Regretful Morning

Broke? 5 Ways To Tip The Pizza Guy

Posted December 16th, 2009 at 10:11 pm by

pizzamontage

It’s late and none of your party buddies are fit to drive, but you’re all hungry. There’s another problem though, you can only scrounge up enough cash between you to pay for the pizza delivery — and you know the driver is going to expect, and likely deserve, a nice tip for delivering to a house full of completely intoxicated people.  Time to think outside the box and come up with a way to tip the driver without cash.  Here are some options:

Girl in the T-Shirt

34611_2dd2c

Some of you may have slutty women in your life.  Occasionally, you might even have the “I just want to be one of the guys” type of girl who tags along at every single alpha male event.  If this is the case you’ll need to let her know that it’s time for her to contribute (extremely nsfw link).  If she feels that it validates her as “one of the guys” she’ll probably participate.  The pizza boy will be doing something that rhymes with participate as well, causing him to completely forget about his tip.

The last shot of Jack (to go)

animal-house

Giving someone the last shot of anything says a couple things about you.

  • You’re compassionate
  • You’re willing to sacrifice

Once the pizza guy sees you demonstrate both these qualities just so he doesn’t leave empty handed, he’ll quickly forget about a failed tip, and embrace coming back at a later date.

Marijuana

bag-of-weed

Everyone has a friend who always has weed.  However, they take their greenery serious, and won’t just let it float out the front door because you didn’t have enough cash for a tip.  Thus,  your buddy who resembles ‘Slater’ from Dazed and Confused will convince the pizza boy to take “just one hit.”  And right there, his night will go from all suck, to pure win.  He’ll gladly be on the first delivery truck back to your place, even if you are a bunch of broke ass college kids.

Dwight Schrute bobblehead or equally awesome figurine

dwight

A pizza delivery vehicle isn’t complete without at least one bobblehead doll.  Coughing up your Dwight bobblehead might be hard at first, but let’s totally honest.  You were probably going to lose it when you moved out anyway.  Also, you stopped recording The Office two seasons ago when the whole ‘Jim and Pam’ romance stopped being funny.  However, The Schrute bobblehead still has the ability to turn a regular pizza wagon into an awesome mobile.

A custom Rage comic to explain your situation

pizza rage

Comic courtesy of reddit user Kozmo199 (Click to enlarge)

Printing out a custom rage comic that you slapped together in MS Paint can be extremely sentimental.  In fact, I’ll bet you that $20, that no one has ever made a custom comic just for him.  Sure he won’t have gas money now, but he’ll hang on to that comic for the rest of his life.  Picture him 70 years from now bouncing his toddler great grandson on one knee “See Timmy, this is back when my life was fucked, but I could still get a boner.”

Conclusion:

If you don’t have or can’t get any of these items to tip the driver, you’re on your own. No tip means the drivers will fight over who has to bring your pizza next time, and none of them will want to because you’re the un-cool non-tipper douchebag. So be cool and make the effort. Pizza is so much better when it’s hot.

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37 Comments
  • PizzaGuy
    December 17, 2009
    Reply


    #1

    Only cash pays the bills. If you think any of these options are even remotely the same, you are a douche. If you can’t tip in cash, you can’t afford the pizza.

    • imagirrrrrrrrl
      December 17, 2009
      Reply


      #2

      i would let you touch my boobies once and you would forget about a tip 8-)

      • Smooth Lee
        January 16, 2010
        Reply


        #3

        Actually, if that is true I might be just be thinking of giving you my own tip ; ) . . . .hadda.
        Since i’m up here: I was/am a delivery/driver and special perks can keep you from being sad about a min. wage SERVICE job (for all the FUCKtards who don’t really work for a living or comprehend earned GRATUITIES), as long as you are paid what you are owed first! Now…back to crossing the “no touch” barrier…….

    • PL
      December 17, 2009
      Reply


      #4

      He just came.

    • Someguy
      December 27, 2009
      Reply


      #5

      Worker salary must be enouth, if the employer can’t afford a decent salary he can’t think that his costumer would pay for the pizza and for the delivery boy.

      I’ll never understand the “you must always give tips” that americans have. Tips are for the workers who deserves it, not for everybody.

    • deliverydriver
      March 17, 2010
      Reply


      #6

      Fuck all your suggestions. Pizza guy’s just want the money, I promise.

  • brad tittle
    December 17, 2009
    Reply


    #7

    I have heard tell of pizza guys foregoing the bill and paying for the pizza themselves because of the “tip” they received.

    The same guy also described selling another customers 30 minute pizza for $50 running back to the store getting the pizza remade and redelivered inside his allotted time….

  • Pizza Eater
    December 17, 2009
    Reply


    #8

    Would you ever try to tip your Denny’s waitress with one of those coloring pictures they have on the counter? The correct answer is no. If you can’t tip, don’t order.

  • elkosprings
    December 17, 2009
    Reply


    #9

    This is some funny stuff. I was pizza driver for quite awhile myself. You take of us and we will take care of you. You screw with us and we will screw you back.
    Check out this cool website for much needed cash. Go to
    http;//www.eatmybacon.com/ for your FREE report.

  • Crabs
    December 17, 2009
    Reply


    #10

    You can’t HANDLE the Tip! = http://tiny.cc/justthetip

  • RandomGuy
    December 17, 2009
    Reply


    #11

    As a delivery guy, if I received (most) of these ‘tips’ we would blacklist your house. :)

    Get money, get paid.

  • palami
    December 17, 2009
    Reply


    #12

    scramble some eggs

  • Nick
    December 17, 2009
    Reply


    #13

    I delivered pizza for about a year and the first four would suffice. If someone doesn’t tip me, I don’t sweat it, if I get tipped 1$ on a 30$ order, thats what makes me mad.

