9 Bizarre Methods Once Used to Wipe (Ass)
February 17, 2009 · Print This Article
We’ve all been a situation where someone forgot to restock the toilet paper. Thankfully, we can usually get around this situation by banging on the stall door “Hey need a little TP here please.” If you’re at home with no TP, you might even skip wiping completely by hopping in the shower, spreading your butt cheeks, and letting the warm water do the rest.
Our ancestors weren’t that lucky. We’re going to take a look at some items that were actually used, when it came time to clean up a crack, after a deuce had been dropped.
Lambs Wool – When the Vikings weren’t destroying stuff they were eating, drinking, and shitting. Not having anything to wipe with was never really an issue. They’d simply do what they do best (slaughter something), take the wool, and throw the rest in a stew. Seconds please.
Frayed Anchor Line – “Ahoy matey! Me have to wipe my butt taaaaarrr.” Thats right, sailors and pirates often resorted to the frayed ropes from sails and anchor lines. We can only imagine what one of those looked like after a handful of uses.
Stones – The Greeks made use of their surroundings by picking up smooth rocks and stones. Seeing that perfect rock to skip across a pond may have sparked an inner monologue.
- Dude this rock is going to skip a pond like a mofo, I should get at least 5 hops out of it.
- Wait, I may have to take a dump later.
- Screw it I’ll toss this one into the lake, and find another one if I have to shit.
- On second thought, breakfast is starting to knock at the backdoor – skipping stones can wait.
Sponge Sticks – Ancient Romans were pretty open about where they pinched a loaf. They also didn’t mind placing something into their buttocks which had recently cleaned up another mans number two. After wiping with a sponge that was attached to a stick, they would place the sponge back into a bowl of saltwater. Using saltwater is much more sanitary when it comes to using recycled poo sponges.
Corncobs – So you thought that corncobs were only used to plug an orifice when it came to Japanese porn right? Wrong. In the wild wild west you might have been stuck using a corn cob. You never hear a cowboy say “Hey Earl that gun fight scared the shit out of me.” That isn’t because hes tough. They knew that they should only drop the kids off at the pool when they absolutely needed to, for a raw rump was on the horizon.
Hemp – For those of you reading who enjoy the herb, you may want to skip this one. As shocking as it may sound, the French often used hemp. In their defense, this wasn’t the kind that is being enjoyed at this very moment, by the campus stoners under a large oak tree.
Coconut Shells – Hawaiians really did some out of the box thinking when they decided that coconut shells would be their TP of choice. Why settle for soft ocean sea weed when you can really get up in there with a jagged coconut shell?
Tundra Moss – Eskimos, much like the sailors really didn’t have a lot to work with. Luckily, the vast tundra plains are covered in a relatively soft moss. And if we’re being completely logical, you really wouldn’t have to gather the moss if nature gave you a call, while outside. Simply drag your turd cutter across the moss once you have finished (sort of like a dog with worms on your moms white carpet).
Left Hand – Mideastern cultures found it acceptable to wipe with their left hand. This method is often still practiced in India. Why the left hand? Because touching shit with your right hand was supposedly disgusting (while rifling through your dingle berries with your left was fine). If you visited India today you may even find yourself in a situation where there isn’t any TP. The only difference is: Instead of tossing some paper under your stall – the guy next to you might mutter:
– (which translated means “I feel you dog”) before cramming his left hand into his crack.
Conclusion: Next time you’re about to burst a blood vessel because your roommate didn’t restock the WC, be creative – you’ve got a lot of options. You may even give the old left hand a try, shortly before handling his toothbrush.
Hell, why waste time even wiping. Just pull up the your draws and it’ll take care of itself.
hindi is wrong (for- I feel you dog) and you wash with water not toilet paper (left hand is an old thing, even then water was used)
I used google translator – can you enlighten me please?
The classic “Gargantua and Pantagruel” by Rabelais, tells the story of the young Gargantua discovering the pleasure of using the neck of a (live) swan.
Lefthand : Yes , but water is missing . both in middle east and India when there is no paper , WATER and left hand are used , water is missing from Top Info .
intersting account. Just to clarify on Indian way. Since India is and has been an agriculture based country, it was very usual to shot in the fields as the excreta will turn to natural manure. People will carry a bottle of water and their “left hand” to clean off. Now after that there were enclosed areas for shitting but the system was totally different than the western ones involving sitting in a different posture as on sitting on a seat. And still the water +LH was used. Now with modern times we do see western seats at many places, some also have the toilett paperfor usage but more interestingly some have in built water nozzel, so the LH can be used to clean. Actually cleaning with water is considered more Eco friendly and hygenic.
