Before we get started I’m going to save about 1/3 of you the time it takes to write a comment.  Just copy and paste a generic one I’ve made here:

• Dude I bet you’ve never been laid fuckn loser
• Grow up douche bag these things are natural
• Ur never gonna get a gf fgt – ebaums4life

Moving right along – I’m going to explain why I’m writing this semi-juvenile (even for me) article.

I was getting my hair cut the other day by the girl who cuts my hair all the time.  Our conversations are usually fairly simply summed up – 30% whats new in your life, 45% humor, and 25% flirting.  Occasionally I’d drift off and have a quick reverse cowgirl or foreplay fantasy – until it happened.  As I leaned forward I accidentally peered into her garbage can and saw an empty box of vagisil.  Just like that, I was instantly turned off.

Before continuing, pretend you’re at your favorite super market, and you spot an attractive girl.  Upon getting closer, you see one of the following items in her cart.

Midol – To relieve painful cramps, headaches, and bloating.

Being near a woman when shes having a bad day is hell.  Now add a bunch of these symptons to the mix and you’re looking at a loose cannon.  No thanks – I’ll hit on her when she starts stuffing condoms into her grocery cart again next week.  For now, I’m steering clear.

Monistat 7 (combo pack) - From the description ‘7 day vaginal suppositories with reusable applicator’

Nothing will turn a boner inside out faster than the thought of some funk growing on your fantasy girl’s cookie.  Do yourself a favor and don’t do a google image search for yeast infection – because I just did, and now I want to kill myself.

Menstrual Panties – These can be found at Walmart and can double as a sleeping bag in most cases.

Ok but what do they do? I’m not a Sex Ed teacher so I’ll leave the educating up to Urban Dictionary.

Femanol – From the description: ‘Be Rid of vaginal odor and vaginal Discharge Odor Once and For All!’

In other words, kiss that stinky pinky goodbye (but not literally because that’s disgusting).

Tampons/Pads – There are a few turn off’s when you see a box of tampons in someone’s shopping cart.  The obvious one is: Even if you do hit it off, you’re not going to score (unless you’re into this sort of thing)

If we’re being 100% honest, I don’t know if the majority of men feel how I do.  I only asked my neighbor, and  he’s had sex with girls on Craigslist, so if he says it’s gross, then it has to be.

It’s possible that all of  the issues I have with feminine hygiene products spawned when I was psychologically butt fucked in 7th grade.   Sometimes during away games (basketball) we’d have to change in the opposing teams female locker room, which was usually fine since it didn’t take very long.  However, on this particular day some of my buddies called me over to one of the stalls.  Next to the stall on the wall, there was a small trash dispensor type thing.  One of my teamates was like “dude you have to open the lid and take a sniff, it’s awesome.”  So I did.  I almost died that day.  I had no idea that what I was sniffing was the tampon disposal.  Even today, I’ll get shivers thinking about what I exposed my nose to.

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