First dates are important. Sadly, they often end in disaster. You saved up enough cash to take out a nice girl, picked her up, opened every door, pulled out every chair, and kept your head in the game. Tonight you were going to be a perfect gentleman. Moments later you realize you made big mistake, and would probably rather make-out with a shotgun. Today we’re going to pull back the curtains and look at some of those mistakes.
The Girl Who Won’t STFU About Her Ex
You know you’re in for a doozy when the first thing out of your dates mouth is “This is nice, <insert ex boyfriend> was always too fucking cheap to take me somewhere fancy.” Your night is pretty much fucked from here on out. If you can, tell her that you don’t drink. Why? Because you know that as soon as you order wine and she’s got a half bottle of Merlot in her stomach, she’s going to be a mess. She’ll probably be calling him within the hour, and be getting fucked silly minutes after you drop her off.
Cell Phone Chatter/Texter
Look, we get it. You tell your friend to text or call you during the first ten minutes of the date. If we’re creepy, you’ll drop a hint to your friend and moments later you’ll be telling us how you have to leave because you have to take your friend to the ER. I don’t think any guy has a problem with that first text or phone call, it’s basically standard procedure. We do however, get pissed if your face is pointed at your iPhone all night.
The Menu Analyzer
“Well if I get the main dish then I probably won’t be hungry enough to finish the appetizer. But if I don’t get the appetizer my tummy may start to grumble because I just took my pill blah blah.”
The menu analyzer is a terrible date mainly because you know most of tonight’s conversations are going to be more like an out loud reading of ‘Trouble shooting for retards.’
Girl Who Thinks Anyone Gives A Shit About “Jersey Shore”
When it comes to pop culture in America, we really got the short end of the stick. Reality TV ruins the lives of men everywhere when their wives/girlfriends get sucked into another one of these piles of shit. It isn’t exciting and it isn’t real, but it’s drama – and that my friends is all that it takes. The only thing men know about reality TV is that Snookie got knocked the fuck out. Can we leave it at that please?
Loud After Two Glasses Of Wine Chick
This young lady doesn’t know it, but around the world men shudder at the agony of taking someone like her out on a date. Unfortunately, this one will also be most likely to jump in the sack. You really need to weigh your options and play your cards right. On one hand, if nothing sets her off you could be knocking boots within the hour. Sure you’ll get a few looks when people peer over their meals as she’s cackling like a hyena. But sometimes the price of glory isn’t cheap. On the other hand, you could make some insensitive comment about the war in Iraq thinking it would be funny. Quoting Bill Maher won’t get the same reaction from a liquored up young lady as it would from your roommates. This shit can and will get ugly. Remember, weigh those options.
Girl Who Leads You On All Night, Then Drops “Friend” Bomb
Probably the worst first date and most heart crushing experience ever, is at the hands of the girl you’ve been chasing for quite some time. She shows all the signs of being interested, and now it’s time to finally take her out. Somewhere between the second expensive bottle of whatever she ordered and dessert, she’ll be like “Oh I thought this was just a friend thing” leaving you utterly devastated.
Protip for the ladies: No guy will ever take you out to a nice dinner and just want to be friends. Don’t act dumb when he starts dropping hints (you know who you are). Seriously, how hard would it be to say “Look I really don’t like you like that but you just dumped a shit load of cash into this evening, so if you want to pound my love hole for a few minutes, go ahead. Just know that this is totally no strings.” It’s the least you can do after leading him on.