5 things we learned from Kenny Powers

East Bound and Down is the side project that Will Ferrel did with HBO, so immediately we thought this would be 30 minutes of dick jokes in every episode.  To our amazement, this show is actually very educational.  Sure, he doesn’t act like the textbook school employee should, but that’s what we like.

People don’t want to be patronized, and shooting from the hip, with straight forward answers is exactly what Kenny Powers does best.

Educational Quote: Sometimes when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm.

We think this means: When you kick truck loads of ass, you’ll make a lot of dust.  When this happens, you might not be able to see so well.

Educational Quote: Me sittin’ round smokin’ weed is awesome but it’s not what a team manager is lookin’ for.

We think this means: Drugs are pretty cool but you shouldn’t do them in front of your boss.

Educational Quote: Honey I love you, I think you’re a terrific girl, but you have clothes like a fuckin’ dick head.

We think this means: Don’t sugar coat anything.  If your GF wants you to tell her how she looks, then you should tell her.  Sure it might sting at first, but in the long run it’s better for everyone.

Educational Quote: Sure you don’t wanna meet in the middle somewhere?

We think this means: When selling yourself you should never take the first offer thrown in your direction.  By using the above quote, he earned himself an extra $100.

Educational Quote: Ya I hurt myself, I hurt my nose.

We think this means: Being in the Major’s means you have more balls flying at your face than 15 year old girl, backstage at a Jonas Bro concert.  Obviously if a fast flying baseball hits you in the nose, it’s going to take some time and work to get it fixed up.

Video of the day – College Humor

Babe of the day (nsfw) – Gorilla Mask

WTF of the day – Totally Crap

Pic of the day – Holy Taco

A Hot teacher, a mean GF, and a taser

Name: Craig

Age: 21

When I was in school I waited till my freshman year to take health.  So first day of highschool I walk in to health class and see this amazingly hot teacher to whom i will only refer to as miss kenjura.

Blonde, about 125 lbs, 32yr old and the most amazing tits you’ve ever seen.  So all four years of highschool I take health just so i can stare at this amazing hot teacher.  I’ll be honest I made an attempt to hit on this lady about once a week, but of course she would always give me the cold shoulder.

Well about a year after I graduate me and my buddy are in this bar when you know it shes sitting right there across the bar.  I spent the whole night giving it everything I had to try and get this chick to give me something.  Finally after 3 hrs of laughing and talking about old times she invites me back to her place.
So we get there go in her house, well I’m about to start crying from excitement right.  We start making out and I begin to think about all the years of waiting and thinking how close I am when all of a sudden there’s a knock on the door.

She freaks out and starts trying to get me out the back door when the door bust open and this fine ass red headed chick comes in(even bigger tits!) and is all like “what the hell is goin on” oh hey Laura i thought u weren’t coming back till next Friday.

Naturally I’m stunned with excitement.  Right when I’m about to suggest that she joins us the chick whips out a tazer and shocks my ass she throws me outside and tells me next time it will be a gun.

Well there you go, the teacher I had the hots for all through highschool was bi, and I was right there on the border line of paradise when some redheaded chick named laura with huge tits kicks my ass.

Dear Craig, Your story was like a fairy tale up until the end.  Take notes: Anytime you’re at a female’s place and she gets nervous when someone is at the door, you should bail.  99% of the time it’s a 250 lbs boyfriend who can eat trees and lift up a flat bed truck.  You sort of lucked out that her boyfriend had a vagina, this could have been worse.

This story was submitted as an entry for The Fixers ‘hook up gone wrong ‘ contest.  You can submit your own hook up story here for a chance at an AXE prize pack.

Awesome Bumper Sticker

I saw this camper down in Ocean Beach the other day and thought to myself “damn, that’s not a bad idea.”  Having someone crash into your busted ass ride would be an easy way to get some quick dough – Especially now that everyone is getting economically ass raped.  Just make sure you have insurance before you ask your buddy to destroy your shit.

