Picture this: You’re in the middle of some of the best sex you’ve had all month. While in pile driver mode, you decide to switch positions. As you gently grab your girlfriend by the mid section to flip her over, it happens. Your gut wrench lead to a massive barking spider. This wasn’t just any old “girl toot” either. This was a serious gym class sized ass trumpet, and it was loaded with bass.
How To Break Up With Your Girlfriend Because She Farted During Sex
Let’s get the obvious out of the way. You won’t be able to look at her the same again. Breaking it off is the only logical step. However, you don’t want to look shallow (she’s got hot friends that you may want to pursue). You need to be calm, supportive, and subtle, using honesty only as a last resort.
Tell Her She Can Do Better
Explain that you don’t think you deserve her as a girlfriend. Inform her that you will still take her out to dinner and stuff (which will never happen). Tell her to call you.
Risk Factor: Confusion and tears. Probably a lot of text messages and emails via Facebook.
Make Her Dump You
“How do you feel about mixing it up a little sweetie? You can get with my buddy Mark and I’ll hook up with your friend Kristi.” Hit her with something like that and start packing your shit. Worst case scenario? She wants to try your suggestion.
Risk Factor: Break up could become drawn out if she agrees to your suggestion.
Completely smother her with affection. Tell her you love her and you want to marry her. Call her and text her 24/7. If she takes a dump, offer to wipe her ass. Eventually she’ll get bored and after a few days she will definitely bolt.
Risk Factor: She might tell her friends that you’re a total stalker/wet blanket.
Last Ditch: Brutal Honesty
“Honey, last night when I was tappin that ass silly, you farted so loud that my dog ran out of the room. I love you and everything but I can’t ever look at you the same again. No Need to yell, I’ll just grab my iPod and leave.”
Risk Factor: Slashed tires, broken windshield, a flutter of slaps to the face, and the possibility of spawning a psycho ex girlfriend.
Reward Factor: A legendary break up story.