When you see a sexy black thong hanging up as you pass the mall’s Victoria Secret you think to yourself “damn, that would look hot on… <insert super model body>.” Now take that same thong and double it’s size, then take a mental snap shot. See what happened there? Your semi-wood just went in to your abdomen. So why exactly do clothing manufacturers insist on cranking these out? If it were up to us, we’d like to ban the following plus-sized articles of clothing:
Thongs – A size 14 whale tail is basically an assault of the retina. Who is to blame here? Sure, the parents. They probably should’ve told their damn kids to go get some exercise every once in a while. Who else is to blame? The manufacturers of women’s apparel. If they had not made thong underwear in size XXL, there would be no XXL women wearing thong underwear, it’s that simple. It shouldn’t be a right, it should be a privilege. Wanna wear a thong? Sweet, hit the tread mill.
Tight Jeans - Tight jeans and pants are absolutely sexy. Especially nice, tight white pants on a bronzed bombshell. However, when you start making triple extra large ‘form-fitting’ jeans, something purely evil happens. We’re not saying big girls can’t wear jeans, no, we’d love for them too. In fact, it’d stop them from wearing other things, like…
Spandex – Spandex contours to every nook and cranny of one’s body. In short, you’ll be susceptible to an eye fuck of folds and camel toes. To be clear, we don’t have anything against the camel toe. It’s the camel toe that you could park a bus in that has us crying foul.
Tube Tops – A sexy way to show off that belly button ring is via tube top. Sadly, it’s also an easy way for that spare tire to pop out and say “peek-a-boo I just ruined your day!” We’d like to suggest that if you’re sporting more than a 1 inch muffin top on each side, you should probably go ahead and keep that midsection covered. Forever 21 clothing designers, we’re speaking to you.
Bikinis – Remember in Return of the Jedi where princess Leia had a hot bikini on and Jabba tried to use her as a sex slave? Pause that scene, crop out Leia’s head, and paste it onto Jabba’s body. If your corneas just took a shit, then you’ll agree with us on this one. You shouldn’t have to guzzle a six pack in order to hit the beach without dry heaving.
Conclusion: Let’s be clear here, this is not a jab at fat chicks. In fact, this was John’s idea. Personally, I love chubby girls (find me on twitter). We’d simply like to suggest that clothing manufacturers stay under a size 10 when creating their more revealing articles of clothing.
We realize that this post probably psychologically buttfucked a lot of you, so we’ll leave this here for recovery purposes.