Regretful Morning

What does your bar tab say about you?

Posted November 8th, 2009 at 11:00 pm by

Have you ever seen a receipt laying on a bar top, and thought to yourself “I bet I know what kind of person this belongs to”?  Is it possible to formulate a conclusion based solely on what someone ordered?  We’d like to think so.

6) The Wannabe Musician

The wannabe musician considers himself to be an artist.  He starts off with micro brews or imports to let everyone know that he is a sophisticated individual, who will not conform to trends.  As the night wears on, he begins to wonder why he hasn’t booked a gig in 2 years, and starts to order something with higher alcohol content.  After gulping down his Long Island Iced Tea, he begins to realize that his music sucks.  From here on out he orders shots of Jose until he runs out of cash.  After leaving a $1.32 tip, he heads back to his ride.

5) The Construction Worker

After working 12 hours in the sweltering heat, The Construction Worker hits his favorite bar.  He knows everyone by their first name and usually keeps himself in well mannered.  Around beer #9 he begins to refer to the bartender as “sugar tits” instead of  “Kimmie” (all in good fun).  After completing beer #12, he hops in his F-150, drives home to his wife, and doesn’t swerve once.

4) The Aspiring Actress


The Aspiring Actress enters a popular night club and only orders club soda.  She has $20 to her name and this is the cheapest drink on the menu.  Thankfully, some sap in a suit rolls up on her after club soda #2, and offers to buy her some real drinks.  After telling her that she is talented and beautiful, he pays for the rest of the tab, and takes her back to his place.  Dignity is small price to pay when you just got 5 free cosmos and a compliment.

3) The Broken Hearted Frat Boy

Having just been dumped, the emotional frat boy enters his favorite sports bar.  After telling most of the patrons his sob story, he decides that his pain will go away with shots of Jack.  Sadly this Frat boy didn’t bring enough money to cover his tab, so the bar holds on to his ID and credit card until he can make payment.  An unfortunate ending to the shit storm of a day hes already been through.

2) The Sorority Girl

The Sorority Girl and her sisters know how to game the system.  They are the only ones who leave a bar with more money than they entered with.  The Sorority Girl targets bars that are saturated with sausage, thus allowing her to pull in all sorts of free drinks (just to help even out the 10:1 ratio of dudes per chick).  Once she has depleted all of the resources in one bar, she will move on to the next ‘brodeo’, where she will once again be the center of attention.

1) The Typical Guido

The Typical Guido enters clubs believing that he is gods gift to women.  Sucking down 1 Jager Bomb per beer, he is determined to do two things.  Get completely hammered, and score some tail.  Sadly this douchebag usually ends up going home alone; heres why.

There are 80 milligrams of caffeine in a Red Bull.  A Jager Bomb has about 1/2 of a Red Bull in it (40 MG).

40 mg Caffeine x 6 =  240 milligrams of caffeine.

With 240 milligrams of caffeine + alcohol pumpng through his veins, the Guido is more annoying at the end of the night then when it started.

The Typical Douchebag – Watch more free videos

Around The Web

  • Jason Rodriguez
    October 6, 2008


    My bar tab usually starts with several glasses of wine, moves on to several pints of microbrew, and then finishes up with several bottles of Miller Light and a plate of hot wings. And that’s just weekdays. What does that make me? An alcoholic?

  • Creg
    October 6, 2008


    Damn J-Rod, you put these tabs to shame.

  • John
    October 6, 2008


    My bar tab usually include porto and wine… what does that tell you about me? :)

    Of course, after a night of heavy drinking, there’s nothing quite a good as a big fat Poutine to make the stomach right :)

    Poutine goes better with beer though!

  • Petra
    October 6, 2008


    I can’t believe you found Rico Suave and Guido in the same video.

  • Jason
    October 7, 2008


    My bar tab Saturday in the Gaslamp Quarter in San Diego:

    1 Bombay Sapphire Martini
    1 shot Jose Cuervo
    2 Black Martinis
    1 Campari and soda
    1 Grey Goose rocks
    1 Guinness
    1 Strongbow
    1 Jaeger bomb
    4 glasses of chardonnay
    3 shots Jose Cuervo

    Question: How did I feel the next day?

  • Rob
    October 7, 2008


    smart, insightful and accurate, except I don’t believe it had to be considered “sadly” for the douche bag to go home alone :D

  • Lemaster
    October 7, 2008


    Do drinks this cheap still exist?

  • TheMan
    October 7, 2008


    I think Jason would qualify as the alcoholic that was missing from your little list.

  • cryogenic
    October 7, 2008


    Hey, not all of us who drink jagerbombs are douchebags looking for tail, some of us just like the taste… But then again I don’t drink beer at all.. and I usually have a couple of shots of agwa, a couple of shots of tequila and maybe a surfer on acid or two. I guess my bar tab says I drink too much :-P

  • Jamie
    October 7, 2008


    Seriously, you need to double those drink prices. In Boston a Bud bottle will run you $5.

  • slickridley
    October 7, 2008


    my bar tab,
    “local pub name here”
    4 pints yuengling
    1 fish and chips
    1 steamed red cabbage

  • Aaron Bassett
    October 7, 2008


    On a normal Friday/Saturday session I would normally have:

    Half bottle of White wine with dinner
    6 Pints Cider
    3 Pints Guinness
    2 Shots (Tequila/Sambuca)

    Then unknown amount at home once pub closes. Last guests normally leave around midday Sunday.

