AskMen’s Wrong. 10 Men You Safely Mancrush On

AskMen recently published a Top 10 list about famous men it’s ok to have a mancrush on. Now, I stand by the fact that any affection toward another man greater than a head-nod or hand-shake is completely homosexual. However, I comprised a list of 10 men it really is alright to consider half-decent. And they weren’t picked for their political status either.

Hugh Laurie is the British star of the FOX hit TV show House. So we’ll forgive him for being British. The character he plays is a caustic, sarcastic asshole who happens to be witty, hilarious, and brilliant at diagnostic medicine. This man makes the list because of his sheer man-itude disguised as assholery. Hugh Laurie is officially declared, from this day forward, mancrush worthy. Now this doesn’t mean you can stand outside the studio where they film House. It does, however, allow you to, while watching House with a woman at your side or on your lap, you can casually say “Hmm. He’s good looking.”

Ok, so you may not know him as John-117, but that’s his name. Kinda. You will most likely know him as Spartan-117, or The Masterchief. He’s a crazy super-soldier genetically engineered and artificially armored in space. Spends most of his time fighting the Covenant and the Flood. He makes the list because of how many men play Halo. Since it’s a first-person-shooter, they’ve all been inside the Masterchief and felt manly. No problems with it. That’s why he makes the list. But no creepy Halo porn. That means you, Matt Schulman.

AskMen had a UFC fighter on their list, and you may argue that that’s manlier than WWE wrestling, and you’d be right. However, when you consider that in UFC, they earn money and make a living (get paid) to wrestle around with sweaty men in front of everyone. I’m not saying anything bad against real wrestling, as it’s an awesome sport, but John Cena is ripped, famous, rich, and is basically a paid actor, as WWE isn’t actually real fighting. John Cena makes the list. This doesn’t allow you to announce to the world your desire to take him on in a hot-wax related cage match, because that’s totally gay. You may, however, announce in a room full of women “Looks good, but I could take him.”

Are you wondering what that black thing sticking in Sean Patrick Flanery’s face is? It’s a fucking .50 CAL machine gun. Ferocious, and deadly. This scene is from the best thing Hollywood has ever offered the world, “Boondock Saints.” He’s holding a knife in a PIRA arms warehouse full of guns. He also insists on taking the fucking rope with them as he and his brother fall through an air duct and kill a room full of Russian mob, suspended by the rope. He also ripped a porcelain toilet out of the floor to save his brother’s life by dropping it on a guy. Holy fucking bad-ass, Batman, this guy’s gotta make the list!

Nathan Fillion played Captain Malcolm Reynolds aka “Mal” on the Sci-Fi series Firefly. The show was such a hit, they even made a movie, Serenity. Mal plays a combination of the two manliest professions ever; astronaut and pirate. Put them together, and you get Nathan Fillion, space pirate. He and his crew fly around in serenity looting what amounts to Wal-Mart space ships and being all-around awesome. You’re totally allowed a mancrush on him, as long as you also have one on Summer Glau. But if you make any jokes about timbers shivered or booty, that’s gay.

Corporal Alvin Cullum York, later promoted through colonel, is probably the manliest man who ever lived, and is greatly under appreciated. In World War I, he filed as a conscientious objector but was still drafted. During action, he managed to single handedly kill between 30 and 40 Germans behind a machine gun nest, and accepted the surrender of 132 more, including 4 officers. The story has it that the German leading the surrender thought he was a British soldier showing the Americans how wars are fought. As soon as he found out York was American, they surrendered, presumably after a severe pants-shitting. He became one of a limited number of men to receive the Medal of Honor without dying first.

Gordan Freeman is on this list because, in addition to John-117 (The Masterchief), this is a heroic videogame character who fights aliens, inter dimensional beasts, and the occasional other Gordan Freeman. Like when you’re playing Half-Life or Half-Life 2? Like The Masterchief, men feel manly while being inside him. It sounds gay, but it’s not. Unlike the masterchief, however, Freeman does not have assault rifles, rocket launchers, or sniper rifles. He beats his foes to death with a fucking crowbar. That’s it. He beats John-117 in manliness. He’s got more masculinity and bad-assedness in one crowbar-wielding hand than the Masterchief does with an entire arsenal.

Richard Dean Anderson is an actor who is about half the age of Clint Eastwood, AskMen’s oldest actor. Ok, not exactly half, but a whole lot more youthful. And more masculine. He was MacGuyver, the man’s man, the guy who could fix anything. Building bombs with toothpaste toothpicks and a breath mint, averting nuclear disaster with a pocket knife and some duct tape, he was the man every guy wished he was clever enough to be. Then, he went to Stargate SG-1, where he was the leader of an elite military unit whose job was to go to alien worlds and kick their asses.

You go to hell, AskMen. You go to hell and you die. Pulling out Clint Eastwood, yeah he was a great cowboy, but you know what? John Wayne started acting 3 years before Eastwood was a twinkle in his daddy’s eye. And he was a cowboy who mastered his pistol when Eastwood was 2, and hadn’t yet mastered not shitting himself. John Wayne was the original cowboy, a true American hero. To this day, when any man thinks of the west, the Wild West, or cowboys, they think John Wayne. This man is probably the manliest actor America has ever had. He could shit on Chuck Norris’ chest, and Norris couldn’t do a thing about it.

Come on, who doesn’t love this stud? Men and women alike can totally want this guy, it’s ok. I don’t mind.