Popular Links:
Dogs make cute rapists – Blog of Hilarity
Choir sings ‘whats my age again’ – College Humor
Classroom jump fail – Funny Hub
WTF – crows attack an owl – DumpaLink
White people problems – Atom
Under cover fail cop – YepYep
Texting bus driver crashes – Totally Crap

Babes:
Viktoria Lopyreva MAXIM (Russia) – Camel Tap
Miller vs Bud Girl showdown – COED Magazine
Kim Kardashian Has Cellulite – Don Chavez
Sexy marathon runner – Double Viking
Kerrie Lust has an amazing body – Gorilla Mask
Sorry guys Simona Halep is still jail bate – Hail Mary Jane
Helena Coelho FHM hottie – Holy Taco
55 hot Busted T babes – Manofest
Tribute to major league cheerleader babes – Next Round
Vanessa Claudio gallery + vid – On 205th

You spit when you talk

Jimmy Fallon performs “you spit when you talk” live.  I believe that this was written for my ex-girlfriend, bless her heart.

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7 Super Heroes Inspired by Mixed Drinks

We all know how our favorite super heroes came to be right?  Batman from bats, Catwoman from cats, Spiderman/spider bite etc.  We decided to see what it would look like if super heroes spawned from our favorite mixed drinks.  We’ve also posted the recipes for educational purposes.

You can check out the rest of the entries here or join the latest PS contest here.

The Vibrator

2 Parts Southern Comfort
1 Part Bailey’s Irish Cream

Martina Man

2 1/2 oz gin
1/2 oz dry vermouth
1 green olive or lemon twist for garnish
Orange or Angostura bitters (optional)

Pina Colada Girl

1 2/3 fl oz rum
1 2/3 fl oz coconut rum (You can use Malibu coconut rum)
2 oz pineapple juice
1 2/3 fl oz coconut cream/coconut milk
2 scoops of crushed ice

The Cosmo Cocktail Cock

1 1/2 oz vodka
1 oz Cointreau
1/2 oz fresh lime juice
1/4 oz cranberry juice
Orange peel for garnish

The Black Russian

1 3/4 oz vodka
3/4 oz coffee liqueur

The Sweaty Mexican

6 oz. Beer
1 1/4 oz. Tequila
1 Splash White rum

Fill mug half way with beer. Splash Rum on Tequila in shot glass, then light with a match. Drop flaming shot glass in mug. Drop in a lime of slice. Chug it.

The JagerBomber

1 Shot of Jagermeister
1/2 can of Red Bull
Drop shot into glass of Red Bull

Swine Flu Cures Created By Children

1)   The Swine Flu has everyone shitting their pants.  Get creative and show us how children would cure this deadly virus.  You may submit more than one.  Make sure you shrink it to 550 pixels wide or less.

2) Attach it on the forums here

3) The best entry gets $25 via paypal.

4) Contest ends when we receive 12+ entries – Winners will be contacted via forum PM

Check out some of our previous contests:

Super Heroes inspired by mixed drinks

Dating sites we might actually use

If Potheads made snack food labels

If Gladiators Played Beer Pong

Disgusting internet memes by children

If Jason Voorhees had been given a puppy

Chick Flicks created by men

Prop 8 as depicted by 6 year olds

Unappealing beer ads

Bouncer Alternatives

Beer Goggles

Email scammer or future screenplay writer?

I get so much junk mail it’s retarded.  The problem is, I can’t mass delete because often an important one will slip through the cracks.  So while speed deleting, I came across this beauty and thought to myself “JJ Abrams could make this shit work.”

One trailer already comes to mind. Remember this shit from Entourage a few seasons ago? I’m gonna write this clown back and ask him to put together a similar script, then we’ll pitch it to Hollywood and see what happens.

Edit: He still hasn’t responded.

