We’ve all been a situation where someone forgot to restock the toilet paper. Thankfully, we can usually get around this situation by banging on the stall door “Hey need a little TP here please.” If you’re at home with no TP, you might even skip wiping completely by hopping in the shower, spreading your butt cheeks, and letting the warm water do the rest.
Our ancestors weren’t that lucky. We’re going to take a look at some items that were actually used, when it came time to clean up a crack, after a deuce had been dropped.
Lambs Wool – When the Vikings weren’t destroying stuff they were eating, drinking, and shitting. Not having anything to wipe with was never really an issue. They’d simply do what they do best (slaughter something), take the wool, and throw the rest in a stew. Seconds please.
Frayed Anchor Line – “Ahoy matey! Me have to wipe my butt taaaaarrr.” Thats right, sailors and pirates often resorted to the frayed ropes from sails and anchor lines. We can only imagine what one of those looked like after a handful of uses.
Stones – The Greeks made use of their surroundings by picking up smooth rocks and stones. Seeing that perfect rock to skip across a pond may have sparked an inner monologue.
- Dude this rock is going to skip a pond like a mofo, I should get at least 5 hops out of it.
- Wait, I may have to take a dump later.
- Screw it I’ll toss this one into the lake, and find another one if I have to shit.
- On second thought, breakfast is starting to knock at the backdoor – skipping stones can wait.
Sponge Sticks – Ancient Romans were pretty open about where they pinched a loaf. They also didn’t mind placing something into their buttocks which had recently cleaned up another mans number two. After wiping with a sponge that was attached to a stick, they would place the sponge back into a bowl of saltwater. Using saltwater is much more sanitary when it comes to using recycled poo sponges.
Corncobs – So you thought that corncobs were only used to plug an orifice when it came to Japanese porn right? Wrong. In the wild wild west you might have been stuck using a corn cob. You never hear a cowboy say “Hey Earl that gun fight scared the shit out of me.” That isn’t because hes tough. They knew that they should only drop the kids off at the pool when they absolutely needed to, for a raw rump was on the horizon.
Hemp – For those of you reading who enjoy the herb, you may want to skip this one. As shocking as it may sound, the French often used hemp. In their defense, this wasn’t the kind that is being enjoyed at this very moment, by the campus stoners under a large oak tree.
Coconut Shells – Hawaiians really did some out of the box thinking when they decided that coconut shells would be their TP of choice. Why settle for soft ocean sea weed when you can really get up in there with a jagged coconut shell?
Tundra Moss – Eskimos, much like the sailors really didn’t have a lot to work with. Luckily, the vast tundra plains are covered in a relatively soft moss. And if we’re being completely logical, you really wouldn’t have to gather the moss if nature gave you a call, while outside. Simply drag your turd cutter across the moss once you have finished (sort of like a dog with worms on your moms white carpet).
Left Hand – Mideastern cultures found it acceptable to wipe with their left hand. This method is often still practiced in India. Why the left hand? Because touching shit with your right hand was supposedly disgusting (while rifling through your dingle berries with your left was fine). If you visited India today you may even find yourself in a situation where there isn’t any TP. The only difference is: Instead of tossing some paper under your stall – the guy next to you might mutter:
Conclusion: Next time you’re about to burst a blood vessel because your roommate didn’t restock the WC, be creative – you’ve got a lot of options. You may even give the old left hand a try, shortly before handling his toothbrush.