The left hand. It’s actually called a squidget! haha, and thats also why people shake hands with thier right! and its like impolite to give someone a left handed shake.
I wanted to inform you that Hemp contains no significant amounts of THC and thus is not considered the same thing as marijuana in the terms of drug use. If smoked, hemp will not get you high.
You little comment about French using the same stuff people use to get high to wipe their butts is incorrect and makes you sound uninformed on the properties of a plant that was used for MANY industrialized (and other) uses since ancient times. One of which was NOT smoking to get high.
HEMP is not equal to MARIJUANA.
Learn to read fuck stick “In their defense, this wasn’t the kind that is being enjoyed at this very moment, by the campus stoners under a large oak tree”
To add to the fodder about the left hand business:
Toilet paper can still clog plumbing in many countries, thus the water/hose method is still used. I lived in the Middle East for some time, and the hose was actually pretty refreshing. Never got poo on my hands, but felt extra-fresh (and still washed my hands).
What about the three seashells!
Good job showing maturity in your response. “fuck stick”, you take that term from this very article or something?
Since you like to pull direct quotes out to try to help you make your point, I was referring to this, “For those of you reading who enjoy the herb, you may want to skip this one.”
Kind of implies that smokers would get offended that someone would use the beloved plant they smoke to wipe their ass when in fact there is no applicable reason for a stoner to get upset about an industrialized plant-material being used for one of its many purposes. A slight sentence about it not being the same “kind” that is being smoked now doesn’t imply the author had any knowledge of the existing biological differences between marijuana and hemp, or their corresponding difference in use.
Don’t back peddle, you can obviously tell I know the difference between marijuana and hemp. You just read the first sentence and ran to the comment button. Fuck stick was harsh, hug it out?
While in India I was realizing that TP wasnt there.. at which point i was wondering what denomination of rupee was the softest.
man, you are just being a dick
I used to never bother to wipe my ass back when I was a homeless rodeo clown but not any more. Now I am a world class magician !
OK, there is a reason for amputating the left hand of a thief in the Middle East.
As the left is used for wiping and the right for eating, the lack of a left hand wiper means that one must wipe and eat with the same hand. Yuk.
No ur wrong about the Middle Eastern thing lemme explain. We used and continue to use our left hands with WATER to clean our ass. The Prophet (PBUH) used to do this and so this is now done by all Muslims of all ethnicities. In my house I have a watering pot in every bathroom that we use to clean our ass with, and so does any other Arab or Muslim household. And for all you that think this is disgusting, I think ur nasty as hell just wipin with toilet paper then walkin around with shit still in between ur asscheeks. I get so disgusted when I have to use a public bathroom and don’t have water to clean with.
I have a legitimate question: So you dip your left hand into the water, then clean? Or do you do it multiple times? Also how often does a watering pot get changed in a house hold?
No i think you misunderstood. You pour the water down on ur ass from the back or front and wash ur ass with the water that ur pouring out. I just said watering pot cause I thought that’s what the things are called that you water flowers and plants with. But it’s just something to pour water, like a water bottle could be used, anything,you pour the water and clean ur ass with ur left hand. Then you wash ur hands.
I get it now thanks. Sort of like a manual Bidet.
they also used to use geese to wipe, when it was still living
oh snap! seriously, i’m a stoner and thought that guy was retarded, no way to represent the community…
I enjoyed the article thoroughly, btw, thank you. i thought through the roman thing a little too far, but it was still all good. (and the corncob thing… my fault, i’m sure, for having watched too much jap porn)
Good to hear Will, take a few bong rips for me.
What about the two shells?
Think about this: If a bird shit on your arm, would you rub it in with paper, or wash it off with water?
George Costanza would be so proud…
Joe, It’s the three shells
I eat lots of veggies and fruit so 95% of the time I don’t need to wipe my ass at all
. I guess that in the old times, people did the same.
In ancient time, the first humanoids called Phoo’s, used to wipe their ass with the other creatures of the forest. They especially loved using live rabbits.
