Regretful Morning

5 Types of People You’ll Meet at IKEA

Posted January 4th, 2010 at 1:25 am by

Not long ago I found myself making my first ever solo journey to IKEA.  Soon after making it through the entrance I was surprised to see the many similarities our modern culture shares with the ancient Romans.

Gladiator

IKEA is incredibly intimidating.  If you’ve ever gotten lost in a supermarket as a toddler, you’ll know what this feels like.  The first thing you will try to do is find your mom’s hand.  However, once you realize that you’re alone, panic will begin to set in.  Today we’re going to give you a run down of the 5 types of people you’ll more than likely cross paths with while you’re lost and wandering around this hell hole for several hours.

The Mother of 3

mom-and-kids-shingwedz copy

Armed with a stroller, a hand bag, and three screaming kids this woman is probably the most dangerous person in IKEA. Lack of English skills and funds won’t stop this young lady from her goal of finding a new bedroom set/playpen combo.  Unfortunately she’ll learn that bartering doesn’t work so well in this country, and will /ragequit out of the store at an even faster pace than she entered.

The Boyfriend Who Is Being Forced

baby43

The hardest thing about being a loyal boyfriend is the amount of ultimatums you’re eventually hit with. Let’s look at a quick example.

“Get rid of that nasty jersey”

“But honey I like it”

“Cool, no sex for you”

The boyfriend who was forced to shop at IKEA with his GF is in pure misery.  His facial expression matches that of a dog which has just been roughed over pretty hard, but didn’t quite die.  He’s sort of just waddling around with that “please shoot me” look in his eyes, all while contemplating if his old lady is worth the agony.

The Husband Who Was Lied To

depressed guy

The deceived husband was told that they were shopping for a TV stand and some racks for his power tools, but ended up in the bathroom section looking at the daffodil curtains that his wife waved in front of his face.  The defeated husband will teeter on the border of depression and rage until he drinks his pain away watching the late game on ESPN. 


The Old Man

old man

This guy is freshly retired and really doesn’t know what to do with all of his free time.  He’ll make several trips to this store for the breakfast specials alone.  After that he’ll sort of walk around aimlessly and try to find a way to be helpful.  He can usually tell you more about the product you’re looking at than the actual employees.

The Young Couple

bf is sad

The young couple has just made a big step in their relationship.  This pair of lovebirds is made up of one eager girl and one terrified guy.  While she is tugging at his hand, dreaming of a cozy living room and the possibility of babies, he is slowly feeling his hopes and dreams fade away.  The whole scene resembles something you’d see on “Crocodile Hunter.”  At first the croc will splash around being wild and dangerous, but once Steve Erwin is able to clamp those jaws shut, he pretty much just sits around in misery waiting for it to end.

Conclusion: IKEA has a website, I’d recommend using it rather than making a personal appearance.  Seriously, a small piece of you will die.

Around The Web

24 Comments
  • skeez
    January 4, 2010
    Reply


    #1

    I go to IKEA to meet loose women.

    • behhh
      January 4, 2010
      Reply


      #2

      Dad?

    • Angela
      January 4, 2010
      Reply


      #3

      Mom?

    • kryvian
      January 5, 2010
      Reply


      #4

      Sis?

      • kryvian's sister
        January 5, 2010
        Reply


        #5

        your room again tonight?

    • Jaba Jaba
      January 5, 2010
      Reply


      #6

      Bill Clinton?

  • miloske037
    January 5, 2010
    Reply


    #7

    Cow? :)

  • Goobyer
    January 5, 2010
    Reply


    #8

    The boyfriend, husband, and male from the young couple are basically the same person.

    Also, you’ll actually see every type of person dumping money at Ikea. Their CEO is worth more than Bill Gates.

    • MacFu
      January 5, 2010
      Reply


      #9

      Bill Gates is still worth more and it’s the Ikea founder not the current CEO is # 5 on the richest people list.

  • zbeast
    January 5, 2010
    Reply


    #10

    it’s not that bad… seash, you can if you want to just dash though the place in about 20 mins and get yourself a good meal and go home.
    Yes you can order stuff but I like seeing a touching stuff.
    Some of Ikea’s wares are a little cheap and flimsy.

    • heff
      January 5, 2010
      Reply


      #11

      20 min if you have a shotgun

  • WhitePeopleLikeIKEA
    January 5, 2010
    Reply


    #12

    I only see middle class white people at IKEA, don’t know what you’re talking about guy.

    • Jason
      January 5, 2010
      Reply


      #13

      Come visit the IKEA in San Diego.

  • ALEX
    January 5, 2010
    Reply


    #14

    This article simply promotes the relationship dynamic stereotype of women being self-involved nitwits prone to insensitively manipulating their partners, and men being passively resentful of women. Ur article sucks bro.

    • bell hop
      January 5, 2010
      Reply


      #15

      cool story bro

  • Rem1
    January 6, 2010
    Reply


    #16

    You’re missing:
    Gay couples (looking for stuff that will not give away the fact that they buy everything there)
    Recently married (looking for cheap stuff because they moved to an unfurnished flat for the first time)
    pregnant women – with their BF, helpful GF – or worse, with their mom

    Fighting couples – mislead byt the homey environment, they act just like if they were at home and they’re bumping head because they both give a shit about the stuff they want to buy. You’ll meet them again, albeit separately, maybe moping on a display couch somewhere.

  • Mark
    January 6, 2010
    Reply


    #17

    What a shitty article. Really poorly written. I’m guessing the author is about 15.

  • me
    January 8, 2010
    Reply


    #18

    shit list, try harder

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