Regretful Morning

9 Sex Toys That Will Retract Your Boner

Posted January 11th, 2010 at 9:00 am by

When it comes to sexual gratification, humans walk a very fine line between “pleasure” and “WTF.”  We’ve cropped out some of our favorite items that did a better job turning us off than anything else.

toymontage

Shrink Cream

shrinkcream

(image via: loverspackage.com)

I’ve never met a man who said “damn I wish my penis would shrink.”  Nevertheless, those men will appreciate this cold shower in a tube.  Only $14.95 for a 1/2 ounce of shrink cream – a real bargain.

Cock Locker

cocklock
(images via: sub-shop)

Hope you’re into being dominated if she comes at you with a cock locker, ball gag, gates of hell or a “Ream and Scream” butt plug. Otherwise, this could be pretty uncomfortable – which is pretty much the point of these toys.  Not too fun for the average vanilla guy.

Japanese Blowjob Machine

blowjobmachine
(image via: gizmodo)

Who needs a real BJ when you can cram your junk into a mechanical penis blender?  I’ll take a chafed johnson and a side order of humiliation.  No thanks.

Sculpta-Sutra

sculpta-sutra
(image via: gizmodo)

Not so much scary as it is just odd. If your girl can’t be open about what she wants and needs to sculpt it to get the message across to you, you’ve both got issues.

Foot Fucker

footfuck
(images via: gizmodo and tinynibbles)

Because everyone should enjoy a good foot fuck right?  Additionally, this black foot has enough girth to make Lexington Steel look like a choir boy.

The Ultimate Douche

ultimatedouche
(image via: flickr)

We were kind of okay with this product until the part about it being perfect for men or women.  Who are we to judge anyone’s sexual fantasies though?  We just feel that stuffing a piece of plastic in your cornhole while your partner watches you shit all over yourself, is far from “exotic” as the label reads.

Portable Concubine

censoredconcubine
(image via: tinynibbles)

Blow up dolls were so last year.  Why limit yourself to just a set of tits and a snapper when you can wrap your hands around a giant plastic penis as well?

Dragon Pussy

dragonpussy
(image via: bad-dragon)

Oh wow, how did we miss out on the beta phase of the Anthro Dragoness? It even came with a free bottle of Bad Dragon cum-lube. Damn, it’s not currently available.

Sperm Stopper

spermstopper
(image via: pixelvomit)

When pulling out, birth control, and condoms just aren’t enough.  Clamping your tip shut while your yogurt slinger is trying to fire a load, might be painful, but it also shows her you care.  And that’s the most important thing in any relationship right?

Desc: This Sperm Stopper gives the cock a hard firm head, just like during an orgasm. Cock bondage can be greatly enhanced with our Sperm Stopper Head Ring. This patented beauty has a small hinged hook (with an 5/16? steel ball at the tip) attached to the 1 1/4? diameter glans ring. It is worn tightly around the head of the penis, and the sphere is inserted into the urethra. Suitable for both natural and circumcised.

Now that your penis has crawled up into your abdomen, it would be a good time to cup the entire area with your right hand and calmly whisper that you’ll never buy any of the above.

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17 Comments
  • crc
    August 23, 2009
    Reply


    #1

    I don’t like to be picky, but it seems that the “Shrink Cream” is actually for women. Am I the only one who noticed (and actually took a closer look…) that is says “apply on the wall of the vagina and opening of the womb”? Still strange but maybe a little less strange right?

  • kryvian
    August 28, 2009
    Reply


    #2

    After a wile you realise it’s best no to comment other ppl’s sex fantisies. After all, if these are a turnoff, then why are they sold? :V

    and yes cum stopper really does look painfull.

  • someguy
    January 11, 2010
    Reply


    #3

    This article is useless without links.

  • Required: Name
    January 19, 2010
    Reply


    #4

    You’re just goddamn dumb. And most probably not very experienced with anything sexual oustide of playboy… douches aren’t for sexual pleasure, it says right in the goddamn picture HYGIENIC let me explain what that means real quick FOR CLEANING you know, like “hygiene”?
    Secondly, the shirnk cream says right on it that it’s for vaginal use. I don’t know many men with vaginas on their cocks.

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