to the cop’s windshield. Then make a face as if you can’t believe the rock hit the windshield.

Alternatively, you and a friend can pretend to play tug-o-war across the road with an imaginary rope when you see a cop coming.

Chance of going to jail: Expect to be chased and/or questioned and possibly arrested for this dumb shit.

Send the Chief a Free Subscription to Gay Pride Magazine

This is pretty self-explanatory. Sign the card from an officer in the department.

Chance of going to jail: Slim, but possible. Involving the USPS in your cop-fucking fun could end badly.