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Broke? 5 Ways To Tip The Pizza Guy

pizzamontage

It’s late and none of your party buddies are fit to drive, but you’re all hungry. There’s another problem though, you can only scrounge up enough cash between you to pay for the pizza delivery — and you know the driver is going to expect, and likely deserve, a nice tip for delivering to a house full of completely intoxicated people.  Time to think outside the box and come up with a way to tip the driver without cash.  Here are some options:

Girl in the T-Shirt

34611_2dd2c

Some of you may have slutty women in your life.  Occasionally, you might even have the “I just want to be one of the guys” type of girl who tags along at every single alpha male event.  If this is the case you’ll need to let her know that it’s time for her to contribute (extremely nsfw link).  If she feels that it validates her as “one of the guys” she’ll probably participate.  The pizza boy will be doing something that rhymes with participate as well, causing him to completely forget about his tip.

The last shot of Jack (to go)

animal-house

Giving someone the last shot of anything says a couple things about you.

  • You’re compassionate
  • You’re willing to sacrifice

Once the pizza guy sees you demonstrate both these qualities just so he doesn’t leave empty handed, he’ll quickly forget about a failed tip, and embrace coming back at a later date.

Marijuana

bag-of-weed

Everyone has a friend who always has weed.  However, they take their greenery serious, and won’t just let it float out the front door because you didn’t have enough cash for a tip.  Thus,  your buddy who resembles ‘Slater’ from Dazed and Confused will convince the pizza boy to take “just one hit.”  And right there, his night will go from all suck, to pure win.  He’ll gladly be on the first delivery truck back to your place, even if you are a bunch of broke ass college kids.

Dwight Schrute bobblehead or equally awesome figurine

dwight

A pizza delivery vehicle isn’t complete without at least one bobblehead doll.  Coughing up your Dwight bobblehead might be hard at first, but let’s totally honest.  You were probably going to lose it when you moved out anyway.  Also, you stopped recording The Office two seasons ago when the whole ‘Jim and Pam’ romance stopped being funny.  However, The Schrute bobblehead still has the ability to turn a regular pizza wagon into an awesome mobile.

A custom Rage comic to explain your situation

pizza rage

Comic courtesy of reddit user Kozmo199 (Click to enlarge)

Printing out a custom rage comic that you slapped together in MS Paint can be extremely sentimental.  In fact, I’ll bet you that $20, that no one has ever made a custom comic just for him.  Sure he won’t have gas money now, but he’ll hang on to that comic for the rest of his life.  Picture him 70 years from now bouncing his toddler great grandson on one knee “See Timmy, this is back when my life was fucked, but I could still get a boner.”

Conclusion:

If you don’t have or can’t get any of these items to tip the driver, you’re on your own. No tip means the drivers will fight over who has to bring your pizza next time, and none of them will want to because you’re the un-cool non-tipper douchebag. So be cool and make the effort. Pizza is so much better when it’s hot.

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