Regretful Morning

The 6 People Who Ruin A UFC PPV Party

Posted September 3rd, 2009 at 11:07 am by

Put two men in a steel cage and let them destroy each other.  In doing so, you’ll get one of the fastest growing sports in the world today.  What was once considered barbaric and savage is now setting trends faster then you can say “you got knocked the fuck out.”


Unfortunately when it comes to watching this sport via pay-per-view, you’ll need to prepare yourself for the douchebaggery of spectators that surround you.

The “I’ve been watching UFC since it started” Guy – When watching a UFC pay-per-view you’re bound to run into at least one of these fellows.  They’ll remind you more than once how they’ve been watching cage matches long before they became trendy.  What they don’t know is that the UFC started in 1993.


So next time the average 25 year old, Affliction shirt wearing guy, tells everyone that they’ve “been there from the beginning” – you should definitely fire back with “Really, you’ve been watching this since you were 9?”  Of course they’ll say something like “Yea dude my dad would let me watch them”, but we all know that’s bullshit.

Self Proclaimed Jujitsu Expert – This person has taken two self defense classes but if you ask him, he’s basically a Jujitsu black belt.


You might hear him say stuff like “Oh my instructor did that to me!  That shit hurts!”  We get it, you’re the modern version of Bruce Lee, only with a gut.  Now STFU and watch the TV please.

Girl Who Asks Retarded Questions – When I was growing up, my brother and I made a rule.  ‘No girls allowed in the TV room on Sundays.”  Sexist?  Hardly.  We just knew that unless we wanted to explain the simple rules of football, every single weekend, we’d be plagued with question after brainless question, making our viewing experience a complete disaster.


The clueless UFC girl will usually cheer for the “cuter” of the two fighters and will rapidly lose interest if her selected fighter receives a beat down.

Play By Play Commentator – If Joe Rogan was 10x more annoying and 100x less famous, he’d be this guy.  The play by play commentator doesn’t care if you know the rules.


He’s going to give you a break down of every single executed move regardless of how many people tell him to shut his pie hole.

Emotional Super Fan – The result of this guy’s favorite fighter will dictate the outcome of the rest of his night.  In Scenario A) He’ll be jumping around hugging people, giving fist bumps, pouring shots, and explaining how awesome the previous fight was (even though you were right there).  In Scenario B) He will be forced to sulk for the rest of the night, slowly drowning away the pain of defeat with alcohol.


You’ll see one or two random outbursts from him about how “UFC has bullshit rules” but for the most part he’ll become a ghost.

Guy Who Wants To Fight – At many social gatherings men tend to heckle each other.  This is all in good fun of course, but requires a certain level of intelligence for snappy come backs and witty retorts.  Unfortunately there’s always one guy who is all beef and no brain (and he takes terms like “douche nozzle” far too serious).


At the end of the night it’s quite possible to see him without a shirt spouting out lines like “let’s throw down then bitch.”  It’s almost like how you watched Robocop as a kid, and then went around shooting stuff using your finger as a gun.  It’s best to leave this person out of any playful verbal battles.

Conclusion: Now that you know who to avoid, you can take action by sitting somewhere else at the next Pay-Per-View party you attend.  Just remember, if all else fails justintv will probably be streaming the fight.

Around The Web

  • Don Pepe
    September 4, 2009


    I am 25. I don’t really follow UFC, but watched the first few fights when they started out. The 25-year-old example is pretty shitty. Get a new one.

    • Alyssa Myers
      October 3, 2009


      You seem a little defensive. What’s wrong? LOL

  • Tbird
    September 4, 2009


    This was well written, I’ve been exposed to every kind of fight fan that’s on this list. Actually my buddies that watch fights with me consist of all these, I’m probably the emotional super fan though. I will say this though I have been watching since i was 9!

  • Deez nuts
    September 4, 2009


    i really did watch ufc when i was like 9 or 10, then i grew the fuck up and realized that shit is gay

  • devilforhire
    September 4, 2009


    “Using your gun as a finger” Awesome!!!!!

  • Doug
    September 4, 2009


    @Deez nuts

    Yeah, it really sounds like what you did was “grew the fuck up” when you use the English language like that, your so aged and wise.

  • A Super-Homo-Gay-Ass-Pirate
    September 5, 2009


    A good 7th would be the gay neighbor (me) who get’s kinda randy watching all those hot, half naked men beat on each other that you thought was straight.


  • SniperKing
    September 5, 2009


    This article was written by someone who needs to not be so sensitive. If you want to watch the fights in silence then stfu and be a wallflower who stays at home. Don’t hate on others who show passion for MMA. I get hyped when a fighter that I follow wins his match. I also get very bummed when they lose. As for your blanket statement, regarding those who’d been watching UFC since they were 9, it would be wise for you do yourself a favor and lose your inferior complex, which causes you to call out everyone who makes such statements. It’s not up to you to check everyone’s facts and/or sources. I was 14 when I started watching events. Does that make me cool with your standards?

    Just learn to be a good host and lay down a few ground rules prior to the event. BTW, justintv drops streams. Quit f’n over the system! Buy the PPV or don;t watch it.

    There should be an amendment to this article. Don’t hang with douchbags that steal from ZUFFA. Pay to play…pay to play.

    This article=FAIL!

  • Don Pepe
    September 6, 2009


    Don Pepe your comment shows how clueless you are and how on point this article really is.


  • Robert
    September 7, 2009


    The people who think its gay must be crazy. The last thing you think about in combat with someone, is if it appears gay? If you understood fighting , it would be the furthest thing from your mind while spectating UFC.

    btw , hilarious write up, I laughed all the way through it.

  • Nate
    September 9, 2009


    LMAO! I’ve been noticing the same crap. I’m going to link back to you from my blog. I love this!

    September 9, 2009


    Ever notice that the emotional superfans are usually fat lazy fucks?! Haha.

    September 13, 2009


    way cool

  • ObetezeltOrer
    January 20, 2010


    What a concept! Beautiful.. Amazing … I am impressed!

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