At a press conference held in Kabul today, Karim Abdul Jebip, spokesman for all the peoples of Islam, announced a major translation error in the Qur’an.

Karim Abdul Jebip

Taking time to look deep into each TV camera present, Jebip apologized profusely to all of the western world for terrorist attacks in the name of Allah. “While it is a radical sect of Islam we don’t support,” Jebip stated, “Their continued hatred of western civilization stems from a mistranslation of the original text of the Qur’an, a fault entirely ours.”

Jebip went on to say the entire context of the Qur’an is completely reversed, and at the mistranslation of a single word. Jihad, he stated, does in fact mean holy war. During the drafting of the original Qur’an, however, the writers were so painfully lacking in caffeine that, when working into the night, their handwriting became less and less legible. “The word we have all translated as ‘Jihad,’ or holy war” Jebip announced with a humbled fervor, “was reinvestigated by my staff. After a discovery, and several hundred double-checks, we realized ‘Jihad’ was originally printed ‘Jibad.’ While it is no excuse, the reason this mistranslation held out so long is because the end of the ‘h’ sort of went too far to the left, giving it the appearance of a ‘b.’ The word Jibad, a long abandoned ancient word, would translate to an orgy-based party. I’ll take some questions now.”

MSNBC: “Mr. Jebip, how did this error go unnoticed so long?”

KAJ: “In all honesty, it is quite possible one of the radicals of Islam actually noticed the error in a few of the words, but had the audacity to change each and every word in the rest of the Qur’an.”

REGRETFUL MORNING: “Mr. Jebip, what does this mean for those Islamic militants fighting US troops? According to the newly rediscovered original text, how should they treat American forces?”

KAJ: “In accordance with the Qur’an, American forces who sought to liberate Afghanistan from Osama Bin Laden should have been greeted with a 3-week festival of hookah, peace pipes, and scantily-clad gyrating women.”

FOX NEWS: “Mr. Abdul, is it true you had sexual relations with Simon Cowell?”


KAJ: “Who, wha? No, what are- Abdul’s my middle name. You go to hell, Fox News.”

CNN: “Mr. Jebip, does this revelation change the attire and general attitude toward Middle Eastern women?”

KAJ: “No. The punishment is still death for those ankle-showin’ slutty bitches. However, during a Jibad, all those laws are temporarily set aside.”

ASSOCIATED PRESS: “Mr. Jebip, how should Islamic fighters act now, after having been fighting for so long?”

KAJ: “Thank you, that brings me to my next point. In light of the recent revelations, and the fact that we all could sure as hell use it, consumption of alcohol is now permitted under Muslim law.”

RM: “Mr. Jebip, does that mean there will be a new market in the Middle East for alcohol?”

KAJ: “When we first decided on the overturning of the ban on alcohol, we contacted the National Beer Wholesalers Association in the US and they are now the only nation permitted to import alcohol.”

FOX NEWS: “Karim, we have reports you sodomized the prime ministers cat. How do you respond to that?”

KAJ: “I wha? No, that’s not- Someone get this bitch out of here.”

RM: “Mr. Abdul, do you expect this to be a large source of income for the United States?”

KAJ: “Indeed I do. In fact, from what I’ve learned, we could throw back enough booze to bring the US right out of it’s recession. That will be all. Thank you.”

You heard it here first folks. There will be no more holy war in the Middle East, women’s rights were almost granted, Fox News got put in their place, and we can expect an end to the recession shortly. That’s one hell of a news day. Reporting (half intoxicated) from Kabul, I’m John Scrovak with Regretful Morning.