Put two men in a steel cage and let them destroy each other.  In doing so, you’ll get one of the fastest growing sports in the world today.  What was once considered barbaric and savage is now setting trends faster then you can say “you got knocked the fuck out.”


Unfortunately when it comes to watching this sport via pay-per-view, you’ll need to prepare yourself for the douchebaggery of spectators that surround you.

The “I’ve been watching UFC since it started” Guy – When watching a UFC pay-per-view you’re bound to run into at least one of these fellows.  They’ll remind you more than once how they’ve been watching cage matches long before they became trendy.  What they don’t know is that the UFC started in 1993.


So next time the average 25 year old, Affliction shirt wearing guy, tells everyone that they’ve “been there from the beginning” – you should definitely fire back with “Really, you’ve been watching this since you were 9?”  Of course they’ll say something like “Yea dude my dad would let me watch them”, but we all know that’s bullshit.

Self Proclaimed Jujitsu Expert – This person has taken two self defense classes but if you ask him, he’s basically a Jujitsu black belt.


You might hear him say stuff like “Oh my instructor did that to me!  That shit hurts!”  We get it, you’re the modern version of Bruce Lee, only with a gut.  Now STFU and watch the TV please.

Girl Who Asks Retarded Questions – When I was growing up, my brother and I made a rule.  ‘No girls allowed in the TV room on Sundays.”  Sexist?  Hardly.  We just knew that unless we wanted to explain the simple rules of football, every single weekend, we’d be plagued with question after brainless question, making our viewing experience a complete disaster.


The clueless UFC girl will usually cheer for the “cuter” of the two fighters and will rapidly lose interest if her selected fighter receives a beat down.

Play By Play Commentator – If Joe Rogan was 10x more annoying and 100x less famous, he’d be this guy.  The play by play commentator doesn’t care if you know the rules.


He’s going to give you a break down of every single executed move regardless of how many people tell him to shut his pie hole.

Emotional Super Fan – The result of this guy’s favorite fighter will dictate the outcome of the rest of his night.  In Scenario A) He’ll be jumping around hugging people, giving fist bumps, pouring shots, and explaining how awesome the previous fight was (even though you were right there).  In Scenario B) He will be forced to sulk for the rest of the night, slowly drowning away the pain of defeat with alcohol.


You’ll see one or two random outbursts from him about how “UFC has bullshit rules” but for the most part he’ll become a ghost.

Guy Who Wants To Fight – At many social gatherings men tend to heckle each other.  This is all in good fun of course, but requires a certain level of intelligence for snappy come backs and witty retorts.  Unfortunately there’s always one guy who is all beef and no brain (and he takes terms like “douche nozzle” far too serious).


At the end of the night it’s quite possible to see him without a shirt spouting out lines like “let’s throw down then bitch.”  It’s almost like how you watched Robocop as a kid, and then went around shooting stuff using your finger as a gun.  It’s best to leave this person out of any playful verbal battles.

Conclusion: Now that you know who to avoid, you can take action by sitting somewhere else at the next Pay-Per-View party you attend.  Just remember, if all else fails justintv will probably be streaming the fight.