Regretful Morning

5 Movies That Ironically Failed To Make Their Point

Posted July 16th, 2009 at 12:06 pm by

Hollywood and the average Joe have developed an unspoken rule in the entertainment industry.  That rule states “We’ll give you a happy ending and some cool shit to look at, as long as you don’t use logic when trying to analyze our plot.”

V for Vendetta – In the future (Britain), a totalitarian regime has come to power. They have done so by kidnapping and killing blacks, gays, Muslims, Jews, and communists, then releasing a deadly virus.

natalie_portman_18

Having successfully overthrown the government and coming to power, the Norse fire regime holds a tight grip on the society, in which official police are silently permitted to commit rape and other crimes. Essentially, a group of people didn’t like the government, so they killed and wreaked chaos until it changed to their will. V, a survivor of one of the test centers for the virus that was released, dons a Guy Fawkes mask, and sets to work freeing the people.

Ironically Ineffective Because:

Chuck Norris' Hero

His goal was to rid the country of a government that escalated to power through killing, chaos, and destruction. How does V accomplish this? With his accomplice Evey, he blows up government buildings (destruction), sends free Guy Fawkes masks to everybody in the country to wear (chaos), and has the leader of the regime killed. He then kills the next in command and his 12 machine-gun bearing soldiers using knives (death) after totally bad-assedly telling them exactly how he’d kill them.

If you have a second grade education and are not the former US President, you already see where we’re going. V ridded (not a word) the country of a government that had come to power through death and violence by killing and violencing (also not a word) the shit out of that government. It’s OK, we scratched our heads too.

The Life of David Gale – This movie, released in 2003 starring Kevin Spacey (Also known as that guy you thought was John Cusack), is a story about a plot to prove how bad the death penalty is. The plot is centered around named David Gale, played by John Cusack Kevin Spacey. David Gale is on death row, awaiting execution for a crime he did not commit, the rape and murder of Constance Harraway, his friend and fellow anti-death-penalty activist. Constance Harraway basically kills herself slowly and painfully (because she has cancer) by wrapping a plastic bag around her head and tying her own hands behind her back, then leaving evidence that John Cusack Kevin Spacey did it. The point she is trying to make is that the death penalty should never be used, because it is possible to execute innocent people. The video that proves his innocence is held by her friend under the condition that he release it to the press 5 minutes after David’s execution. What a bitch!

gale

Ironically Ineffective Because:

John Cusack Kevin Spacey was in on it from the beginning. If you watched the epilogue (in between popping aspirins and trying to keep up with the plot twists), the reporter John Cusack Kevin Spacey hired to prove his innocence receives an envelope from a stranger, most likely another anti-death-penalty activist. In the video, she sees that John Cusack Kevin Spacey approaches the already dead woman, with someone else in the room (The guy who was supposed to hold on to the tape), and deliberately leaves his thumb print on the plastic bag she was suffocated with. Yes, wrap your head around that one. This movie could be boiled down to a crispy, deep-fried murder-suicide used to protest the death penalty. If John Cusack Kevin Spacey was innocent, his thumb print would never have been on the bag, and he never would have been convicted. However, he wanted to die, as demonstrated in the epilogue. Unfortunately, the fact that he died in the first place defeated the cause he was dying for: that innocent people can be executed.

Crash – This movie is set in the city of Los Angeles, California, and stars racism. Well, racism and a few supporting actors, though the word ‘actor’ is a gross overstatement of Brendan Frasiers abilities.  The point of the movie is to show that racism is bad for everybody. The plot of the movie, as difficult as it is to follow, centers around a catalyst carjacking. Two black guys carjack two white people. Then cops shoot cops, whites shoot black, latin Americans complain a lot, and people realize their racist and/or bigot ways.

Ironically Ineffective Because

matt dillon

Despite being a movie designed and written to portray racism in a bad light, it’s obvious that the writers Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco really hate Asians. Throughout the entire movie, not a single Asian person is portrayed in a positive light. In fact, the closest they come to being portrayed in a positive light is when Anthony, the black carjacker, decides not to sell them to his pseudo-employer for $500 each, and instead releases them. Into Chinatown. How incredibly thoughtful and not racist at all. On behalf of the movie, he pays the all Asians (represented by the trafficked Asians) reparations – in the amount of $40.

The Butterfly Effect – ashton_kutcherThe movie, written and directed by Eric Bress and J. Mackye Gruber, may be a blockbuster movie, but it carried a heavy message with it. The message is, simply put, don’t fuck with the past. That’s it. Even the title refers to the theoretical effect a single action could have on the world at large.  Many, many times, Evan Treborn (played by a douchebag you love to hate) goes back in time by reading a book and squinting. Then, he tries to change his past, to make it nicer, because no one else has had a shitty past. During his feeble attempts, every damned thing he does makes it worse, from prison blowjobs, to appendages blown off, it gets progressively worse. You just don’t fuck with time travel.

