If you’re reading this and are a man, you probably have a penis. Since you have a penis, you primarily drink beer and whiskey. Good man. Manly man. When you go to a bar, however, beer all the time can get a bit boring, and you may be looking for something like a strong mixed drink. However, being the manly man you are, you’ve never ordered a mixed drink before, and don’t actually know what drinks are safe to order without risking penile deflation. Worry not, my friend. Read on, follow our guidelines, and we’ll show you what you can order to drink, and still be a manly man.
Irish Car Bomb
Hell even the name sounds manly. This drink is a shot glass filled with Irish Whiskey (preferably Jameson) with Baileys Irish Cream floated on top. The shot is then dropped into a glass of Guinness and downed. All Irish, contains both whiskey and stout beer. Definitely a man’s drink.
Jägerbomb
Another bomb? Could be a trend… A Jägerbomb is a drink in which the only liquor is Jägermeister. Basically you fill a glass with Red Bull energy drink, a very masculine bull-like energy drink, then drop in a shot full of Jägermeister and chug it. On a side note, Jägermeister is in my copy-paste clipboard because you can’t fucking type ä on a normal keyboard. Damn Germans.
Martini
Ok, so no trend. The primary reason a martini is on this list is because James Bond drinks them. Shaken, not stirred. Otherwise, this would be a pretty hoity-toity drink. But, because James Bond is so manly and cool, what with all the explosions and all (ok, maybe a trend), anything he drinks voluntarily has a degree of awesome to it. A martini is gin and vermouth, garnished with an olive. Though on occasion, its masculinity is insulted with a sliver of lemon peel.
Cosmopolitan
… Just kidding.
Hurricane
In the words of Alan Jackson, “Pour me something tall and strong, make it a Hurricane, before I go insane.” The man needs a damn stiff one. A Hurricane is a great answer. Jack Sparrow would appreciate this one, as it’s made with light rum, dark rum, passionfruit syrup, and lime juice. Since rum is the primary ingredient, and the drink was originally given away in New Orleans to sailors, this one has earned a spot on the list. Plus, it’s the manliest tropical drink you can get in Margaritaville.
Lynchburg Lemonade
Look at it, doesn’t it look refreshing? This tastey alternative to a boring old lemonade is made with Jack Daniels, Triple Sec, lime soda, and sour mix. It looks like lemonade, tastes like lemonade, contains whiskey, was (and is) sold as a cocktail by Jack Daniels, and is sold at Texas Roadhouse cowboy restaurants around the U.S. A cowboy’s lemonade, this is safe to drink anywhere, anytime. Even at 9:00am on a Sunday.
The above drinks are hereby ordained and established as fit for manly-man consumption by Regretful Morning. Well gentlemen, that’s it so far. Stay tuned, though. I’m going to be doing more “research” soon enough. I’ll add to the list, and perhaps even a story or two will come of this research.
I’m John Scrovak and I write funny – You can read my last Cracked.com article here or add me on Facebook.
March 18, 2009
#1
You can drink almost anything and people won’t say shit….as long as you don’t drink it through a straw. You can put a straw in jet fuel and people will think you’re a momma’s boy. NO STRAWS.
March 18, 2009
#2
pfft… jagerbombs…. get over it kids…. we like to throw out the jager for the more hairychested bacardu 151 proof…. we call ti the donkeypunch, try it you might like it, if you remember it
March 18, 2009
#3
damnit i hate spelling errors in posts…
December 21, 2009
#4
As any good barteneder would say (which I am) it never matters what kind of drink you order no one will question your masculinity just as long as you tip good, are with a hot girl with big tits and chase every drink with a shot of whiskey!!
March 18, 2009
#5
what about white russians i mean the dude drinks them so if jeff bridges i mean MR lebowski can drink them any man can
March 18, 2009
#6
Seriously dude no Brandy Old Fashions or White Russians pt Alabama Slammas??? You sound like you don’t know your manly drinks.
March 19, 2009
#7
Try: A shot of Tequilla and lime in the top of your Corona
March 19, 2009
#8
totally forgot seven and seven. 2/3 whiskey 1/3 7 up delish
March 19, 2009
#9
To Hermanthenongerman (drinking god):
“Fact of the matter is that if you were in Ireland and asked for an Irish car-bomb, the bar tender would tell you to ‘fuck off.’”…..
Really? You had that happen to you? Oh wait, Mr. Perfect, guess not. You must be my drinking god because you seem to know it all. I honestly would tell you to go fuck yourself, but what’s the point? You’d still be a shining negative example of the Downing principle. And even if you did realize that you are just a washed-up hater whose only real *talent* is giving the other people on the internet something to laugh about, you’d never have the bullocks to admit it. As I said before, you are now my drinking god. All hail the great Hermanthenongerman!
