Regretful Morning

Helpful tips to conceal your boner at the beach

Posted June 24th, 2009 at 10:20 am by

Beach season can be very exciting.  The problem: For the first few weeks, this excitement can be overwhelming – Because up until a few weeks ago, we were only able to see half naked woman from the screen of our PC’s (where it is acceptable to have a monster erection).  It’s sort of like seeing a lion at the zoo vs seeing one out in the wild.

Cosmo

We know this transition can be difficult, so we’ve outlined a few tips for you this summer season.

Dig A Hole In The Sand – At the first signs of giant hard-on some of us tend to panic and roll over immediately.  This can be painful if not executed properly.  And depending on your shorts, there is a possibility of your little buddy getting a sneak peak of some sun light.  Stay calm and dig a small hole where your pelvic region meets your towel.  This will allow your yogurt slinger to safely and comfortably retract.

dig hole

Pretend Like You’re Stretching – Stretching at the beach is commonly practiced, so you won’t have to worry about looking awkward.  People will think you’re about to go for a jog or a power swim.  Hiding a boner will be the last thing on anybodies mind.

stretching

Place Beer Between Legs – If you’re in a situation where you’re in a lawn chair, you may not want to lose your seat.  Fear not, this is but a perfect opportunity to crack open another cold beer.

beach3

The beer can works in two ways.

  1. It can be used to cover an unwelcome bulge.
  2. The chilling beer can works as an electric fence when it comes into contact with your penis.

Conclusion: The first few weeks of beach season can be a true testament of one’s willpower and focus.  When venturing away from your towel to retrieve more food and beverages, we’d suggest that you keep your line of site directly in front of you.  If at anytime you become distracted, just think of this guy.

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43 Comments
  • Ray
    June 24, 2009
    Reply


    #1

    Who cares if you have a woody at the beach. Its perfectly natural. Why do americans have to be such prudes about there bodies. Its OK to go to the beach and be 200 lbs overweight with bross buldges everywhere that no body seems to care about but its not ok to have a perfect normal, natural erection?. come on people. Men get hard ons and not allway at the best times.
    For some men hiding it isnt a issue but for me, I am well endowed and hiding it nearly impossible shy of laying on my stomach. The beach isnt the only place it happens to men either. I think as long as you are not staring at someone. especially children then you are not being inapropriate. If it bother someone then they shouldnt be looking at your crotch.

    • Rache
      June 24, 2009
      Reply


      #2

      most guys who think they have a big dick don’t

  • Bro
    June 24, 2009
    Reply


    #3

    Dude it’s a boner

  • Kristi
    June 24, 2009
    Reply


    #4

    Pics plz <3

    • Shelby
      June 25, 2009
      Reply


      #5

      Skank =]

  • Gss
    June 24, 2009
    Reply


    #6

    How about be a real man and not worry about concealing your boner. Only fags worry about that shit.

  • ZeiggiM
    June 24, 2009
    Reply


    #7

    11. Stick it in her!

  • Charley Chauncey
    June 24, 2009
    Reply


    #8

    Going into the water may be an option if in reach of the ocean. If the cold water doesn’t do the trick than you can stand in the water so you have your lower half of your body hidden. But please be advised that a passing wave may leave you stranded with your woody at full mast, if this is the case collapse both knees so you’ll make a shallow water landing. If you still have a boner when you get back to shore, just wrap your towel around your waste because you’re just pathetic.

  • johnson12
    June 24, 2009
    Reply


    #9

    rub one out before going. problem solved.

  • check
    June 24, 2009
    Reply


    #10

    Interesting post.

  • fred
    June 24, 2009
    Reply


    #11

    Uh, I don’t know about u guys, but I think you’d open yourself to mockery having a boner on the beach especially if you’re alone and look like a dork to begin with. People ARE assholes in real life – TRUST ME…

  • Tyrone
    June 24, 2009
    Reply


    #12

    Don’t control it, celebrate it. It’s very zen.

  • Warren Pierce
    June 24, 2009
    Reply


    #13

    Email address please!

  • Adam
    June 24, 2009
    Reply


    #14

    Just go down on yourself! Selfhead, problem solved

  • Ray
    June 24, 2009
    Reply


    #15

    I dont “Think” i have a big dick. There are bigger ones thats for sure but i have taken note to the fact that i have to buy Magnum XL condoms as they are the only ones that fit. If you do your research on rubbers, Magnum XL is the largest size available. Wrap your small mind around your inability to see the intent of the statement, that was to point out that erections are A- Not always easy to hide and
    B- not always necessary to hide it, Like at the beach. Do i think its Big?. i think its would be difficult to hide if thats what i wanted to do

    • AbsolutelyTrue
      June 25, 2009
      Reply


      #16

      a/s/l?

    • Devin
      December 30, 2009
      Reply


      #17

      Please. Condoms stretch about 50 feet. You don’t need the extra length, it just makes people feel better since they have to buy bigger sizes when all it is is that the condoms that are larger size are already stretched out some.

  • Steven
    June 25, 2009
    Reply


    #18

    Considering “fags” have about 50-100 times more sex/sexual partners in their lives than straight men (deny it all you like, it’s true), happily frequent naked bars, sex saunas, cruising grounds and nudist beaches… I somehow think your statement “only fags worry about that shit” doesn’t make much sense.

  • Amer
    June 25, 2009
    Reply


    #19

    the ‘s’ is the most significant part of your questions :P

  • Shelby
    June 25, 2009
    Reply


    #20

    Idk, i love being a lesbian, i can look at all the girls i want, think about doing whatever i want with that girl, and it is still not noticable. =D

  • JohnJ
    June 25, 2009
    Reply


    #21

    My strategy is to have a small penis. Problem solved!

  • Anthony
    June 25, 2009
    Reply


    #22

    This is the most pointless article I’ve read this month.

    @Ray

    People who are overweight get laughed all the time at the beach, just like someone is gonna get laughed at for walking around with a hard on. Also, nobody gives a flying fuck about you or your “giant” cock and your extensive research on condoms.

  • VCBecky
    June 25, 2009
    Reply


    #23

    Ray, the fact that you felt the need to reply to an obvious taunt tells us you have a babydick. If you try trimming the hair around the shaft, you can make it look a bit bigger. I’m just sayin’, is all.

    • Jason
      June 25, 2009
      Reply


      #24

      I shave all the hair off and it still looks like I have a baby dick. Suggestions?

  • Michael
    June 26, 2009
    Reply


    #26

    Hey, have you seen this news article?
    New details about Michael Jackson’s Death Emerge
    I was wondering if you were going to blog about this…

  • Laura
    June 30, 2009
    Reply


    #27

    Magnum condoms are only wider, not longer. It’s been proven by tests as well as stated by the company. Get YOUR facts straight.

  • Joe
    March 23, 2010
    Reply


    #28

    just put a towel over it and jerk it off, or have your dude friend suck it for you.

  • deepthroat
    August 1, 2010
    Reply


    #29

    I’m wet now… (damn u straight men!)

  • BobbY Lover
    February 27, 2011
    Reply


    #30

    And why should we be embarrassed? Sign of a good healthy manhood! Long live the Boner!

  • P Smith
    June 26, 2011
    Reply


    #31

    Easy solution: wear a speedo or other tight suit and point yourself downward inside it. When there’s no room to grow, it won’t.

    If you’re really a tightass, wear the speedo under your male burqa, otherwise known as dork shorts or “board shorts”.

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