Now, the deal was that if an animal got shat upon by a phoo, he must never wipe it off. If the rabbit or squirrel wiped the feces off, the Phoo would notice and then become enraged and beat the animal senseless. After a severe mauling the Phoo would crap again on the poor rabbit or whatever, using it as toilet paper. So all the animals that got caught by the Phoo, had to wear the shiite that covered their fir. Never washing, lest they get a severe beating.
MORAL OF THE STORY; If the phoo shits, wear it.
Jason – very insightful!
If you had waited until the 1st of April this article it would have been incredulous.
Yeah… A good diet is half the trick. Never need to wipe my ass when I was eating nuts, seeds, etc. (high protein)
A quite literal translation would be, “Main tumhe mehsoos karta hoon, kutte” or “Main tum par haath laga raha hoon, kutte”(presented in the English alphabet). The second one literally translates into, “I am putting my hand on you, dog”.
That, of course, doesn’t convey the meaning you want to convey. It’s not even correct grammar in Hindi.
A correct translation of the sentiment would be, “Teri baat meri samajh mein aa rahi hai” (I can understand what you’re saying).
Oh, you missed out ocean waves. A lot of shoreside along the Indian subcontinent has people pinching loaves near the sea. Then water from the waves are used to clean up with, yes, the left hand.
Thanks for the translation!
If the Western world wipe their ass, how do they wash it? Wet wipes?
Some people carry those, but usually you just wipe with dry paper, then wash hands after.
Using hand is common mid Arabs and Turks too
What about the two shells??
When you live on a farm away from a store you learn to wash your ass with a hose after each dump! I even do this in my house to stay clean! People at sea have a big toilet with water to wash their ass!
Sounds like a plan to save on toilet paper and get a clean butt to boot!
Joe, It’s the three shells..
Wetwipes anyone?
Hey, Jason
Hindi Is Wrong. Google Translator Does screw up some times. But Good compilation man.
Touching poo gets finger full of shit
Toughing poo gives stinky finger
Touching poo gets finger full of shit.
so, once your ass is all dripping wet (and hopefully shit-free) what stops the water from soaking into your pants and underwear and making it look like you sat in some water? … do you have some system of drying your ass after? … this water method really leaves a lot to chance
what if you shit a lot and the water supply in the bottle isn’t enough or doesn’t have enough pressure to get the shit off of your ass? … a roll of toilet paper can go a long way if you ate something raunchy, and you can clean it as hard as you need to without your hand touching the shit, but a water bottle can only hold so much and you can only spray it out so fast …
also, how do you know when you’re done wiping your ass?? … with paper you can see that nothing else is coming off, but you would have to do a ‘hand test’ to make sure with the water system
seems to be a dangerous way to take a shit – too many things to go horribly wrong
You gotta do what you gotta do, none of these are really bizarre when you think about it.
I know I am not the only one who has taken a dump in the woods.
Rizzla’s anyone?
about the middle eastern thing, they use water with their fingers, so eventually they wipe the stool of there asses with water first , remove the remaining with their fingers, and then wash their hands with soap,
and why left hand not right, coz you do every thing with your right hand, you eat, you drink and other stuff that you would be disgusted to do knowing that you wash your shit with this hand
dear dude, you are way off with the indians. They use water and their left hand to clean! next time do a research or someones gonna come and wipe their ass on your head for sure next time!
Here are ?? or ??????
the ancient chinese methode once used to wipe ass in
china, taiwan, japan, thailand etc.
http://zh.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E5%8E%95%E7%AD%B9
http://www.dek-d.com/board/view.php?id=1038785
Not all Norwegians were Vikings you stupid racist fuck. That’s like saying that all black people are LA Crips. Oh also you don’t slaughter a lamb for it’s wool… you can just cut it off. The Nords of the past had a diverse and rich culture that get’s completely forgotten due to the fact that they also had the best criminals.
Cry please.
This article is shit. I could have come out with something better on the toilet. You must have grown up in a dump. I can’t believe I wasted tab number 2 in my web browser on this digital paper for five minutes. I want my five minutes back, and you better give them to me or else hope I don’t get you down a long dark, back alley.
Edit: Pun intended. I’m retarded this early in the morning.
Nevermind, it was just a crap joke.
Your writing voice is annoying, Jason. This article was meh
We can surely train people to do more to inhibit their disdainful and offended responses in face-to-face interactions with those perceived as physically unattractive. ,
Bing too soon, you always get the excerpt. ,
Love your blog. Can’t wait to see what you write about. Go for it!