We can only imagine how many people got new computers for Christmas. For many, this will be their first time online.
If your mom, grandma or someone else you care about is new to the Internet, here are some of the d-bags you’ll want to warn them about before they call you to let you know they’ve won the lottery and just got back from Western Union and have sent cash to Nigeria to claim their prize.
Twitter is a garbage excuse for a social network. No one cares if you just took a shit, and if they do, they’re pretty lifeless. There are a few excecptions, but these are few and far between.
“Yes I got him a gift. He had a kidney stone. You piss a rock through your pecker, you deserve more than just a pat on the fucking back.” – via Shit my dad says
Facebook Fanpage Whore
Once upon a time fan pages were for those people who actually had fans irl. This is no longer the case. People who create fan pages are usually either sorely mistaken or just need attention. Fan pages can range anywhere from the girl who cuts your hair to the homeless guy you just gave the rest of your sandwich to.
“Dude why don’t you just ignore those fan requests.”
This is a good idea, sadly people get their feelings hurt. And to avoid drama, you mindlessly click the “become a fan” button.
Making fun of Nigerian email scammers stopped being funny 6 years ago. So to save everyone time, I’ll leave you with a clip that sums 99% of these emails up.
Professional Spammers and IM Idiots
Most of us who see a random AIM or Skype contact trying to rattle off sentences in a fucked up version of English, will probably automatically think “cool, another scam fail” /block /ignore. Our parents aren’t that quick. And while they might seem like they’re catching on to this whole interwebz thing, you really need to sit them down eventually and explain that there is no such thing as an internet friend, everyone is a pervert, and they only want moneys.
The average troll exists to get a rise out of people. An unprepared internet user will probably begin the rage process early in their first troll encounter. Sadly, they won’t have a clue that someone is receiving massive lulz at their expense. It is a good idea to sit your parents down and explain a few acronyms along with key phrases like “rofl fuckn nub fgt” so that they aren’t fully unprepared for the inevitable.
The Porn Bot
Every single male reading this article has been emotionally butt fucked by a porn bot. It doesn’t matter if it was in 1998 on Yahoo chat, or just yesterday as a random pop under. It’s sort of like unwrapping a gigantic present, only to find a pile of shit inside. On the upside, you can usually take a screen shot of the bot whore and post it in 4chan with a title like “Anyone have the full set from this cum dumpster?” 8/10 times your broken heart will find some healing via a few megs worth of pics.
Conclusion: These encounters are inevitable. Let’s give our friends and family the support they need before they embark on their journey.