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6 Video Game Vixens Who Should’ve Given It Up

Everyone knows women use guys to get what they need or want and then throw them away, a lot. It doesn’t stop here in the real world either. No, this status of being whipped has also seeped into the video game world. Just like in the real world, some video game guys go to extreme lengths to help a chick out, and then she says ‘Thanks, here’s a mushroom.’ Here are 5 chicks who should have been gracious enough to put out, but didn’t.

Ashley Graham

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In Resident Evil 4, Leon Kennedy, formerly of Raccoon City, is sent by the U.S. Secret Service to rescue the president’s daughter, Ashley Graham, from a crazy Spanish cult. Aside the deployment of a single agent to rescue the daughter of the president, she was more difficult to work with than an auto mechanic with no fingers. Her bumblefuckery is not simply limited to walking in front of Leon as he is shooting (literally walking through his line of fire), she pushes stupid buttons, runs off on her own and gets lost repeatedly, and finally, the voice. Leon has got to be a saint for not putting a buck fifty through her face to shut her up. Although, she is pretty hot, so that’s probably why.

In return for his sacrifices, which include; gunshot wounds, chainsaws to the face, exploding, getting beat to death by giant monsters, getting stabbed, and multiple deaths, Leon get’s a pseudo hug. Not even a real embrace, just that reach-around, pat on the back way you hug your gay brother. For all he’d done for her, the least she could do is throw her ankles in the air for a few hours.

Princess Peach

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Every one of you knew this bitch had to make the list. Mario goes through 32 levels in all, rescuing 7 other princesses, before getting to the one he was trying to save, and totally has a thing for. His perils have included attack by really pissed off mushrooms, retarded-looking turtles, turtle that had spikes go through your feet, jelly fish stings, drowning, stompings from Bowser and his minions, burnings at the hands of Bowser, and a whole mess of other injuries he’d rather we not go into.

What does Mario get for all this effort he put into rescuing this woman? Nothing. A verbal thank you. Same as every other princess Mario rescued. However, several versions of the game later, he is rewarded with physical contact from the prude. How? All he gets is a kiss on the goddamned cheek in Super Mario World. Seriously? She could have at least given him a little tongue…

Princess Zelda

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Princess Zelda was a girl always getting her cute self into trouble. Luckily, she had a dedicated little gay-fabulous elf-boy with a girl-crush on her who would save her. Traveling through time, dimensions, defeating everything from a multi-eyed blob creature to giant dismembered drum-playing ghost hands (you know you loved Bongo-Bongo). He has died, been shrunk, fallen from great heights, been transferred to a world of demons, fought of pirates, and never gets anything more than a kiss on the cheek from this girl.

That’s right, all he gets is a kiss on the cheek, and a gracious one at that, not the kiss on the cheek that lingers and suggests ‘come up to my tower later tonight’. You know she should have. Not only did Link save her, he saved her whole damned kingdom, repeatedly. At the very least, she could have given him some royal royalties, if you know what I mean. Better yet, she should have married him so he would have all the rupees in the world, and a staff to do his bidding.

Claire Redfield


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As anyone who has ever played the Resident Evil series will tell you, Claire’s neediness can be summed up with one quote from the game, ‘Leon!’. We couldn’t tell you where specifically from the game, though, because she calls out to him far too damned often. For a college student, she doesn’t know much about survival. So Leon Kennedy saves her ass a number of times because, being a rookie cop, he knows how to survive zombie outbreaks. Perhaps he was a veteran of the xkcd fora.

How does Claire ever repay Leon for his services? Nada, nothing. She doesn’t. The most action he gets is an ‘OMG you like, totally saved me like, thankies!!!’ hug. Yeah, he got totally shafted. What should he have gotten? Remember that destroyed bus in Resident Evil 2? She could’ve been on her knees in there. Just sayin’.

Princess Daphne

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Dirk the Daring busts his ass to rescue this busty, boner making princess from the evil dragon Singe in Dragons Lair.  Although Dirk was a clumsy retard at times, he captured our hearts by giving it a valiant effort.  The other bad part about this game is that when it was released in 1983, it was arcade only.  This means that you couldn’t just close the blinds and let your imagination do the rest.  No, any wood that you started to sport, would be seen by the other teenagers huddled around the box.

Mayors Daughter Jessica

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Jessica (Final Fight) was the daughter of a Mayor named My Haggar and the girlfriend of a Martial arts stud named Cody.  These two with the help of their ninja friend named Guy set off on a 6 stage face pounding rescue, where at the end, none of them get a good reward.  Come on Capcom, release the bra strap on those big pixelated titties so we can watch Cody fire a giant 8 bit load all over them.