Ironically ineffective because:

In order to fix everything he’s done, he travels farther back in time than he ever has, and prevents himself from being friends with the gorgeous Amy Smart (a bad move, we’d say).

amy-smart

That, in turn, solves his problems, and makes everything better for everyone involved. Yup, because time travel was such a bad idea and destroyed his life, he went back in time further, and fixed it.

Snow White And The 7 Dwarfs – The point of this time-old fairy tale is to not take candy from strangers. Or combs. Or laces. Yeah, it’s pretty much ‘Step moms are a bitch, and avoid strangers.’

snow-white-and-the-seven-dwarfs-1

mem2The creepy queen thrice disguised herself as an evil old wench and tried to kill Snow White by lacing her up tight, combing her hair with a poison comb (we don’t get that one either), and by giving her an apple to eat. Each and every time a stranger presents themselves to Snow White, she almost dies.

Ironically Ineffective Because:

Snow White was saved (by a stranger). Some prince stumbled upon the sleeping 14 yr old girl, decided she was hot, and ran off with her. At some point, the apple, which was stuck in her throat, became dislodged, likely by some prince-attached object. She woke up, saw this strange prince-like man she’d never met before, and decided to marry him. Fuckin’ kids…

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34 Comments
  • Nathan
    July 16, 2009
    Reply


    #1

    Ummm, you need to go watch Snow White again. She had met the prince at the very beginning of the story. He saw her at the well, fell in love with her and was searching for her. So when he found her and she recovered she knew who he was… Thanks to my 3 year old daughter for watching that movie too much.

    • Myke
      July 16, 2009
      Reply


      #2

      lol….try reading the ORIGINAL Snow White, which was originally a German fairy tale called Schneewittchen, and was adopted by Brothers Grimm. Comparing the Disney version to the original is like only having 2, 4, and 6 on your calculator. It’s just incomplete and pathetic…lol.

  • Jason
    July 16, 2009
    Reply


    #3

    People are twittering that this isn’t sfw. Which part? The Natalie Portman or the chick who’s nipples I covered up? I also covered up the erect penis that has been stuffed in her mouth. I really don’t see a problem here.

  • Justin
    July 16, 2009
    Reply


    #4

    I think you missed the point of V for Vendetta. He wasn’t the quintessential hero – there was supposed to be hypocracy there; however, that power moved from the hands of the dictator-all poweful leaders back to the people – democracy restored.

    • ?????? ????????
      December 24, 2009
      Reply


      #5

      ??????-??, ?????? ?? ????, ??? ?? ?????? ?? ?????? ???… ?? ?? ?????,?? ????? :)

  • Carl_w
    July 16, 2009
    Reply


    #6

    You completely missed the point of V for Vendetta, which undermines all credibility you may have had in writing this article. Pretty awful.

  • dude
    July 16, 2009
    Reply


    #7

    Nathan… snow white was a story before it was a disney movie. Sigh.

  • dude
    July 16, 2009
    Reply


    #8

    though I the article title does say movies. Never mind I guess.

  • Not an Idiot
    July 16, 2009
    Reply


    #9

    Question: since when did John Cusack and Kevin Spacey get confused for each other? What idiot would make that confusion?

  • Gadfly22
    July 16, 2009
    Reply


    #10

    Sorry , but you SO totally missed the point about “V for Vendetta” that it was hard to take your other points seriously. V wasn’t taking a stand against killing, chaos and destruction; he was taking a stand against a totalitarian government that sought to control its citizens in 1984-like fashion. V himself stood for anarchy — a point the movie finessed — though he had little confidence that his countrymen could make a success of it. And a little killing, chaos and destruction to bring about anarchy is completely consistent (though V recognized that anarchy means “without leaders” not “without order”.

  • Jax
    July 16, 2009
    Reply


    #11

    Why wouldn’t Bill Clinton understand why V for Vendetta is ironic?

    • Myke
      July 16, 2009
      Reply


      #12

      lol this was written July 16, 2009….TODAY….last time i checked our previous president was Bush Jr, not Clinton….lol

  • Another Justin
    July 16, 2009
    Reply


    #13

    This is one of the worst lists I have ever seen. Did you write this while getting water-boarded?

  • scotus in the potus
    July 16, 2009
    Reply


    #14

    Don’t forget Monster’s Ball. The lesson there was supposed to be that racism is bad. Instead, the lesson learned is that really beautiful women are still beautiful even if they’re black, a lesson that most of the slave owners in the south already knew.

  • s
    July 16, 2009
    Reply


    #15

    who the hell confuses john cusack with kevin spacey?

  • Jakanapes
    July 16, 2009
    Reply


    #16

    Missed the point of the David Gale movie. It was suicide/suicide to prove the point that the death penalty is irreversible. There’s no second chance.

  • duderino
    July 16, 2009
    Reply


    #17

    ok u show these pics to ur female boss and see if she appreciates it or not.

