The 10 Most Unnecessarily Caffeinated Consumer Products

So Mountain Dew caught a lot of flak when they came out with their Game Fuel. Why? Because it’s regular old Mountain Dew but a different color and flavor, with the masterchief on the bottle. We rounded up some real gamer fuel for you, so you can manage to get caffeine pumping through your system in the most efficient way possible…

Caffeinated Inhaler

Coffee Equivalent: 1.5 cups per puff

Made by Buzzaire, this puffer delivers a quick dose of caffeine straight to your lungs, which have the highest density of blood vessels in your body. A single puffer cartridge contains 100 doses, carrying the totally up to 150 cups of coffee per cartridge. The good news is, when you’re huffing and puffing up a flight of stairs from too much caffeine and not enough oxygen, people will just think you have asthma.

Caffeinated Potato Chips

Coffee Equivalent: 3.5 cups per bag

That’s right, you heard us. Each 3.5 ounce bag of NRG Potato Chips contains 3.5 cups of coffee. This is caffeine you could use to seriously wreck a party. Simply buy a bunch of bags, empty the chip bowl, and fill it with NRG chips. Hilarity ensues!!! On another note, this completely redefines our interpretation of ‘couch potato.’

Caffeinated Water

Coffee Equivalent: 1 strong cup

So you need to stay awake, but don’t like the taste of coffee, soda, energy drinks, tea, or pretty much anything but water? Worry not, dear readers. FYXX bottled water contains a strong cup of coffee in every bottle. Not actually, just the caffeine equivalent. Otherwise, it’d be really shitty coffee, and even shittier water.

Caffeinated Beer

Coffee Equivalent: 2.25 cups per bottle

For all those gamers who like to stay up late and drink, then play Call of Duty (or post Youtube comments), this beer is for you. Not only does it have the equivalent of two and a quarter cups of coffee, it glows in the fucking dark, so your alcoholic ass can find it when the lights are off.

Caffeinated Breath Mints

Coffee Equivalent: miniscule

From the stupidly-hilarious people who got you drinking Bawls, and suffering through the thousand jokes everyone thought they were ‘clever’ enough to come up with, comes Bawls Buzz, a breath mint with caffeine. The reason this product made the list is because, not only do these breath mints contain caffeine, they contain too little caffeine to give a mouse a buzz. Each mint contains 1mg of caffeine, so in order to get the buzz of a cup of coffee, you’d need to eat 100 mints, or about 2 tins of the shit. Stick to the coffee.

Caffeinated Soap

Coffee Equivalent: 2.5 cups per wash

Do you like waking up in the morning and taking a shower? Do you like being wide awake before you have your coffee, or even forgoing coffee because it tastes like Worg shit? Well then have we got a product for you! Caffeinated soap, which contains 15 ’servings,’ brings 2.5 cups worth of caffeine to the metaphorical table with each washing. If, however, you decided to eat the bar of soap, you’d be introduced to lye. And the full amount of caffeine, 3750 mg, or 37.5 cups of coffee. Good luck trying NOT to look like an epileptic, foaming at the mouth from the lye and all.

Caffeinated Sunflower Seeds

Coffee Equivalent: 1.5 cups per serving

If you’re anything like us, you hate sunflower seeds, crabs, lobster, and peanuts. And if you’re any more like us, your reason is is that it’s too much damned work to get to a little bit of food. Well, unlike your stereotypically lazy American-esque ass, we changed our minds. Why? Because we found Sumseeds, a brand that adds about 140mg of caffeine (or about 1.5 cups of coffee) per serving. After the first handful, you’ll be too jittery to control your mouth and tongue properly, and would be better off swallowing the damned things whole.

Caffeinated Oatmeal

Coffee Equivalent: 1 weak cup

In what is probably the greatest improvement to oatmeal since the addition of a picture of a man in a funny hat to the box, the kindly people at Sturm Foods have incorporated a cup of coffee’s worth of caffeine into a single serving of Oatmeal. It seems there is now enough for ‘This complete breakfast,’ with coffee, caffeinated oatmeal, caffeinated water, what’s next, caffeinated cereal?

Caffeinated Cereal

Coffee Equivalent: 2 cups

Damnit internet, we spoke too soon. When Captain Crunch isn’t enough to wake you (or your pre-diabetic child) up in the morning, Spazztroids, a bad play on the word ‘Asteroids,’ is there for you. With a whopping 2 cups of coffee per bowl, this cereal is the coup de gras of breakfast cereal, and the coup d’etat of your child’s previously undiabetic body.

Caffeinated Pantyhose

Coffee Equivalent:Unknown

Caffeinated pantyhose. Such a bizarre product to caffeinate. Because their website does not say how much caffeine they contain, we wrote a nice e-mail to their Vice President, Taylor Pace. The e-mail asked, in not so many words, how many cups of coffee fit into one set.  She responded with this clever tidbit:  I’m sorry but I have no idea on how to answer this. This is the best I can do. Touche, caffeine tights.

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