Regretful Morning

My Girlfriend Just Queefed, What Now?

Posted August 24th, 2009 at 4:46 pm by

You and your special lady have just had a lovely evening at The Olive Garden.  While wrapping up, your buzzed beauty explains that she wants to F your brains out.  Thumbs up slugger (slip the waiter a little extra for mixing her drinks strong). 

15 minutes later…

sex.largerAs you power through foreplay and slide into the main event, you both realize that the condom is starting to feel dry, and well, shitty.  Since your girlfriend is buzzed she’s acting more awesome than usual, and eventually she hits you with a very beautiful sentence.  “You don’t have to use that, just pull out.”  After hearing those magical words, you quickly attempt to remove that latex demon, when it happens.

Your girlfriend rips a queef in your direction loud enough to stop traffic.  So what do you do?  Acknowledging what has just happened might leave her feeling self conscious and unwilling to continue.  We’d like to offer a few pointers, so that when the time comes, you can be prepared.

Tip 1) Pretend Like It Never Happened – If you’re going to follow this train of thought then you need to make sure that you didn’t even flinch when those tuna spiders came a’barking.


Even  a look in the direction of the noise will show her that you noticed.  Keep your poker face straight young jedi.

Tip 2) Don’t ask if she’s OK – A natural human instinct when something out of the ordinary happens, is to ask “are you ok.”


And really, who are you kidding?  She just blew warm vagina air all over your face and you’re going to ask if She’s ok?  Don’t.  It’ll make you look like a tool, while making her feel like a retard.

Tip 3) Don’t try to give her a hi-5 – Although a Hi-5 represents everything that is awesome, they shouldn’t be used in a situation like this.  Unlike men, women don’t enjoy making awkward noises with the private areas of their bodies.


Conclusion: The less attention you can give an incident like this, the better.  We know this shit is funny but unless you don’t care about finishing, you had better hold in those giggles until you get some alone time.

Around The Web

  • Scrappy doo
    August 26, 2009


    I love the smell of queefs.

  • Spewf
    August 26, 2009


    When this happened she started laughing and told me to stop. Then we got back to it after the laughter was gone.


    • peeetey
      August 26, 2009


      She did that with me too!

  • the dude
    August 27, 2009


    Dude, you’re not the only one.

  • beermonkey
    August 27, 2009


    This article is bogus. Women laugh just as hard as men about queefs. I say just LOL with them, Hi-5 them and carry on humpin’.

  • Lil Lil Herc Herc
    August 28, 2009


    I’maa gonna make a tune melt manana.

  • Larz Blackman
    August 28, 2009


    Gotta laugh. If she can’t laugh, then she’s probably not much fun.

  • .45
    August 31, 2009


    This is a perfect set-up to a regretful story, on it’s way.

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