Popular Links:
Don’t sleep with Jessica Larson – Atom
He bite me in my vagina – YepYep
Relationship Translator – Holy Taco
Wife gets clothes lined – Funny Hub
Twilight with cheeseburgers – Double Viking
Ticket Master fail – Blog of Hilarity
Real Life Twitter – College Humor

Babes:
Roxanne Pallett lovely rack – Totally Crap
Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace proves boobs are a good investment – On 205th
Diora Baird In FHM – Next Round
10 sexiest WoW characters – Manofest
Hot Michelle takes her top off – Gorilla Mask
Vanessa Claudio from Max Mexico – Camel Tap
Dolphins cheerleader gallery, fap – Don Chavez
Obama’s first 100 babes – COED Magazine

An analysis of your Masturbation timeline

Before we plunge into this list I’d like to take a moment to address the single bachelors.  Sure it get’s lonely not having a gf/wife to share bodily fluids with, but one day that will all change.  When that day comes, you will look back at this point in your life and think to yourself “Damn those days were awesome.”  So go ahead and pull your pud as much, and as often as you possibly can.  Let out some grunts too.  You should be flogging your dolphin in every room, with every door open, as often as possible.  Because the truth is, your days of boppin’ the bologna without a care in the world are numbered.

Age 12-14: I need to get a lock on my door asap because building tent forts in my room is getting tiring.  Also why does mom always knock, then come barreling through the door?  Shouldn’t she wait until I say “come in?”  I better never get caught doing this shit.

Age 15-17: Ahh third hot shower today, let’s get to it.  Man I hope they don’t fucking ask why I take so many hot showers again.  I’m an active kid and active kids sweat when they play, can’t we just leave it at that?

Age 18-25: If my roommate knocks one more time asking me where his pipe is, I’m not even gonna try to finish.  I’d rather live at home and be grilled about hot showers, than trying to full release while my stoner roommate and his friends are laughing in the living room.

Age 26-40:

• Porn stash, check
• Empty house check
• Hand lotion check

Let’s get this party started.  Why do I hear a minivan?  Soccer games are supposed to last all day.  I’ll continue this next weekend when the wife and kids are gone.  Yes next weekend for sure.

41-59: I wonder what my daughter’s friend meant when she hugged me and said I was the best?  Shit, OK trying to think about my wife now.  I wish her boobs were more like…gah, I’m a bad person.

60+: How long will this take?  Maybe if I crush up the viagra and snort it like coke it will hit me faster.  Wait, ah ok here we go.  That orderly better not stroll in while I’m trying to bust again.  Man that pisses me off when she just walks in like she owns the place and tells me to put my stuff away.  I think I’m going to start shitting my pants more on purpose just to give her more work.

Tramp Stamp Tuesday

Did anyone else know Christina Aguilera had a stamp?  I didn’t.  Also, this pic sucks so I found one that does her more justice.

Have a good tramp stamp pic we should post? Throw it on the forums or drop us an email. Check out last weeks tramp stamp.

Ahh what the hell, I’m on a roll.

Popular Links:
Water mammal feeds infants McDonald’s – Blog of Hilarity
El Vacio: Jessica Larson – Atom
Melissa Baker FHM France – Camel Tap
10 Women We Never Want to See on a Hot List Ever Again! – COED Magazine

In An Apatow World – College Humor
My favorite new dance move – Don Chavez
Amateur cameraman records post-airplane crash – DumpaLink
Chimp cops a feel (pic) – Funny Hub
Free Hugs prank – Gorilla Mask
Target’s Job Application Explains A Lot – Holy Taco
99 hot hooters babes – Manofest

Hummer driver in handicapped space – Next Round
Bacon flavored vodka? – On 205th
Soccer not allowed at this park – Mick Landers
Hockey fans love oral – Totally Crap
Busted by Facebook – YepYep

Yahoo date ends in disaster

Name: Albert

Age: twenties

I married a woman off of Yahoo chat after talking to her for 3 months. She turned out to be a fat hairy coke addict with a whiny 10 year-old son. She had a face full of whiskers, blackheads and broken teeth, and a sagging belly full of stretch marks. She cheated on me with a crackhead/dealer that she let fuck her in the ass for his cocaine.

The marriage lasted 2 years. I gave up when she started disappearing into the night.

Dear Albert, you need to learn how to photoshop, heres why.  Anytime you meet a chick on Yahoo or Myspace you need to account for “internetz lbs” (those are the pounds women can hide via camera angles and lighting).  So just take the girl you’re talking to and add an extra chin and some saddle bags via photoshop, then you can ask yourself if it’s still worth it.  Sorry she ruined your life btw.

This story was submitted as an entry for The Fixers ‘hook up gone wrong ‘ contest.  You can submit your own hook up story here for a chance at an AXE prize pack.

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