If you could take an actor and combine some of their movie characters to make an ultimate father figure, who would you choose, and why?

We went with Alec Baldwin, for reasons that will become obvious.

Dating Advice – Remember when you were 14 and you liked Becky?  When you asked your father how to win her over, he might have given you some bullshit answer like “take her to the movies” or “draw her something.”  Ultimately, this advice will land you in the friends zone for the next 4 years of high school.

Professor Turner (My Best Friend’s Girl), on the other hand, would tell you to pull on her pigtails and try to bang her older sister.  The lack of interest you showed would leave Becky chasing after you until graduation.

Dealing With Bullies – “Hey Dad, Ricky beat the shit out of me today again and took my lunch money.”  Your father’s advice might have been that of minimal conflict: explaining how you should tell your teacher or principal.  He might even set up a meeting with Ricky’s parents in an attempt to stop this nonsense.

The Shadow would teach you how to destroy him.  Hell, you’d eventually become a crime-fighting machine.  Fight fire with napalm – they take your lunch money, you take their soul.

Career Advice – Taking that lawn-mowing job in 8th grade was another step you took toward becoming an adult.  Before your Paps patted you on the head on your way out the door, he may have given you a quick lesson on what makes a good work ethic: “Make sure you’re always on time, and work hard at whatever you do.”  While this advice isn’t all that bad, it implies you’ll be stuck working for ‘the man’ the rest of your life.

Blake (Glengarry Glen Ross) would teach you how to take that piece of shit lawnmower and flip it, selling it at twice the cost.  You’d spend your summer pulling busted-ass lawnmowers out of the dump and turning them into mounds of cash.  By mid-summer, you’d have a team of kids doing the work for you, and you’d be paying them a fraction of the profits.  When your crew got out of line, you’d take another page out of Dad’s motivational speech book to put them in check.

Some might speculate that Alec Baldwin isn’t the best father figure but we’re sticking to our guns on this one.