So we’re stuck in Alabama this week for another job and it also happens to be Talladega weekend. For those of you who don’t speak redneck, that’s the biggest Nascar event all year. There will be over 300,000 rednecks at this one weekend event. Through careful observation, attempts at blending in, and copious bribes of Bud Lite, I managed to categorize these rednecks into 5 major groups. But I did it with love!

The Diehard Nascar Fan

This group is comprised primarily of the mullet-wearing type. No one knows specifically why rednecks like Nascar, but I theorize the love for Nascar is directly proportional to the number of cars on cinderblocks in your front yard. Failing to comedically segue into my next sentence, I inserted this one. This group of rednecks plaster their bedrooms, living rooms, and front lawns with images and dedications to their favorite racer. They’d rather spend $10,000 on a set of porcelain plates commemorating Kyle Busch than move out of their trailer into a house that doesn’t have wheels.

Improvisational

This group of rednecks encompasses the largest majority you’ve seen in pictures. This is because they don’t have much but, what they do have, they manage to alter to suit their needs. This includes houseboats made from a camper trailer, a camper made from a pickup truck and a cardboard box, or the below pictured pool.

The Mullets

This group of rednecks exist only in appearance. They could have a middle class home (without wheels!) and children. What they don’t have, however, is a regular haircut. Many want to ‘hold on to their roots,’ while others want to ‘express themselves.’ This group of rednecks, suitably named, are characterized by the mullet indigenous to the backs of their heads.

The Just Plain Can’t

This group encompasses those rednecks who are because they can’t What does this mean? They fell into the redneck way of life because they were poor and fell the wrong direction, and are now stuck in a way of life they want no part of but subconsciously came to accept. They are a bit more difficult to spot, as you’d have to see their home to understand.

The Bona Fide Redneck

This group of rednecks are best demonstrated by the Clampetts. Those that fall into this group are damned proud of their redneck status. Even if they had a million dollars, won the lottery, found a purpose in life, they would stick to their redneck way of life. They’d just do it in a more extravagant manor.

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