Regretful Morning

The 10 Most Unnecessarily Caffeinated Consumer Products

Posted June 4th, 2009 at 3:03 pm by

So Mountain Dew caught a lot of flak when they came out with their Game Fuel. Why? Because it’s regular old Mountain Dew but a different color and flavor, with the masterchief on the bottle. We rounded up some real gamer fuel for you, so you can manage to get caffeine pumping through your system in the most efficient way possible…

Caffeinated Inhaler

Coffee Equivalent: 1.5 cups per puff

Made by Buzzaire, this puffer delivers a quick dose of caffeine straight to your lungs, which have the highest density of blood vessels in your body. A single puffer cartridge contains 100 doses, carrying the totally up to 150 cups of coffee per cartridge. The good news is, when you’re huffing and puffing up a flight of stairs from too much caffeine and not enough oxygen, people will just think you have asthma.

Caffeinated Potato Chips

Coffee Equivalent: 3.5 cups per bag

That’s right, you heard us. Each 3.5 ounce bag of NRG Potato Chips contains 3.5 cups of coffee. This is caffeine you could use to seriously wreck a party. Simply buy a bunch of bags, empty the chip bowl, and fill it with NRG chips. Hilarity ensues!!! On another note, this completely redefines our interpretation of ‘couch potato.’

Caffeinated Water

Coffee Equivalent: 1 strong cup

So you need to stay awake, but don’t like the taste of coffee, soda, energy drinks, tea, or pretty much anything but water? Worry not, dear readers. FYXX bottled water contains a strong cup of coffee in every bottle. Not actually, just the caffeine equivalent. Otherwise, it’d be really shitty coffee, and even shittier water.

Caffeinated Beer

Coffee Equivalent: 2.25 cups per bottle

For all those gamers who like to stay up late and drink, then play Call of Duty (or post Youtube comments), this beer is for you. Not only does it have the equivalent of two and a quarter cups of coffee, it glows in the fucking dark, so your alcoholic ass can find it when the lights are off.

Caffeinated Breath Mints

Coffee Equivalent: miniscule

From the stupidly-hilarious people who got you drinking Bawls, and suffering through the thousand jokes everyone thought they were ‘clever’ enough to come up with, comes Bawls Buzz, a breath mint with caffeine. The reason this product made the list is because, not only do these breath mints contain caffeine, they contain too little caffeine to give a mouse a buzz. Each mint contains 1mg of caffeine, so in order to get the buzz of a cup of coffee, you’d need to eat 100 mints, or about 2 tins of the shit. Stick to the coffee.

Caffeinated Soap

Coffee Equivalent: 2.5 cups per wash

Do you like waking up in the morning and taking a shower? Do you like being wide awake before you have your coffee, or even forgoing coffee because it tastes like Worg shit? Well then have we got a product for you! Caffeinated soap, which contains 15 ‘servings,’ brings 2.5 cups worth of caffeine to the metaphorical table with each washing. If, however, you decided to eat the bar of soap, you’d be introduced to lye. And the full amount of caffeine, 3750 mg, or 37.5 cups of coffee. Good luck trying NOT to look like an epileptic, foaming at the mouth from the lye and all.

Caffeinated Sunflower Seeds

Coffee Equivalent: 1.5 cups per serving

If you’re anything like us, you hate sunflower seeds, crabs, lobster, and peanuts. And if you’re any more like us, your reason is is that it’s too much damned work to get to a little bit of food. Well, unlike your stereotypically lazy American-esque ass, we changed our minds. Why? Because we found Sumseeds, a brand that adds about 140mg of caffeine (or about 1.5 cups of coffee) per serving. After the first handful, you’ll be too jittery to control your mouth and tongue properly, and would be better off swallowing the damned things whole.

Caffeinated Oatmeal

Coffee Equivalent: 1 weak cup

In what is probably the greatest improvement to oatmeal since the addition of a picture of a man in a funny hat to the box, the kindly people at Sturm Foods have incorporated a cup of coffee’s worth of caffeine into a single serving of Oatmeal. It seems there is now enough for ‘This complete breakfast,’ with coffee, caffeinated oatmeal, caffeinated water, what’s next, caffeinated cereal?

Caffeinated Cereal

Coffee Equivalent: 2 cups

Damnit internet, we spoke too soon. When Captain Crunch isn’t enough to wake you (or your pre-diabetic child) up in the morning, Spazztroids, a bad play on the word ‘Asteroids,’ is there for you. With a whopping 2 cups of coffee per bowl, this cereal is the coup de gras of breakfast cereal, and the coup d’etat of your child’s previously undiabetic body.

Caffeinated Pantyhose

Coffee Equivalent:Unknown

Caffeinated pantyhose. Such a bizarre product to caffeinate. Because their website does not say how much caffeine they contain, we wrote a nice e-mail to their Vice President, Taylor Pace. The e-mail asked, in not so many words, how many cups of coffee fit into one set.  She responded with this clever tidbit:  I’m sorry but I have no idea on how to answer this. This is the best I can do. Touche, caffeine tights.

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25 Comments
  • jamie
    June 5, 2009
    Reply


    #1

    do your research before posting the cereal at think geek was an April Fools day joke.

  • Jim
    June 5, 2009
    Reply


    #2

    You morons, the caffeinated inhaler and beer were april fools jokes… check your sources before posting…

  • Television Spy
    June 5, 2009
    Reply


    #3

    The caffeinated cereal box is just divine. Love the retro future look to it.

  • I need a hug
    June 5, 2009
    Reply


    #4

    I’ve actually seen beef jerkey with a dose of caffeine in it. Didn’t try it though. I just went and did a line instead. Works much better in my opinion.

  • Biscuit
    June 5, 2009
    Reply


    #5

    While the beer listed above may be a joke, Moonshot definitely is not. I’ve had this before at Summits Wayside Tavern here in Atlanta. http://www.moonshotbeer.com/ I thought it tasted just fine too.

  • Alex
    June 5, 2009
    Reply


    #6

    I don’t want to note you to death but there isn’t lye in soap….you make soap by reacting fats with NaOH (lye), the lye doesn’t end up in the final product (soap).

  • Bill
    June 5, 2009
    Reply


    #7

    I like my caffiene only in coke and coffee thanks. Although, I have always been intrigued by the caffeinated soap, apparently it tingles when you used it. Does anyone know if the soap gives you a caffeine rush?

  • bgirl
    June 8, 2009
    Reply


    #8

    Caffeine fights against cellulite. That’s probably why products like soap and pantyhose contain caffeine.

  • Medical Transcription Outsourcing
    June 8, 2009
    Reply


    #9

    It would be really lovely if the caffeine inhaler was real. I hate waking up 15 minutes earlier because I have to prepare coffee. (and wash the cup after.)

  • Joe
    June 8, 2009
    Reply


    #10

    I don’t want to note you to death but there isn’t lye in soap….you make soap by reacting fats with NaOH (lye), the lye doesn’t end up in the final product (soap)..

  • john adler
    June 9, 2011
    Reply


    #11

    Small amounts of caffeine are found to provide the benefits like increase muscle strength, Increases mental faculty and Reduces asthma symptoms.

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