We all give or receive Christmas gifts, year after year, that will ultimately be used one or two times before getting boxed up and banished to the attic to collect dust for eternity. Many of these items flood Ebay after every Christmas, or show up at a garage sale in the spring so they can collect dust at someone else’s house. Some people will even try to exchange them, even though they’re now not only USED pieces of crap, but there’s technically nothing wrong with them to begin with. It’s not that we don’t like these gifts or the thoughtfulness behind them — quite the opposite in in fact — we’re excited about these presents. Unfortunately that excitement wears off the moment they start becoming a pain in the ass to use or clean. This usually happens before we ring in the new year.
Banana bread is awesome for a couple days. Beyond that, this thing is just going to take up counter space in the kitchen. You’re not going to bake your own bread every day, no matter how easy it might be with an automatic breadmaker. Don’t kid yourself.
Disc Washer/ Scratch Repair Thing
Do these even work? And can’t you just wash a disc with dish soap or rub it with a little Brasso or toothpaste to fix it anyway?
Oh yay, fondue. We love chocolate fountains and melted cheese. Have you ever tried to clean one of these things? Even Goodwill is going to give you dirty looks if you try to donate this thing. Box it up immediately.
Any Board Game
After all the Christmas get-togethers are over, who’s going to have the time to sit around and play these games? It’s also almost a guarantee that some of the many game pieces will be immediately lost. It’s back to the normal grind on January 2 and what’s left of the board games will be shuttled up to the attic with the holiday decorations.
We usually get these from well meaning relatives who want us to get our shit together. It’s not happening. It didn’t last year, or the year before and it’s not likely to at any point in the future unless they also want to hire you a maid to clean and put the organizer to use — and to reorganize for you after you clutter things up again.
Okay, these things are ridiculous pieces of shit, but nobody really knows that until after they buy them. A really clean keyboard is nice, but these things have less sucking power than your best friend’s sister, and it’s easier to just flip your keyboard or laptop over and beat the back of it than to try to get a keyboard vac to extract even the tiniest particle from it. Take our word for it. These don’t usually get the chance to collect dust though, at least mine didn’t. It went straight into the garbage.
I have several in my attic, and a couple more are in my mom’s attic. It’s not exactly fun lugging water into the living room to put into one of these things — not to mention lugging the thing full of feetwater to the bathroom to dump it when you’re done. Additionally, the noises made by your foot spa are usually about as relaxing as listening to your roommate’s stomach problems after a long night of partying.
These are loud and annoying unless you spend $300 on one, and even then it’s pretty iffy. Massages may feel great, but when you’re being kneaded by a robotic chair mat, don’t count on it hitting just the right spots like an actual person might. Instead, just go see the girls over at Madam Camae’s Filipino Palace.