Now that summer is drawing to an end, a lot of our youth are coming home with a sigh of relief and a lot of parental resentment.  You see, most summer camps suck ass.  We know this, you know this, parents know this, but kids are oblivious.  Toward the end of spring, their parents usually start hyping them up to be the greatest thing since sliced bread.  For example: Parents sending their child to “fat camp” will make it sound like “camp awesome with kids who like M&M’s just as much as you.”


Our heart goes out to these bunk bed warriors.  Thus, we’ve come up with a few summer camps of our own that might actually appeal to our youngsters.

Camp Brew Master– The art and understanding of home brewed beer.  Children of all ages learn how to brew a keg of beer from scratch.


Camp Goal: To help your child develop the necessary skills to be a popular and loved distributor of alcohol during early adolescents.

Camp Camel Toe – Tired of your son making loud and awkward comments every time he sees a female with her pants stuffed into their vag crack?  Don’t hate, embrace.


Camp Goal: To expose your child to a different set of ninja slippers every day.  This will allow them to become desensitized (and you won’t have to worry about them jizzing in their shorts in the middle of a supermarket every time a milf walks by wearing spandex).

Camp Cannabis – Let your offspring flourish with a wealth of marijuana knowledge and consumption.


Camp Goal: To educate and enlighten youngsters on marijuana growth.  Your child should be able to grow and harvest his own plant at the end of his stay.

Camp Dead Beat – Upset that your kid just sits on his skateboard all day in front of the grocery while spitting right where people walk?  Don’t be!  Our camp is loaded with other teenagers who only want to “chill” all day long.


Camp Goal: To let everyone sit around and not do shit while pretending to look cool.

Camp I’m Fat Leave Me Alone – Let your lovely tub of shit eat his happy meal in peace.  At our camp, your chubby child can grow into obesity with others who are just as lazy as he is.


Camp Goal: To let your child excel at what he loves to do most.  Enable children to eat as much as they want while doing virtually nothing.

Camp LAN Party – Instead of telling your kids to get out of the basement and in to the sunlight, we’d like to suggest a trip to our camp.  We basically host a 24/7 LAN party for 6 weeks where your child plays video games until their retinas feel like two sunburned buttholes.


Camp Goal: Enabling children to play video games all day, everyday, while encouraging them to win at least one FPS tournament.  Viewing porn while in the LAN area is acceptable.

Camp Finger Bang – A camp dedicated to the art of finger banging someone of the opposite sex.  Some exercises include:

  • If your pinky is stinky don’t make a face
  • Fingernail and hygiene etiquette
  • Two in the pink one in the stink


Camp Goal: To educate young adults on the inner workings of the female anatomy (while making one or two squirt).

Conclusion: Summer camp is horrible.  Let’s see what we can do in the future to make it more enjoyable.