    • Jason
      July 16, 2009
      Reply


      #18

      You have a female boss? Sorry.

  • duderino
    July 16, 2009
    Reply


    #19

    This article was pure shit.

    It should be retitled “5 Movies That I failed to understand their point.”

  • Yousuck
    July 16, 2009
    Reply


    #20

    This is a joke. I can’t believe that you would even put Kevin Spacey (an A – list actor who’s done great movies such as GlenGary GlenRoss, The Usual Suspects, and American Beauty) and John Cusack (a B/C actor who’s been in Grosse Point Blank, Serendipity, and High Fidelity) in the same sentence, let alone confuse them… Ever notice that John Cusack is 6 foot + goon and Kevin Spacey might be 5′ 8″..? People made great points about V for Vendetta, but no one talked about Crash. Even though I didn’t love the movie as much as most people, it still brought up important social commentaries about police profiling, affirmative action, and some of the personal reasons people come to believe in racism. You should realize that the reason you’re scratching your head over V for Vendetta is because it went right over your head and not because it sucked and didn’t make sense. You suck.

  • A Thid Justin
    July 16, 2009
    Reply


    #21

    Ditto most sentiments. Your strongest movie irony is The Life of David Gale. Never understood the anti-death penalty stance of that one. Since when does an assisted suicide plot meant to allude to a murderer equal real evidence bearing an innocent witness out? What reference are you using to suggest that most people don’t know the difference between John Cusack and Kevin Spacey?

    • A Thid Justin
      July 16, 2009
      Reply


      #22

      I mean: Ditto most sentiments in the comments made about the article, not the article itself. I am not even sure that irony and ineffectiveness should be used together to describe these movies. Can’t irony be effective?

  • Lazlo Toth
    July 16, 2009
    Reply


    #23

    Stopped reading after V for Vendetta, because your argument is completely lame. Violence that frees people and allows them to pursue their own happiness is totally morally equivalent to violence that forces people to spend their lives slaving away for the people in power? Wow, that’s the result of a second-grade education, all right.

    V never claimed he was a pacifist, or claimed that anybody else should be, dimbulb. And that wasn’t the message of the film. The message of the film was about self-determination and freedom. (We won’t even get into the fact that V’s use of violence and murder to achieve this worthwhile goal was INTENDED to be a moral grey area and feel uncomfortable both to the audience and the people in the film.) So the film ironically failed to make a point that it was never trying to make in the first place. BRILLIANT!

  • mehmeh
    July 16, 2009
    Reply


    #24

    V in vendetta did what he did for revenge. hence the count of monte cristo references all over the place.

  • Harsha
    July 19, 2009
    Reply


    #25

    *sigh*
    Dude, please do everyone a favor, stop watching movies that go over your head and stop writing supposedly funny articles about topics you have no idea of.
    You started off in the lamest way possible. My 9 yr old understood the movie better than you did, even the whole Monte Cristo parts.

  • Luzi
    July 19, 2009
    Reply


    #26

    You didn’t understand most of the films you referenced in your article.

    Rename this to “5 movies that ironically the poster probably failed to comprehend” and your embarrassment will end.

    Sadly, the foolishness lasts forever.

  • Lingonius
    July 20, 2009
    Reply


    #27

    I’d like to point out that in the alternate ending for Butterfly Effect, he goes back to when he was in the womb and strangles himself with his umbilical cord.

    … Lol.

  • Franck_P
    July 20, 2009
    Reply


    #28

    Hi John Scrovak, I liked your article because it was funny and that was what I was looking for on this website.
    If I had wanted a serious analysis I would have gone to imdb instead.
    Also my life is so boring that I thought my opinion was important enough to be shared with all the guys who made it down that page, that is, people who have already read your article.
    Have a good day John Scrovak.
    Have a good day too, angry mob, and thank you for telling me that you didn’t like this article.

    • JohnJ
      July 22, 2009
      Reply


      #29

      Franck_P

      That was worth scrolling all the way down for. Thanks!

      And it was a funny column. I commented before reading all those stupid complaints.

  • JohnJ
    July 22, 2009
    Reply


    #30

    Re: Vendetta

    The problem with the power-hungry, bloodthirsty regime isn’t that they were power-hungry and bloodthirsty. The problem is that they were prejudiced against blacks, etc. The real moral of the story is that it’s okay to be power-hungry and bloodthirsty, just not prejudiced. Murder is fine as long as you don’t do it because of someone’s race.

  • Laura
    July 23, 2009
    Reply


    #31

    Dear John, I’m not sure which I enjoyed more – the article or the pointlessly hateful comments below it. :) Though I strongly disagree with your analysis of V for Vendetta, I liked this article. Don’t let boneheads who think their opinion is superior to yours keep you from writing whatever the hell you want. :)

    <3

    • Jason
      July 23, 2009
      Reply


      #32

      He loves the hate comments but he won’t engage :(

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