Chowing box, munching clam, eating carpet, grubbing on an axe wound (I just made that one up)…These lovely Euphemisms for cunnilingus make most of us (as men or awesome lesbians) extremely happy. Are there wrong times to go below the border for a pink tuna taco though? In short, yes. And since we’ve recently been classified as a “men’s lifestyle” site I feel it’s my duty to make educational posts from time to time.
Today we’re going to look at some dating situations where you should probably shy away from gobbling on your special lady’s sideways Sloppy Joe.
If for whatever reason you get talked into hitting a club with your date, go ahead and agree, but add a stipulation. Make sure you explain that foreplay will be on-hold in the near future. First of all, guys hate clubs. We were put on this earth to spread our seed, not dance. Secondly, these ladies are going to be grinding up against all sorts of different bodies. Now take that and combine it with room temp and brutal humidity. All of these factors put together gives you a salmon sandwich that’s been marinating in a sauna…pass.
Rollerskating has started to make a comeback. And unlike the Afro, bell bottoms, and disco music, rollerskating is quite enjoyable. Sadly, guys enjoy the part where we have a few drinks beforehand and slam into each other, while our lady friends…well, don’t. To top an already boring date off, your companion will have worked up a nice little sweat from skating in a retarded circle for an hour. Now even though her cut off shorts supply a nice stream of airflow to the affected area, you’re bound to have some funk.
Mini-Golfing in August
Miniature golf can be very exciting…wait, no it can’t. It’s one of those dates like bowling that you can default to for boring first dates. But unlike bowling, you won’t be in a room with AC. Let’s do some basic math to see if cunnilingus is an option. 90 degree August heat + walking + jumping around when she gets a hole in one = ???
Dinner at El Torito
Going to a Mexican restaurant on any date is a big mistake, let’s go over the obvious to get it out of the way. Your tacos were awesome, the wine was great, and now you’re back at her crib for what appears to be a night of intense lovemaking. You dip down for the eager beaver when…pooffffffffffffffffft. You don’t really hear much but the wind on your chin and smell of shit tell you that your desert is basically a shit sandwich. This could have been your motherfucking soul mate, but you chose to go eat Mexican food, and now you’ll never be able to look at her again without thinking of a big smelly shart.
Going to a dance lesson on a first date says a few things: For men it says; You’re compassionate, willing to learn, sensitive, and comfortable with your man card. For women it says; your box is going to be a smoldering compost in less than 30 minutes. However, if you look like the girl in the pic above it really doesn’t matter, we’ll power through that shit like a turbo diesel in the mud.
Conclusion: Ladies, don’t let him head downstairs face first after any physical dates. If he tries, warn him. If he starts to heave because he’s just been hit with the wonderful aroma of dogshit and gym, then be sure to throw out the “I told ya so” card.
Conclusion 2: If you look like the Salsa Dancing chick you can pretty much do whatever you want.