“You want to be Irish, drink a Guinness or Beamish or, drink a dram of Red Breast or Powers.”
Had ‘em… But you’re right. Mackeson triple doesn’t count. Nor does drinking your mug as a shot. But as I said, you’re perfect.
“Considering I was silent on the type of beer I drink, you seem to be talking out your ass.”
Hmmm, let’s see, last time I talked out of my ass, I think I was mentioning your mum ; )
Just playin, but one has to wonder how you were raised based on your comments. Sorry McUnfuckyou, but YOU were the one who mentioned abortion first. Could it have been based on an unsuccessful experience?
I suppose that would be in keeping with your philosophy of “hey it’s got Irish in the name, shucks it must be Irish,”……
Ooooo, wow. You ARE a genius! When exactly did I say, “hey it’s got Irish in the name, shucks it must be Irish”? No, come on. Tell me. Oh wait, you can’t.
…”you Bailey’s drinking, twinkle-toed abortion.
Yep, got that right too! Oh, um I mean the Bailey’s drinking part. Well, you know…. you have to be MAN ENOUGH to admit that one. But as I said, it’s totally cool because it’s alright, and you are a perfect drinking god.
Now, while you sit there at home thinking of some clever way to insult me (again) because you obviously don’t have much self-control and can’t take it when someone defends a drink, I will be forgetting about this conversation and having fun knowing that my ignoring you will piss you off even more.
As I said before, Cheers ; )
March 19, 2009
#10
I don’t know about you, but there’s nothing like a good Bloody Mary with extra tobasco in the morning to go with my eggs.
March 21, 2009
#11
I am not a man, but I liked the drinks a lot!
March 24, 2009
#12
Tequilla and lime in a Corona. We call that the old depth charge. Good stuff. Don’t even know whats happening.
March 31, 2009
#13
You guys want a MAN’S drlnk?Come to GOA in India(If you know where that is!!) and have a shot of pure Cashew Feni and chase it with a chilled Kingfisher Beer. Give it a shot and get back to me.
March 31, 2009
#14
Yes, you can type ä on a ANY keyboard, you just have to be NOT AN AMERICAN to know it.
Err, I mean, your IQ must be at least over 89. Trick is in pressing Shift+ Tilda, then any letter you want.
April 13, 2009
#15
How can you forget the drink cocktail glasses were made for, an american classic and one of the most manly drinks of all times the MANhattan
2 parts Rye (or bourbon) 1 part sweet vermouth 1 dash bitters, shaken & served up, cherry optional
April 15, 2009
#16
Hurricane<Zombie
April 18, 2009
#17
@author- Alt plus the numbers 132 on your numeric keypad make an ä on a “normal keyboard”.
April 19, 2009
#18
Whiskey Sour, Scotch and Soda, and even perhaps a Scotch and water are all extremely manly mixed drinks…
another fine example of the wanton destruction of journalism
April 21, 2009
#19
Jagerbombs – really? I don’t think you can drink anything containing Jägermeister, including Jagermeister straight up, and appear manly. You can’t even appear to be of legal drinking age. It’s in a class with Sloe Gin. ‘Might as well have an umbrella in drink.
April 21, 2009
#20
A 300 pound German hunter just threw his glass at the wall.
May 2, 2009
#21
Manhattans
July 11, 2009
#22
You forgot a very manly drink with the best name ever: Adios Mother Fucker(s)!
The recipes vary, but I use 1 part gin, 1p vodka, 1p white rum, 1p tequila, 2p blue pucker, and top it off with a splash of 7up.
It may be bright blue, but it definately does justice to it’s name.
July 15, 2009
#23
heh and the best part about lemonade….. it makes you thirsty for more!
September 13, 2010
#24
You forgot some other mix drinks that are manly badass: Fucking Cool, Zombie, Adios Motherfucker and black and white.
And mixing energy drinks with alcohol? Come on, thats like mixing coolaid with rum… just no..
February 24, 2011
#25
The Snakebite is a good ,and easier, alternative to the Lynchburg Lemonade: a shot of Yukon Jack and 1/4 or so of lime juice to taste, preferably with fresh lime and prepared by an attractive, large-breasted, braless (or topless) bartender. I love watching them mash it and then shake them/it around. Mmmm… my second favorite. My favorite, of course, is a shot of Yukon fished from between the (again) large breasts of a stripper with NO HANDS!!!
March 2, 2011
#26
This article is busted. Jagerbombs and car bombs? Not for grown men. Maybe on your 21st birthday. The only possible one of these that might work is a Martini. Others that should be on here are gin and tonic, gin rickey, manhattan, scotch/scotch and soda/scotch and water, vodka tonic, white or black russian, whiskey sour, maybe a rum and coke. maybe.