Growing up, watching movies, you’ve seen people having fun and doing awesome things, like having a bonfire on the beach, lighting off fire works, and smoking a doobie all at the same time. You’ve always wanted to do it yourself because of how much fun you know it is. But, like anything awesome, they were all made illegal. We’ve compiled a list of the top 8 awesome activities that used to be legal, but aren’t anymore.
Alcohol At The Beach
There once was a time when it was not only socially acceptable, but almost encouraged to bring your favorite boozahol to the beach. Whether it’s a 6-pack of Corona, a cooler of Budweiser, or the makings for Whiskey Sours, followed by actual sex on the beach, it was a great summer pastime. Not only could you drink on the beach without having to worry about fleeing from beach cops on dune buggies while drunk as a skunk, you could straight up party, and they would join in. The good old days of bonfires on the beach and drinking into the night with friends are now gone. The majority of public beaches along the California coast (primarily Los Angeles) and the northern East coast (Delaware’s Rehoboth, Dewey, and Bethany beaches) now ban alcohol in any size shape or form, as well as bonfires of the epic Grease caliber. They are now both met with fines and possible jail time.
Guns In Public
If you’ve ever fired a gun, you know the exhilarating feeling it brings, the power you hold in your hand, the presumed authority with which you can now kick ass. For the longest time, the second amendment, protecting our right to keep and bear arms, allowed us to freely walk with them in public. Yes, there may have been the Wild West and, while that’s a great example, it’s not the one we’re going for here. No, we’re talking about more recent day farming towns, small towns, the Midwest. You could carry your .44 Magnum revolver on your hip, your double barrel Remington on a rack in your truck, and you’d be greeted openly. With the crackdown on firearms and the infringement of the rights of the people, unless you hold three different kinds of licenses, carrying a gun on your person in view of the public will net you jail time. An interesting trend to note is the increase in gun crimes, and its inverse proportionality to the right to carry them in public. If everyone carried a gun, there would simply be less gun crime, since anyone who tried acting up would have 6 different calibers of ammunition pumped into them before they could harm anyone.
What is the oldest profession in the world? Well, it probably would have been more effective if I asked that before the title, but yeah, it’s prostitution. From the days of the ancient Romans, Greeks, Chinese, and Mongols, dating even earlier, women have had a stranglehold on the industry. And frankly, they’ve made quite a pretty penny, the ones who do it right. It’s perfectly legal almost across the globe, though regulated in some places. The UK, for instance, requires monthly disease screenings, registration, and taxes. Sounds great to us! We wouldn’t want to end up getting the clap from someone we paid. Let alone an ex-girlfriend. But we digress. (Just kidding folks, no clap here). In the United States, the only places you can go for said erotic services are Nevada and Rhode Island. In all other 48 states, it’s illegal, and there are even sting operations going after us- err- them. Frankly, as long as it’s regulated and clean, there’s nothing wrong with bouncing some booty here and there. Besides, think of the pimps!
Only in America would the proliferation of fireworks designed to celebrate America be banned. As far as most of the states in the U.S. are concerned, all you are allowed to have to celebrate the founding of this great nation are sparklers, and a couple mortars that go whiz-bang-pop. Nothing else. Why? Because stupid kids do stupid things with them, get hurt, and their stupid parents sue the asses off of everybody in the phonebook for it. They used to be legal, glorious spectacles of independence, of celebration. Nowdays, if you want anything more impressive than lighting a box of roll caps on fire, you’ll need several different licenses, insurances, and a company that says you’re allowed to. It really takes all the fun out of the 4th of July. Now we’re not saying you can’t get them, can’t launch them, and can’t still enjoy them, because we sure as hell do. It’s just kind of illegal. The Regretful Morning legal department says we should probably say we’re kidding, we never do anything illegal, yadda yadda yadda. Please don’t sue us.
If you’ve ever watch any of the Fast and Furious movie series, or any racing movie for that matter, you know just how awesome, fun, and exhilarating speeding is; the wind in your hair, the adrenaline, the roar of the engine. And if you’re anything like about 70% of Americans, you’ve gotten a ticket for it. It used to be that there were places in the Midwest, places like Montana, South Dakota, Iowa, etc. that had vast stretches of road without speed limits. Why? Because the many of the roads were straight, without bends, curves, or turns, for as many as 50 miles straight. How the hell could you expect to regulate speeds there, it would be downright cruel! Well, they didn’t. Until one hotshot lawyer raced through going over 115mph when he was pulled over for driving dangerously, and ticketed for speeding. He successfully fought the ticket, because there were no posted speed limits, and ruined the roads for anyone else who wants to drive through doing 90 without getting pulled over.
Smoking at the Bar
Don’t let the surgeon general or any of those anti-smoking campaigns fool you: smoking makes you look cool. (No it does not. Don’t smoke – RM Legal Department) Totally badass. In fact, you should have a smoke now. Up until about 5 years ago, you could go out to your favorite honky-tonk, bar, or pub and light one, two, or a hundred cigarettes or cigars up while you were pounding your beer or sipping your scotch. Not anymore. Thanks to U.S. lawmakers, you could get fined. So now all of us smokers have to leave our drinks unattended and stand outside the front doors, even in the dead of winter, so satisfy our cravings for awesome, officially moving the cool people hangout in every bar to 3 feet in front of the front door.
Far less cool than actual swashbuckling, Internet piracy is as much a part of modern culture as McDonalds. Well, we are using the term ‘culture’ relatively loosely here. Either way, when Al Gore invented the internet in 1958 (followed promptly by the advent of Cracked.com), there wasn’t much internet to be had. Years later, in the 90s, the internet expanded rapidly, exponentially even. Music on CD became more widespread, and people began putting music on their computers. Learning they could use the internet to add to their music collection, thousands of internetters across the land began sharing and downloading music. Then, a couple of fuckwads, excuse me, the RIAA decided they could profit from this new fangled Internet thing, and all the cyber hippie music sharing that was going on. So they had it illegalized. Then, like all cool pirates, it got more popular because of it’s illegality. So, thank you RIAA for 90% of the content of my hard drive. You made it possible.
Speaking of smoking, here’s one for you; pot. Mary Jane. Grass. Ganja. Whatever you may call it, it’s the relaxing pseudo-depressant cannabis plant that was once legal. A long time ago. Then, it was banned. Not many people are sure why, as it poses fewer health risks than smoking or drinking. Many rumors abound as the reasoning behind it’s illegality, including our favorite: it was made illegal because Mexicans and other immigrants always had some when they came with them, and the government banned it to use it as an excuse to keep them out. Whatever the reason, it is illegal. It used to be fine and dandy. In fact, the current administration is pushing to have it legalized in the U.S, and in Canada, depending where you are of course, if rarely enforced and even accepted. Oh well. We really don’t care. We’re off to roll another fatty. No, they’re not – RM Legal Department
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