    Pretty normal for the Irish tho ;)

  • Alkey Holic
    October 7, 2008


    Last Friday my bar tab was:

    2 pints Great Lakes Burning River IPA
    2 pints Guinness
    1 fish & chips
    1 Makers Mark on the Rocks

    Both a Delicious and Nutritious night!

  • Tom Blackwell
    October 7, 2008


    Nice receipts! Too bad the bottom’s cropped off…

  • Alkey Holic
    October 7, 2008


    Also, people who think they can peg a person based on their bar tabs need to go back to reading their horoscopes and leave us drinkers alone.


  • Reality
    October 7, 2008


    Ahh, I WISH the prices of drinks were as cheap as these checks show.. god damn, $4 for a long island ice tea and $12 for three taquilla’s?

  • Jason
    October 7, 2008


    Jesus christ you guys are alcoholics.

    @cryogenic it should be pointed out that I also enjoy Jager Bombs. You have to admit that it is the preferred drink of the douchebag though.

  • Jason Rodriguez
    October 7, 2008


    @Jason And Irish Carbombs are the preferred drinks of douchebags once they hit 30.

  • Tomm
    October 7, 2008


    Horatio Lee Jenkins’ bar tab last night (and every night):

    He starts off with the Jim Beam whiskey around 6 o’clock. It usually takes him about 4 hours to finish a 1.75 liter bottle of that. Around 10 o’clock he has a beer to make sure he’s hydrated. At 10:30, he gets into the Cuervo. That stuff is pretty smooth and he can usually down a 1.75 of that in about 3 hours. After that Horatio ALWAYS has a few beers to help him sober up. I think that may be the secret, but he has never had a hangover.

    I am certain that Satan did. You should have seen that hellish ghoul puking all night. Satan is pathetic!

    Here is video proof:

  • Slopez
    October 7, 2008


    recent tab 1:

    4 triple shots of jager
    6 Stella Artois

    recent tab 2:

    2 pitchers of high life
    3 shots of jose

    recent tab 3 (sickening hangover):

    2 hurricanes
    2 mind erasers
    2 double shots of jager
    2 double shots of jemmison

  • joaquin
    October 7, 2008


    On a weekday, excluding Friday, from 5 to 6:20 mine is:

    4 Guinness
    1 shot of Sailor Jerry
    1 cigar


    6 Bud Lights
    2 shots of Evan Williams
    1 cigar

    My category: Drinking for effect.

  • Dale
    October 7, 2008


    September 19th, GF’s birthday

    I had…

    1/2 Rum and Coke (not into those)
    1 Whiskey Sour
    3 AMF’s

    She Had…

    12 Butter Nipples (shots)
    1 Double Virgin Mary

    We both had…

    A designated driver getting us around
    One of the best nights together & With friends
    Sex… TONS!!!

    My Category: AWESOME HBD!!!!

  • chris
    October 7, 2008


    my bar tab:
    1 crown float $6.50

    then go to friends’ house and enjoy drinks for less than half the price at the bar.

  • Mark S. Bills
    October 7, 2008


    Many of the reasons I don’t drink!

  • Jake S
    October 7, 2008


    WOW,,,,where are U people from,,,everyone is saying the bartabs are cheap,,,,I’m from a small eastern town and Buds or Michelobs are only like $2,,,,an average shot is a buck fifty,,,some of those shot prices are totally rediculous,,,,I LOVE my drinking,but I’d never pay 4-5 dollars on a shot,even during concert night,,,,where the heck do these people live???,,,,

  • channara
    October 8, 2008


    man… this tabs are weak
    I maybe cus I’m an alcoholic social drinker
    My Tab:

    4 LIT $28.00
    5-10 shots of SOCO and Lime $5.00 each
    6 shots Patron $8.00 each
    2 Crown and Cokes $10.00
    1 screw driver $5.00

    Est. damage: $141.00
    for one
    (prices are for Oklahoma rates)

  • Rory
    October 8, 2008


    Now I can never remember how much I spend at the bar, but I’m usually broke the next day. My lists usually looks like this:

    8-10 Rye and gingers
    5-8 Supermans
    3 Bar limes
    5-7 lemon drops
    3-? Patron
    3-4 Random beers
    5-? other random shots (includes a couple jagerbombs)

    I usually wake up to death and the ugliest girl from Glasgow

  • Spud
    October 11, 2008


    At the end, what do you mean OTHER funny stuff.

  • funny t shirts
    October 12, 2008


    great stuff, I had to stumble it. I think my bar tab says that I am boring and broke.

  • jdi
    November 1, 2008


    why the hell would 2 club sodas cost $10? that’s a lot of money for club soda. usually they’ll just give you that for free, maybe $2.

  • kardozo
    May 29, 2009


    plant in house

  • lankanvin
    June 1, 2009


    red sea

  • Zooph
    July 22, 2009


    I know this is an old post but you’re getting Yuengling in England? Or are you a transplant? I live about 1.5 hours from the (oldest) brewery (in America) and it’s my absolute favourite beer.

  • Monica
    November 9, 2009


    The inclusion of wings on the broken hearted frat boy’s tab is funny.

    Wannabe musician needs more PBR and cheapest vodka drinks.

    And what say you about someone who only drinks patron? :)

  • Jake Collins
    November 11, 2009


    Funny stuff. You nailed each grouping to a tee.

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