Regretful Morning

5 Dates That Shouldn’t End in Foreplay

Posted October 30th, 2009 at 10:00 am by

Chowing box, munching clam, eating carpet, grubbing on an axe wound (I just made that one up)…These lovely Euphemisms for cunnilingus make most of us (as men or awesome lesbians) extremely happy.  Are there wrong times to go below the border for a pink tuna taco though?  In short, yes.  And since we’ve recently been classified as a “men’s lifestyle” site I feel it’s my duty to make educational posts from time to time.

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Today we’re going to look at some dating situations where you should probably shy away from gobbling on your special lady’s sideways Sloppy Joe.

Going Clubbing

club girls

If for whatever reason you get talked into hitting a club with your date, go ahead and agree, but add a stipulation.  Make sure you explain that foreplay will be on-hold in the near future. First of all, guys hate clubs. We were put on this earth to spread our seed, not dance.  Secondly, these ladies are going to be grinding up against all sorts of different bodies.  Now take that and combine it with room temp and brutal humidity.  All of these factors put together gives you  a salmon sandwich that’s been marinating in a sauna…pass.

Rollerskate Land

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Rollerskating has started to make a comeback.   And unlike the Afro, bell bottoms, and disco music, rollerskating is quite enjoyable.  Sadly, guys enjoy the part where we have a few drinks beforehand and slam into each other, while our lady friends…well, don’t.  To top an already boring date off, your companion will have worked up a nice little sweat from skating in a retarded circle for an hour.  Now even though her cut off shorts supply a nice stream of airflow to the affected area, you’re bound to have some funk.

Mini-Golfing in August

feminine_mini_golf_hole

Miniature golf  can be very exciting…wait, no it can’t.  It’s one of those dates like bowling that you can default to for boring first dates.  But unlike bowling, you won’t be in a room with AC.  Let’s do some basic math to see if cunnilingus is an option.  90 degree August heat + walking + jumping around when she gets a hole in one = ???

Dinner at El Torito

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Going to a Mexican restaurant on any date is a big mistake, let’s go over the obvious to get it out of the way.  Your tacos were awesome, the wine was great, and now you’re back at her crib for what appears to be a night of intense lovemaking.  You dip down for the eager beaver when…pooffffffffffffffffft.  You don’t really hear much but the wind on your chin and smell of shit tell you that your desert is basically a shit sandwich.  This could have been your motherfucking soul mate, but you chose to go eat Mexican food, and now you’ll never be able to look at her again without thinking of a big smelly shart.

Salsa Dancing

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Going to a dance lesson on a first date says a few things:  For men it says; You’re compassionate, willing to learn, sensitive, and comfortable with your man card.  For women it says; your box is going to be a smoldering compost in less than 30 minutes.  However, if you look like the girl in the pic above it really doesn’t matter, we’ll power through that shit like a turbo diesel in the mud.

Conclusion: Ladies, don’t let him head downstairs face first after any physical dates.  If he tries, warn him.  If he starts to heave because he’s just been hit with the wonderful aroma of dogshit and gym, then be sure to throw out the “I told ya so” card.

Conclusion 2: If you look like the Salsa Dancing chick you can pretty much do whatever you want.

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16 Comments
  • Durr...
    October 30, 2009
    Reply


    #1

    Dude… fellatio is a blowjob. I think you mean cunnilingus.

  • Krista
    October 30, 2009
    Reply


    #3

    It doesn’t smell that fucking bad.

  • David
    October 30, 2009
    Reply


    #4

    Dude. The guy who wrote this article, you are a gentleman, a scholar, and my hero. This might be the best thing I’ve ever read in my life. I still have tears streaming down my face after reading this I laughed so hard. My stomach hurts.

    You’ve got to write more stuff like this. This is the best there is!!!!

  • Gone in 60
    October 31, 2009
    Reply


    #5

    buhahah yes it does krista you dirty bitch.

  • gurl
    October 31, 2009
    Reply


    #6

    and you think your junk smells great? I got news for you.

  • mondojohnson
    October 31, 2009
    Reply


    #7

    “grubbing on an axe wound…” brilliant.

    Truly evocative of the psychic horror I and my homo brothers experienced with our phony high school girlfriends…..

  • Melanie
    October 31, 2009
    Reply


    #8

    Does anyone else think it’s weird that men seem totally oblivious to the fact that their dicks have a strong taste/smell? One that’s not always pleasant (ball sweat, dude – seriously). I realize that this list is specifically about cunnilingus, but it continues to blow my mind that guys are always taken aback when you ask them to go to the bathroom and towel that shit off right quick.
    And ‘grubbing on an axe wound’ – not very sexy, but I’m definitely going to use it tonight at some point. Viva Hallow’en!

    • Terry Tate
      October 31, 2009
      Reply


      #9

      How bout I grub on your axe wound while you towel my nuts?

  • Melanie
    October 31, 2009
    Reply


    #10

    Also, mini-golf is for fags.

  • Petra
    November 1, 2009
    Reply


    #11

    see – this just goes to show that you are not creative enough. You can do all of these things and still get laid – happily – just jump in the shower together first. Everyone knows taking a shower together is incredibly sexy and fun – especially if you start out with some of your clothes still on so you get that wet t-shirt look going and then strip down, lather up and well…….

    “food” for thought…

    • Jarrod
      November 2, 2009
      Reply


      #12

      I just fapped

  • Boring and Stupid
    November 22, 2009
    Reply


    #13

    This really wasn’t very funny. Usually if you’re witty then you can make cringe-worthy topics really fucking funny (a la South Park) but you’re clearly a moron so this is a huge fail. For the record, only the fat dirty girls that date you have this much trouble with sweat and odor. If you could ever find a clean girl then she doesn’t smell after doing fairly light aerobic activity. In summation, please feel free to go fuck yourself the next time you think you can write a humorous article because I assure you, you can’t.

  • paul
    January 1, 2010
    Reply


    #14

    Take a fucking shower! Both of you – your balls probably smell worse than her snatch anyway. And you can fuck in the shower too…

  • Michelle
    March 10, 2010
    Reply


    #15

    Lol as if guys smelled that great. Women, at least clean women, will usually freshen up before getting down to it.

  • Christine
    March 22, 2010
    Reply


    #16

    Seriously. EVERY woman I know obsesses about the taste and smell of her parts. They all complain too, about spending an hour in the shower prepping for a steamy night, only to have the guy wrinkle his nose at the thought/request. I’ve only met a couple men even AWARE of the fact that they need to apply soap to their genitals. I really like giving head, but nothing is worse than going down on a guy and smelling a fucking brewery. Read that last bit as many times as you need, gentlemen, for it to sink in. Ball sweat smells like week-old beer in the sun. Wash your shit.

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