Dropping a healthy deuce when you have flawless surroundings is one of the greatest feelings in the world. These surroundings are rated on a comfort scale which covers everything from bathroom size, room temp, and level of privacy. A perfect 10 dump would ideally be a large bathroom with heated floors, an excellent game to play via PSP or DS, and zero noises from other areas (ie: screaming kids, barking dogs etc)
Unfortunately we don’t live in a perfect world, so finding a perfect 10 unloading zone isn’t always the easiest thing to do. We’re going to go ahead and count off some of the worst places where you’ve dropped the kids off at the pool.
Girlfriend’s Place (High school) – Meeting your GF’s parents for the first time is a terrifying experience. As you answer Daddy’s questions to the best of your ability, you begin to feel a rumble in your stomach from Mom’s not so tasty lasagna.
- You: “Sir, could you tell me where the restroom is” (please don’t say first door on the left)
- GF’s Dad: “First door on the left. Don’t worry about closing it all the way, the door is warped from the shower steam and won’t completely shut.”
Lovely, you proceed to projectile BM digested Italian food, in a bathroom where the door didn’t shut. 20 feet away, you notice that your hosts have stopped talking. Your night takes a turn from bad to worse in one lift of a cheek.
Camping Trip (5th Grade) – At some point it is inevitable that you’ll be pinching a loaf in the woods. Sadly, many of us become scarred at a young age. Around 11pm when everyone has zipped up their tents, and the glow from the fire is almost non-existent, you begin to feel those baked beans make a bolt for the exit. Frantically you grab a flash light and head in the direction where the camp counselors told everyone to shit if they had to. Hearing the sounds from an eerie dark forest is mortifying for any 5th grader. Your drop your shorts behind a dead tree and start to push as fast as possible. This is when you notice that you forgot two things.
- The hand shovel to dig a hole.
Doing the best you can, you forage for some leaves and begin the not so sanitary clean up process. For the next day, and the entire hike back to the bus you will feel the wrath of an itchy cornhole.
Filthy Gas Station (Road Trip) – The worst part of any road trip is the part where you have to get gas at those filthy truck stops. Even after putting an inch of TP on the seat, you won’t be able to fully relax for the evacuation process. After admiring some of smut scribbled on the walls, you notice a small hole. It then dawns on you – Blow jobs have been performed directly where you’re sitting.
Girlfriend’s Place (College) – Even though you’re not supposed to be in the ladies dorm rooms after lights out, you did it a few times anyway. It’s college, and in college – most rules get broken. Somewhere between finishing a microwave burrito and watching Friends, you begin to feel a pain in your stomach.
“Babe, how old was that burrito?”
“Oh, I didn’t know we still had those.”
This relationship is fairly new, so even though she’s seen your penis a few times, unleashing micro-beans in her small bathroom is something you’d rather not do. Holding it isn’t and option, so you make a dash for her tiny bathroom. Loud farts and water splashing noises echo. Ya she heard it, someone won’t get laid tonight.
Airplane – There are a few things everyone fears before they take their seat on an airplane.
- Having to sit next to someone who sweats/stinks
- A number two knocking on your back door while the fasten seat belt sign is on
Once that seat belt sign comes off, there is a good chance that someone fat, and someone who needs to change a diaper will beat you to the punch. When you do finally get a chance to unload, the smell of dirty diaper, and 4 big mac’s in turd form will still be lingering. You fight passed it only to hear the seat belt sign come back on…”ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats – we’re looking at some turbulence ahead.” This could get messy.
House Party - On most occasions you will try to hold it in until you make it home, while at a house party. Handful’s of guys have been pissing all over the seat and on the floor all night long, making this almost as disgusting as the bathroom from the road trip. Sometimes, nature won’t be put on hold though, and you’ll have to take your chances. The main reason dropping a 9 inch boa at a house party is more mortifying than a truck stop, is the fact that as soon as you flush, wash up, and open the door – you’ll see a long line of hot chicks. You’ll be known as the guy who stank up the bathroom for the rest of the night.
Out Door Concert – Having to take a shit at an outdoor concert, in the summer heat, is basically a way to show you what living in hell would be like. Leaving a concert to take a dump is nearly impossible with stop n’ go traffic, so chances are, you’ll be left having to wrestle your way into one of those plastic outhouses. The problem with these things (besides the smell of baking logs in 90 degree heat) is that there are a lot of disgusting people in this world. Now add alcohol to the mix, and you’re looking at people who poo directly onto the seat just for the lulz. If you do run into a situation where you have to go number two at a concert, I’m telling you right now – a small piece of you will die.
Conclusion: We don’t have a witty conclusion for this article, but we will tell you this: Try to squeeze one out before you leave home. You don’t want to be in one of these shitty (yes pun) situations.