While some prisoners read books and write letters, others are busy dreaming up great works of fiction and writing them down so they can be filed as lawsuits. They often request insane amounts of money for grievances like creamy peanut butter being substituted for crunchy and cold toilet seats – but also want ridiculous amounts of cash (or money orders) when they believe prison officials have implanted chips in their brains, brainwashed them with laser beams or used their bodies for experimentation.
Most Litigious Individual in the History of Mankind
Jonathan Lee Riches is the superstar of this list. Riches spends his days in a South Carolina prison filing frivolous lawsuits in U.S. District courts around the country. He’s sued Steve Jobs, Michael Vick, Britney Spears, Martha Stewart and George W. Bush, along with just about every other celebrity he’s ever heard of. He has also sued the Immigration and Naturalization Service, Grand Theft Auto publisher Take Two, Nostradamus, Jimmy Hoffa, Hank Aaron’s bat and Plymouth Rock. There are no limits to this guy’s imagination.
Riches’ complaints are handwritten, often demanding millions or billions of dollars in Swiss francs (by way of money order) and usually accuse the defendants of treason, fraud against mankind, terrorism, wiretapping, stalking, identity theft, moonshining or bad debt, among other things.
He requested a temporary restraining order against Take Two and Rockstar Games in April 2008, claiming that the defendants imprisoned him because playing Grand Theft Auto led him to commit identity theft. Riches’ complaint said the sex, drugs and violence of the game offends him and other inmates who have also played Grand Theft Auto were likely to knock him out and take his gold Jesus cross.
This year Riches sued the Guinness Book of World Records to stop them from giving him the title of “most litigious individual in the history of mankind.” With more than a thousand lawsuits under his belt so far, he’s earned this distinction.
You Want What?
A female prisoner in Maryland sued prison officials because she wanted an abortion. She wasn’t pregnant. People in hell want ice water too, honey. Some things just aren’t possible no matter who you sue.
Religious Freedoms and Zombies
A man who was convicted of federal firearms charges and postal fraud was also accused of the kidnapping and murder of a female postal employee. In a letter to the court, he wrote that his religious belief is that the dead can be raised. Since freedom of religion is his constitutional right, he requested that the body of the murdered postal employee be exhumed and brought to his church so that she could be brought back to life. Strangely enough, the court declined his request.
Mind and Body Probing
In Georgia, an inmate filed a lawsuit claiming the prison was conducting a behavior modification program and he was a victim. He wrote that he was under electronic surveillance and the system combs his body to pick up sounds and voices. If that weren’t cruel and unusual enough, he said that the system was also tuned in on his brain. He wanted $500k for his troubles.
All Law is Unconstitutional
An inmate in Washington filed 184 lawsuits over a period of three years. One of the lawsuits claimed all Washington State laws are unconstitutional, another requested damages because prison guards did not refer to him by his Islamic name. He also wanted to have Congress redraft the Declaration of Independence, be transferred to a women’s correctional facility and claimed his rights were violated by the U.S. Dept. of Treasury because they no longer back treasury notes with silver.
Pork Fat Poisoning
Sir Keenan Kester Cofield filed over a hundred lawsuits against prison officials in Alabama. In another one of his actions he sued McDonald’s and Burger King for using pork fat in the french fry oil. This pork fat, Cofield claimed, poisoned his mind, body and soul. He also sued other restaurants for food poisoning. One problem – Cofield was in jail during the time all of the supposedly poisoned meals were allegedly purchased at these restaurants.
Blue Ink and Glass in the Brain
Another Georgia inmate sued the state prison hospital administrator for improperly treating the blue ink and glass in his brain. He claimed the correct medication he should have been given was “Cocane of Porcane.” He also said the hospital put the blue ink and glass in the general sensory area of his brain and described in horrific detail the time prison officials put his head in a bag with a rattlesnake, which bit him and cracked his skull, and then forced him to have sex with the snake.
I Object to Violence on TV
A guy in a Florida prison who killed five people was so disturbed when an electrical storm knocked out the prison’s satellite dish, he filed a lawsuit. The complaint alleged that being forced to watch network programing, with all its violence and profanity was a violation of his rights.
Jailbird Sues Over Feathers
In Texas, an inmate at a county jail filed a lawsuit claiming that there were shitloads of feathers near his cell, which aggravated his asthma. A newspaper quoted the DA as saying “A jailbird should never be complaining about feathers” in reference to the lawsuit. The inmate grabbed his pen and paper and fired off another lawsuit, this time suing the newspaper because he claimed the guards teased him after reading the DA’s comment.
And One Wannabe Inmate Idiot
After being convicted of DUI six times, a guy deserves some jail time, right? This idiot agrees. Matthew P. Dukes was sentenced to 30 days in jail after his 6th DUI, but the jail was overcrowded and wouldn’t let him in. After trying to get into jail for 15 months, Dukes filed a lawsuit claiming his constitutional rights were being violated because he was not put in jail.