It’s been an exciting 8 months in your relationship and you’ve shown a lot persistence and determination when it comes to trying out the backdoor.
Then magically on one rainy January evening after two bottles of wine, and a steamy make out session, you finally get cleared to buzz the tower. You haven’t felt this excited since the time you finished a match with over 50% rail gun accuracy in Quake 3.
Things are shaky at first but eventually you get the hang of it. Suddenly, as you were trying to pace yourself you accidentally slipped and abruptly pulled out. This leads to a Hershey trail the size of your forearm getting streaked across the sheets. Pop Quiz: What do you do?
What To Do
- Stay Calm
Acting like this is a normal part of anal is going to be your best bet. Your girlfriend just went number two all over your bed, the last thing you want to do is make a commotion. Doing so, will mortify her and ruin your chances of future experimental encounters.
- Finish in the Shower
Finishing what you started in the shower is a great way to wash away some of the textures and smells that would otherwise just be lingering. Also, watching chunks of shit flow into your shower drain can be extremely entertaining. However, you will not want to make any comments on this.
What NOT To Do
- Make Jokes
To guys accidental shitting (much like farting) can be hilarious. Unfortunately when it’s at your girlfriends expense, this can also be disastrous.
- Explain How Much Your Sheets Cost
When you wrecked your Dad’s piece of shit Subaru Junior year in HS, the last thing you wanted to hear was how much money he had spent “fixing it up.” You already felt like a giant penis for fucking up your only ride to school, and on top of that, you had to be reminded of how you’re going to be sharing a bus seat with some kid who drools and makes airplane noises.
Conclusion: Anal accidents can be stressful. Don’t laugh, panic, or poke fun of your special lady. Keeping these pointers in mind will pave the way for a future experience.