You can’t sit through television in the early ass crack of morning without seeing infomercials for the craziest things like combination lice shampoo/hair dye. Well, after watching several for exercise ‘equipment’ you absolutely MUST HAVE, we realized you don’t have to have it at all.

Flex Belt – In what is probably the single greatest example of what is wrong with America, the Flex Belt offers you the distinct ability to get all the benefits of exercise without actually exercising. Their claim is you put this belt on under your shirt either at work, at home, while driving etc. and the thing electrocutes you. They claim it sends electronic impulses into your abdomen and shocks the hell out of your abs. A workout without any of the calorie burning, without any of the feeling good afterward, a ‘workout’ you hide out of shame. It’s not a workout. It’s shame, in belt form, destroying America.

Exercise Ball – If you have ever seen a workout video, they show you a bunch of exercises you can do right off the side or corner of your bed, assuming it has a mattress. For those of you who live in grass huts and have no beds nor Internet, please skip this entry. Anyway, you can do sit ups, lean back, leg wigglers, and a host of other stuff off the side of your bed. Well some capitalist looked at that and said ‘What if I mad a device just for these exercises.’ And he made a ball. A rubber ball. A $50 rubber fucking ball. God bless capitalism.

Aerobic Step – This ‘genius’ device is one of the most simple items we’ve found. Pretty much what you do here is step on it. That’s it. It’s a little higher than the ground so you get some sort of benefit. You know what else you could step on? A book maybe, like that old bible you’re not using. Or a piece of plywood on a couple 2×4’s. Approximate cost? $4. The great deal on this aerobic step thingy? $99. But it’s ok, because if you’re stupid enough to buy this step, you deserve to lose a lot more than a hundred bucks.

Yoga Mat – You know those crazy-kinky super flexible girls who do yoga? Yeah, me neither. Well apparently there are a few out there using these yoga mats. You know, the thing you do your yoga exercises on, that pretty much comes in contact with your hands, feet, and knees? Forget that simple blanket on a floor business, no sir! That’s not good enough! What you need is a $110 memory foam mat that rolls up, so the only memory it will have is that rolled up shape it’s been in since you left it in the closet last summer.

Pedometer – So when you get done with a run, you get back all hot and sweaty, shower off, and head to the bar to brag about your run, you get a question. “Hey, how far did you run?” You luckily had this $38 pedometer to tell you “A good 4,678 steps!” Congratulations, you were just either kicked out of the group or cemented as the group douchebag. If you’re going to go and run somewhere, you can generally just about measure how far you went with the odometer of your car. They want to know miles chief, not steps.