Jason Voorhees: Crazy mother fucker who slaughters people, with a mangled face and a cool hockey mask OR a misguided soul, who could have completely changed his lifestyle with some TLC from a puppy?
In honor of Friday the 13th we’re going to hop in our time capsule, give him a puppy, and take a look at a few examples of how life might have been.
Pro Hedge Sculptor – Would channeling all of that extra energy into something positive convert Jason from mean and dangerous into a lovable hedge sculptor? We’d like to say yes.
Farm Worker – Bless his heart. He worked hard from sun up till sun down. Sadly, one day he slipped on some loose straw and accidentally fell head first on an axe. His puppy was so sad that he died as well. They now frolic from cloud to cloud in the after life together.
Irrigation Expert – Using his pup to spot hard to miss areas of clogged irrigation ditches, Mr. Voorhees eventually becomes the number one go to guy for all types of aqua landscaping.
Best in Show Champ – Not one, not two, but three year defending best in show champ. He named his pup Albert (they live in the suburbs).
Normal Kid – Instead of having to be around evil children at summer camp, Jason stayed home teaching his puppy awesome tricks. At age 12 he gets reconstructive surgery, at 16 a car, and at 18 a girlfriend. All 3 of them now happily live together.
Reality Check – As nice as it sounds, all of the above would never happen. Sure, we’d like to fart out Unicorns and shit golden nuggets but this is Jason Voorhees we’re talking about.
The only difference you’d see by adding a puppy is a once 2 hour movie, cropped into 15 minutes of carnage. You see, Jason is slow – a lot of lucky teens got away by running. Well dogs are fucking fast, so he’d just let go of the leash, and his his pooch would take a few chunks out them until he caught up. If you want happy, get the Disney channel.