If you’re reading this and are a man, you probably have a penis. Since you have a penis, you primarily drink beer and whiskey. Good man. Manly man. When you go to a bar, however, beer all the time can get a bit boring, and you may be looking for something like a strong mixed drink. However, being the manly man you are, you’ve never ordered a mixed drink before, and don’t actually know what drinks are safe to order without risking penile deflation. Worry not, my friend. Read on, follow our guidelines, and we’ll show you what you can order to drink, and still be a manly man.
Irish Car Bomb
Hell even the name sounds manly. This drink is a shot glass filled with Irish Whiskey (preferably Jameson) with Baileys Irish Cream floated on top. The shot is then dropped into a glass of Guinness and downed. All Irish, contains both whiskey and stout beer. Definitely a man’s drink.
Jägerbomb
Another bomb? Could be a trend… A Jägerbomb is a drink in which the only liquor is Jägermeister. Basically you fill a glass with Red Bull energy drink, a very masculine bull-like energy drink, then drop in a shot full of Jägermeister and chug it. On a side note, Jägermeister is in my copy-paste clipboard because you can’t fucking type ä on a normal keyboard. Damn Germans.
Martini
Ok, so no trend. The primary reason a martini is on this list is because James Bond drinks them. Shaken, not stirred. Otherwise, this would be a pretty hoity-toity drink. But, because James Bond is so manly and cool, what with all the explosions and all (ok, maybe a trend), anything he drinks voluntarily has a degree of awesome to it. A martini is gin and vermouth, garnished with an olive. Though on occasion, its masculinity is insulted with a sliver of lemon peel.
Cosmopolitan
… Just kidding.
Hurricane
In the words of Alan Jackson, “Pour me something tall and strong, make it a Hurricane, before I go insane.” The man needs a damn stiff one. A Hurricane is a great answer. Jack Sparrow would appreciate this one, as it’s made with light rum, dark rum, passionfruit syrup, and lime juice. Since rum is the primary ingredient, and the drink was originally given away in New Orleans to sailors, this one has earned a spot on the list. Plus, it’s the manliest tropical drink you can get in Margaritaville.
Lynchburg Lemonade
Look at it, doesn’t it look refreshing? This tastey alternative to a boring old lemonade is made with Jack Daniels, Triple Sec, lime soda, and sour mix. It looks like lemonade, tastes like lemonade, contains whiskey, was (and is) sold as a cocktail by Jack Daniels, and is sold at Texas Roadhouse cowboy restaurants around the U.S. A cowboy’s lemonade, this is safe to drink anywhere, anytime. Even at 9:00am on a Sunday.
The above drinks are hereby ordained and established as fit for manly-man consumption by Regretful Morning. Well gentlemen, that’s it so far. Stay tuned, though. I’m going to be doing more “research” soon enough. I’ll add to the list, and perhaps even a story or two will come of this research.
I’m John Scrovak and I write funny – You can read my last Cracked.com article here or add me on Facebook.
March 17, 2009
#1
Jack n Coke!?
March 17, 2009
#2
Martini? Hoity-toity my ass! James Bond endorsement or not, it’s a way manlier drink than those sugary Jack and diets you drink!
March 17, 2009
#3
Ha, oh shit, it wasn’t Jason that wrote this….Sry dood!
March 17, 2009
#4
Jägerbomb? Really?.. haha, ok. do you put your purse down before you take the shot?
March 17, 2009
#5
Guilty as charged.
March 17, 2009
#6
Where the fuck are Adios Motherfuckers on this list?! A good one of those has about 6 shots worth of booze in it!
March 17, 2009
#7
Lunchburg Lemonade? What?
Did you maybe mean Lynchburg? As in Lynchburg, TN?
March 18, 2009
#8
Or maybe Lynchburg, VA?
March 17, 2009
#9
The only truly manly man drink on this list is a martini. Sure, it may have a reputation for snootiness, but that’s partly because of all the bastardized adaptations you see nowadays. Drink a few real ones and I guarantee you’ll get hit hard.
Everything else on this list, while somewhat manly (lunchburg lemonade isn’t), aren’t going to impress anyone, and while the hurricane may be the manliest tropical drink you can get, unless you are in the tropics, you will look like an absolute tool/pussy.
March 17, 2009
#10
Lynchburg Lemonade, you illiterate fuck.