  • PL
    December 17, 2009
    Reply


    #14

    He just came…

  • Really?
    December 17, 2009
    Reply


    #15

    What is up with this “If you cant tip then don’t order” I mean really. With this economy its a crap shoot if you will get a tip. Its not the broke customers fault they cant tip you(maybe it is in some cases) Though it is your fault you work in the food industry, the only person who really cares about your tip is you. All your boss wants to do is have the food made in your company sold. Dont get high and mighty because you want your tip. Now go make me a sammich.

    • Really?
      December 17, 2009
      Reply


      #16

      Oh yeah, before I get responses about what an awful person I am. I tip very well, 20% or more. One of my best friends is a waitress, but she doesn’t whine. I hate whiners. Its the waitresses/waiters that are whiners, rude, or just not paying attention who get exact change. The comments also make pizza delivery guys sound like douchebags.

  • anudder random dork
    December 17, 2009
    Reply


    #17

    I delivered pizza for 4 years as a second job. I had plenty of great tips, some bad, and some zeroes. You take the good with the bad. Does it suck to get a bad or null tip? Sure. I got over it. There were plenty of times that when delivering again to the same house where I got a zero tip, I got a 30% tip the next time.

    I drive drunk people home now for a second job. I’ve gotten tips of $6 on a two hour run. I’ve gotten tips of $300 on a 15 minute run. Again, you take the good with the bad. It all comes out in the wash.

    Admittedly, I’m happier when I get a nice healthy $20 tip, but show me some titty, and I’ll be happy as well.

  • marklar
    December 17, 2009
    Reply


    #18

    Why on earth do pizza guys think they deserve a tip?

    • Bilbo Baggins
      December 18, 2009
      Reply


      #19

      Obviously you have never been a delivery driver…

    • john
      December 18, 2009
      Reply


      #20

      Pizza guys deserve a tip because they are driving their own cars all over creation for minimum wage just so your fat ass doesn’t miss a second of Star Trek. If you don’t know why pizza drivers deserve a tip you probably shouldn’t order, that’s not sausage.

  • marvin
    December 18, 2009
    Reply


    #21

    I like the girl and marijuana. These gonna make someone drunk.

  • Martijn
    December 18, 2009
    Reply


    #22

    Lol, here in Holland we don’t need to give any tip at all !

  • Anti-tip
    December 18, 2009
    Reply


    #23

    Oh please…blacklist? Ha.

    If you want a good paying job, try a real career instead of slinging pizzas to frat houses.

    I tip if I can, if I can’t, well then I guess minimum wage will have to be good enough since you are too fucking retarded to get an actual job.

    • PART TIME DRIVER, FULL TIME STUDENT
      April 7, 2010
      Reply


      #24

      Why the fuck do you think some of us are delivering pizzas??? It’s because we don’t have rich ass parents to pay our way through college or the financial aid just doesn’t quit pay all the bills!!! Your stupid! Between the wear and tear on our vehicle, minimum wage, and that DELIVERY FEE THAT WE DON’T GET TO KEEP…SOMETIMES OUR TIPS BARELY COVER THE GAS WE USED ON THAT SHIFT. Sometimes the only food in my fridge was frozen pizza which my manager liked me enough to give me. Frat houses…no no no…we’re talking about full grown adults making 10 times plus our minimum wage who can afford $30 dollars worth of pizza, but not a 15% tip!!!!

      IF YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO TIP…YOU CAN’T AFFORD THE PIZZA!!!! DRAG YOUR ASS OUT TO THE PIZZA HUT AND WASTE YOUR GAS AND TIME!!!

      AND AS FOR A REAL JOB…I WAS A PARALEGAL STUDENT, STUDYING TO GET ACCEPTED INTO LAW SCHOOL…SO YOUR THE FUCKING RETARDED DUMBFUCK!!! JUST REMEMBER THAT WHEN THE MANAGER…FORMER DRIVER SPITS RIGHT IN THE CENTER OF YOUR PIZZA FOR EVERYBODY TO GET THE FIRST BITE!!! I’VE SEEN IT HAPPEN FASTER THAN I COULD REALIZE WHAT HAPPENED OR MAYBE WE’LL JUST WIPE OUR ASS THEN STICK A FINGER IN IT. :) YEAH THAT’S MY FAVORITE FOR ASSHOLES LIKE YOU.

  • Skolly
    December 20, 2009
    Reply


    #25

    I delivered as a second job for a while and quite liked it. Some great, average and poor tippers every night, but I averaged between $12-15/hour cash in my pocket. And driving a diesel kept the eds mileage & cost low. Since I worked the Th-Fr-Sat-Sun night shifts I actually saved loads of cash instead of pissing it away.

  • f
    January 2, 2010
    Reply


    #26

    Jason you really should stop writing, I have read two of your articles and both suck.

  • Sarah
    February 16, 2010
    Reply


    #27

    I really hope girls aren’t that slutty. My boyfriend just got a job as a pizzaguy. :/

  • wigs
    April 12, 2010
    Reply


    #28

    something is so big

  • Lyons
    May 4, 2010
    Reply


    #29

    Yea it does suck when working in the pizza bizz but its your own fault YOU dont tip mc donalds workers do u and they are making the same as the big pizza companys pay their employees. GET AN EDUCATION thats all u can do or get lucky the pizza company is out for money they dont pay for car wear and tear if u use ur vehical they dont pay u any of the delivery charge they now charge people. and they pay min wage. horrible bizz to work in if ur entry level.

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