The economy’s in the shitter, the stock market is the lowest it’s been in over a decade, and you lost your job as an overpaid paper-pusher. Poor you. Luckily enough, you managed to find a job making $30k a year on an assembly line. Don’t you dare say your job sucks. First of all, there are approximately 10 million Americans who, lacking any job at all, would gladly take your position and be happy for it. Second of all, as an overpaid paper-pusher, you probably worked somewhere in the pretend-money field known as markets and credit. You deserve to have been fired, this shit’s your fault. Fourthly, There are worse jobs you could be working, and I’m about to tell you about them. Fifthly, what the hell happened to thirdly?

7: Zoo Keeper

I know what you’re thinking, you’ve always dreamed of owning your own zoo. You know, for the shit throwing monkeys and the tiger rides. But zoo keepers don’t own zoos, they work there. The typical zoo keepers duties typically include cleaning elephant shit-mountains, cleaning windows in the penguin cage, and removing the flung monkey poo from sidewalks. Other duties include cleaning the bathrooms, standing at a ticket counter all day, and mowing the grass in the lion cage. The best part? You get paid an average of $18k a year for your troubles, and no insurance to replace any limbs lost to prey animals.

6: IRS Agent

You know those guys everyone hates, whose job it is to cause you grief? The ones who could bankrupt you simply because you put a comma or decimal in the wrong place on your taxes? The ones you hate just as much as I do? Yeah, feel that hate. Now imagine it directed toward you, only times 300 million. That’s how much their job sucks. They get paid to cause heartburn, make you second guess yourself, and smile politely while you cry as your house is seized for delinquent taxes. I can only imagine the shit that goes through those poor fellows’ heads. Which brings me to number 5…

5: Psychiatrist

In order to become a psychiatrist, you must have a college degree in a field that can only lead to employment as a psychiatrist. Want a different job, get a different degree. As a psychiatrist, your job is to sit and listen to people complain about their problems, their issues, their sad, pitiful lives day after day, week after week. They tell you how depressed they are, how depressing their lives are, and it eventually becomes depressing itself. In fact, this is the theory behind why psychiatrists have the highest suicide rate of any profession. They spend so much time listening to everyone elses problems, they can’t talk about their own. Plus, everyone else makes them feel so depressed, because of everyone elses depression, that it just gets too much to handle.

4: Carnie

Sure, every kid has dreamed of running away from home and joining the circus, carnival, or local gypsy troupe. Big dreams of swallowing swords, eating popcorn/candy apples, and performing on the trapeze. Hate to let you down kid, but that’s not how it goes. You see, the typical employee at these shows (meaning the 98% who aren’t the stars of the show) is the stereotypical carnie. The guys who look dirty, smell of cheap rum, grab your ass as you climb aboard a ride, and talk to themselves out loud. Their typical duties include operating the tilt-a-whirl, emptying the porta-potties, scrubbing vomit off the rides, and waxing the bearded lady’s back. Those who join this life get paid so little, they can hardly afford the boarding fees they pay the manager to live in a tent, and are essentially indentured servants. They get stuck with no way out, until a magical singing cricket saves them.

3: Mushroom Farmer

Not all farmers get to ride their sexy, sexy tractors, sing, wear flannel, and ride horses. Hell, some hardly even get to see the light of day. Those farmers are mushroom farmers. Mushrooms are grown in long, dark farm buildings where moisture and stagnant air build up. They are grown in what amounts to a horse/cow/worm shit combo, and must be picked by hand, since mushrooms are too delicate to be picked by machinery. Did I mention the smell? Anyone whose lived near a mushroom can testify to the atrocious stench they give off. Every once in a while, they vent all that musty, damp, poo-air into the atmosphere when they plant new batches, and it stinks up everything within about a 5 mile radius. If you work there, you get to smell that shit constantly, pun totally intended.

2: Life Guard at a Nude Beach

You may disagree with this one. You may say, “But Mr. Lord Scrovak, sir, what about all the women I would be able to legitimately gawk at?” Well, the same theory applies to nude beaches as nude colonies; those who attend, shouldn’t be seen nude. The largest majority of nude colony/beach attendees are those who feel most restricted by their clothes and the need to expand themselves: really fat people, and really old people. And I’m sure you wouldn’t want to spot either in the buff. Not to mention, if an old, flabby, sandy gross guy is drowning, you must go swim out to him, wrap your arms around him, pull him to shore, and give him mouth-to-mouth if necessary. If you don’t and he dies, you could be charged with manslaughter, since it’s your job.

1: Peep Show Janitor

Ok, so you may already agree on number one. At a peep show, men sit behind one-way mirrors where they watch strippers perform or have sex, and slap their salami to it. Well, after all that slapping, everythings gotta go somewhere. Most people who you’d find at such an establishment aren’t the kind I’d imagine cleaning up after themselves. You know what that means. Someone’s gotta do it. And trust me, they can’t pay enough to make that job worth the money.

Conclusion:

Sure your new position as the hot wing frier at Hooters isn’t really what you had in mind when you said your dream job was staring at fun bags all day, but lets look at the bright side.  You aren’t covered in shit, you aren’t cleaning jizz, and even though you’re miserable, you aren’t going to off yourself.

I’m John Scrovak and I write funny – You can read my last Cracked.com article here or add me on Facebook.