March 17, 2009
#11
5 Mixed Drinks for Men: Martini (ok, sure), Manhattan, Daiquiri (the kind Hemingway drank: rum, lime juice, and a little bit of sugar), Gin and Tonic, and the Gin Rickey. Of course a man can also drink such fine concoctions as Negronis, Gimlets, and, oddly enough, the poorly named Pink Gin, which isn’t pink at all, being essentially a martini with the vermouth taken out and a little bit of bitters added in.
General Rules:
Anything with the word “bomb” in it are for frat kiddies, who are sub-men that may someday become men.
A hurricane is long and sweet, which is good, if you’re a woman.
The whatever lemonade is a teenagers drink, that is its an alcoholic drink that tastes like something else for children who don’t like the taste of alcohol.
Of course, the proper alternative for any man is the boilermaker aka a shot and a beer.
March 17, 2009
#12
Yeah that was kind of harsh, sorry.
Early morning, hungover, have to go to work.
Still… Lunchberg?
March 17, 2009
#13
A whiskey and soda is manly.
Not tonic, soda.
March 17, 2009
#14
No worries hes got thick skin – Thanks for pointing it out! /fixed
March 17, 2009
#15
Indeed, no tonic with whiskey. Why waste good whiskey by mixing with soda, though?
March 17, 2009
#16
Do you like your Jagerbomb chased with a cosmopolitan?
March 17, 2009
#17
The oldest is still the best in any of it’s incarnations. The Sazarac
March 17, 2009
#18
To Hermanthenongerman:
You said: “Anything with the word “bomb” in it are for frat kiddies”……
Hmmm. Sorry bub, but you’re obviously a light beer whore or you’d be able to take a real Irish drink. Next time, trade in your Miller for some Guinness. Spend a little extra cash for some class and drink with the big boys.
You also said: “Of course, the proper alternative for any man is the boilermaker aka a shot and a beer.”
Gee, wonder what a car-bomb is? I guess because it has a half-shot of Irish cream you think it’s a kiddie-drink. If you were a true man, you’d know that it was there to make the beer curdle if you didn’t drink it (gasp!!!) FAST enough. So you just go right back to your yella-beer boilermakers. Leaves more REAL beer for me. Cheers ; )
March 17, 2009
#19
Yeah you’re really Irish, Johnny. Fact of the matter is that if you were in Ireland and asked for an Irish car-bomb, the bar tender would tell you to “fuck off.” Irish car-bombs are as Irish as green beer, Killians, and plastic shamrocks. It’s a frat boy drink.
You want to be Irish, drink a Guinness or Beamish or, drink a dram of Red Breast or Powers. Drink one with other as a chaser and you have the boilermaker. Considering I was silent on the type of beer I drink, you seem to be talking out your ass. I suppose that would be in keeping with your philosophy of “hey it’s got Irish in the name, shucks it must be Irish,” you Bailey’s drinking, twinkle-toed abortion.
March 17, 2009
#20
The manliest mixed drink there is is the Rusty Nail. Equal parts scotch and Drambuie, it is astonishingly powerful yet never gives you whiskey face.
March 17, 2009
#21
Ah, the Rusty Nail is the deadliest drink. Manly, yeah. Devastating. Yeah. You are mixing a sugar based liquor with the manly scotch, a whiskey of high alcohol content. Straight to the brain. And, hangover? Oh, yeah.
March 17, 2009
#22
Oh, what is a “whiskey face?” My imagination is running wild. Flushed? Broken capillaries? Glazed over dumbfounded look?
March 17, 2009
#23
I think this list should have been titled “five mixed drinks I’m willing to drink and try backing up because I enjoy them”. There are MUCH more many mixed drinks than most on here. How a Hurricane and Mike’s Hard lemonade is listed and Manhattans are not is beyond me.
March 17, 2009
#24
What about the white russian, a drink for sophisticated dudes everywhere?
March 17, 2009
#25
jagerbombs are for bitches…
March 17, 2009
#26
I don’t think drinking something that looks like a big glass of white milk is really going to make you look manly to many people
March 17, 2009
#27
Whoa, rough manly crowd. Misspell and your knuckles will smart!
Vodka Martini can be added to the list. Bond would approve. Manhattan as well.
As a wizened bar tender, you are OK, except for the Jägerbomb, Hurricane and Lynchburg Lemonade. All of those fall into the same category as the Pink Cadillac, Pink Squirrel, White Russian . . . Liquor is quicker, that is, a drink ordered by the male for the female companion.
