How to scratch your balls during a Monday Meeting

One of the worst parts about Monday is the mandatory meetings some of us have to go to.  If you’re in a position where you don’t have to deal with Monday meetings, then know this – a lot of people envy you.  The problem with these meetings is that you’re only going to talk about stuff that you’ve probably already read via email.  Some companies try to spice it up by asking everyone what they did on their days off.  This is ultra boring unless you have an IT guy who doesn’t care about anything.  The IT guy can get away with a lot, because everyone needs his help and he knows that he’s somewhat hard to replace.

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So while everyone else is like “Oh the wife and I went to Home Depot, it was relaxing” he will say something like “I’m still ripped as shit from last night so please email me, don’t call my desk.  My head feels like someone ran it over with a truck.”

Boring recaps and pointless summaries aside, there is one thing that can turn your Monday meeting from shit, to utterly devastating.  The dreaded ball itch.  You have a few choices when it comes to an itchy sack in a Monday meeting.

• Attempt to stealthily scratch your balls
• Tough it out for 45 minutes

When toughing it out seems impossible, we’d like to run down a few ways you can pull of a scratch of the jewels, unnoticed.

1) The Stand Up – This can be difficult and must be timed perfectly unless you want the cute receptionist who takes notes to see that you’ve just grabbed a handful of scrotum.  With your index finger, flick your pen to the center of the table (out of reaching distance).  With your right hand quickly grab the itchy area of your sack as you stand up.  Now extend your left hand and let go with your right hand, just as your waist is above the table.  As you stand up, your man parts will retract and should get enough friction to pull off a good scratch.

We realize this figure has breasts, but you get the jist

2) The Leg Extension – By attempting to stretch your legs under the table you can get away with pretending to adjust your pants.  In an upward motion grab your goods as you extend your legs.  Then arch back in your chair so you can really sell the stretch.  Use caution when performing the initial grab.  Too loose of a grip will bring you back to square one, but if your grip is too tight, you’re bound to de-root a few pubes.

3) Pocket Pool – Pocket Pool can be risky but it is also the most effective way of scratching yourself, aside from stuffing a hand down your pants.  Place your right hand in your pant pocket and extend your right leg at the same time.  The problem here is that it is pretty obvious to see what you’re doing if someone (ie: cute receptionist) happens to look down.  Nevertheless, we have found that if you slide your chair forward as far as it will go, you can still be fairly stealthy using the pocket method.

Conclusion: If you see an opening, take it.  There is a good chance when your day starts this bad, you’ll probably get called to stand up and voice your opinion about the topic at hand.  Doing so with a problem in your shrubbery, is not an easy task.