March 17, 2009
#28
Um…hello. A sazerac?! THE original mixed drink and it’s made from rye whiskey and absinthe. THAT is a man’s drink
March 17, 2009
#29
of course you can.
http://www.starr.net/is/type/altnum.htm
March 17, 2009
#30
All you assholes knocking on jager bombs need to get out of your over sized trucks and set down your police issued tazers. My dick is plenty big enough so i have no problem downing a bottle of jager in a bar without feeling embarrased.
March 17, 2009
#31
And on another note i had to cut back on the jager because i always end up mocking the manliest man in the bar due to being extremely wasted and annoyed with his tough guy antics and small dick. Then the next day I feel bad for putting my elbow through his eye socket/
March 17, 2009
#32
Hurricane?
Son… Ain’t nothing with fruit in it anywhere close to being a Mans drink.
Or anything that must be made in a blender… and I don’t give a rats backside who sang about it.
Just for the record….
The internet is where real men come to get drunk fast and we don’t need your kind hanging out trying to give the place atmosphere.
March 17, 2009
#33
@JagerMaster
Don’t you mean “your head through his fist”?
Tool
March 17, 2009
#34
jager-bombs are for frat boys. period. if you enjoy them you’re either in a frat, wish you were in a frat, or act like you’re already in a frat even though you aren’t.
hurricane and alky lemonade are bitch drinks. sorry. in fact, that lemonade crap is like half a step away from being Mike’s Hard Bitch Drink. the only difference is the source of the alcohol, but thats not much of a difference.
come on though, where’s the support for your classic speak-easy era drinks? the Manhattan is a cocktail of booze mixed with more booze. its like a Martini but stronger. or how about a Tom Collins, which is like a Lynchburg Lemonade except for men not bitches.
or how about a god damn Gin and Tonic? the british used to drink those while they were out conquering the whole fuckin world. “tonic for the malaria, gin for the natives.” as they would say.
less bitch drinks and less frat-boy idiot drinks. more drinks for real men please.
March 17, 2009
#35
FAIL .. so fail. Dropping a shot in a beer is sort of a mixed drink but should it really be considered one. What about a vodka cranberry… it’s not feminine. What about a Long Island Iced Tea.. I can’t even think about this horrible page any longer.. I want to punch the author in the neck. I hate you
March 17, 2009
#36
To heck with anybody who thinks they can define what “manly” men do.
A real man doesn’t follow the pre-chewed ideas of some clown who fancies himself an authority on what’s masculine and what’s not. A real man makes his own decisions about what he likes, and doesn’t worry too much about the opinions of others.
Which means the guy who always drinks nothing but the “manly” drink, smokes nothing but the “manly” cigar, drives nothing but the “manly” car, owns nothing but the “manly” dog … isn’t that much of a man. He’s a shameless follower of brainless trends, too weak to make up his own mind and stick to it.
Only a wimp would seek the approval of officious idiots.
March 18, 2009
#37
What about a MIND ERASER? tastes good, packs a punch and you power them down FAST!
That’s how we roll in the 831
“Live fast, die young and leave a good corpse!”
March 18, 2009
#38
This list is totally retarded. Save for the martini, these are all drinks you get in celebration of the bouncer being fooled by your fake ID.
Cheers to the Manhattan, the Negroni and the Sazerac. Drinks that reveal a man of taste.
March 18, 2009
#39
Jagerbombs are not manly. for starters you take a shot – previously the least manly way of consuming alcohol, as you don’t have to taste it – and then mix it with a soft drink.
regardless, i personally dont give a shit what peoples opinions on drinks are because i’ll drink whatever i want anyway and the only possible reason another man would even think about it is if he wanted to get it on with my sexy ass.
but for those who care shots/ bombs are definately the least manly.
March 18, 2009
#40
Congrats, you’re a fag.
March 18, 2009
#41
try the Hobgoblin – a cocktail I made while drunk and is now used to get drunk. It is bright green.
1 shot tequila
1 shot vodka
1 shot bacardi
1 shot triple sec
1 shot midori
1 shot blur curacao
add crushed ice and mix with 1/2 lemonade 1/2 pub squash in a pint glass (most places in Australia can’t serve a drink with more than 2.5 standard drinks so we usually order shots and mix it ourselves)
Make jugs of it at a party and watch everyone get fucked up, heh.
March 18, 2009
#42
Never mind the opinions of the sausage fest on what makes a manly mixed drink.
A manly mixed drink could also can mean:
1) Ordering a pretty milky-green grasshopper on the rocks in a dive bar
(to bait some redneck into picking a fight with ya.)
2) Drinking a jack and coke while riding a mechanical bull at a country bar.
(after insulting the bull operator to increase the riding difficulty)
3) Making fountain drink suicides at a fast food joints.
(remember, diet sodas are for pussies, and caffeine will grow hair on your chest)
These sorts of displays will surely cause all other men to want to be you, and the
hottest of women to want to do you. I know it worked for me!! For more information
please send $19.95 to ……
But in all seriousness, dirty gin martinis, Long Islands, and White Russians, grasshopppers
and screwdrivers are mixed drinks I usually order the most in a bar. I only really notice
weird looks in reaction to the grasshopper orders.
I’d order Mai Tai’s more if I could get a real Trader’s style one vs. bastardized version with
rum and pineapple or coconut juice in it. I think a trader Vic’s style Mai Tai is one of the best
and most well thought out drinks ever made. It might be more popular if it didn’t require
orgeat syrup which is tough to find at most bars.
March 18, 2009
#43
Jager is for kids.
Red Bull is for kids.
Novelty drinks that involve dropping shots into something else are for kids.
Hurricanes are for when you’re actually in Nawlins.
White Russians are for dessert. Or for people who can’t handle the taste of alcohol. In other words, kids.
March 18, 2009
#44
Manhattan….Amen to that!
March 18, 2009
#45
Cucaracha
In a shot glass, pour equal parts:
tequila, rum, vodka, khalua
light the concoction on fire, let it burn for a few seconds until you see a blue flame, then chug the motherfucker. (use a straw if you’re a pussy…)
Enjoy!
March 18, 2009
#46
“Irish car bomb”? There’s nothing “manly” about terrorists. The IRA are cowardly subhumans.
March 18, 2009
#47
The dude abides!
March 18, 2009
#48
One can only assume that Mike’s Hard Cranberry was #6.
March 18, 2009
#49
1. rusty nail
2. sidecar
3. manhattan (man is in the name of the drink even)
4. a real martini (with vodka or gin, not flavored liqour)
5. mint julep (a southern gentleman’s drink)
these are real drink’s. you probably never heard of them, except for the martini, so go out and try them:)
March 18, 2009
#50
dB andHerman-nonGemain are right.
You all drink like little girls!
WTF! What ball-less wonder taught you to drink?
Sad, sad, that this is what a “Real Man” has become.
You are why they made Zima.
The author can’t be older than 25.
Men drink:
Rob Roy, Old Fashion, or Scotch and 1 cube of ice.
March 18, 2009
#51
Umm. I’m sorry but a Bloody Mary is manly even if it has a girls name in the title. Especially if consumed before 10:00AM after a bender.
March 18, 2009
#52
Most of you guys are ridiculous. Ooo, I’m going to talk hard and try to sound cool to all of the internet. A drink is a drink. Drink what you like and have fun, they will all get you to the same destination. If you’re drinking something weak then it’s just going to take you longer to get there.
March 18, 2009
#53
Black Russians (with Starbucks Coffee Liqueur). Just cuz you’re a man doesn’t mean you can’t have class. Remember that you bunch small-penis-compensating, overly-”manly”, douchebags.
March 18, 2009
#54
Long Island Iced Tea. Equal parts vodka, gin, tequila, rum and triple sec, with a splash of cola for color. That’s FOUR different types of booze in a glass with hardly any mixer at all. MANLY!
March 18, 2009
#55
The Jagerbomb is not a manly drink, as others have said. it’s a sissy nancy boy drink for guys who are pretending to be cool.
And you neglected the Screwdriver. It’s simple, and the perfect breakfast drink. And if anyone gives you shit for drinking it, you just say “coming down with something, covering my bases. The vitamin c will help if it’s scurvy (a very manly disease), and the alcohol will help kill what’s giving me the shits. That’s why I’m drinking 20″.
March 18, 2009
#56
The Screwdriver, anyone?
March 18, 2009
#57
My god this list sucks. No creativity whatsoever. Try a rusty nail next time. Scotch on the rocks with a splash of Drambuie. Strong, tasty, and it’s a real man’s “mixed” drink.