Regretful Morning

8 Overkill Punishments Dished out by Greek Gods

Posted February 25th, 2009 at 11:30 am by

 

The Greeks brought the world a number of awesome things.  The first Olympics, delicious Gyros, but most importantly The Greek Gods.  Today we’re going to jump into the Delorian and take a look at what might have happened if you somehow disappointed one of them.

zeus-greek-mythology-687267_1024_768

Does the punishment fit the crime?  In many cases we’d like to say no, but we’ll let you be the judge.

Actaeon – Actaeon was a hunter who spent his days chasing wild life with his hound dogs.  One afternoon he was hunting in the woods when he stumbled across Artemis who was bathing.  Like any heterosexual male, he took a moment to admire her cans.

actaeon

 

His Punishment - Artemis didn’t like the fact that she was being stared at by a nobody, so she cursed him with forbidden speech.  Talking would result in a shape shift.  Basically he had to shut the fuck up for the rest of his life or he would turn into a deer.  Sadly, he couldn’t keep quiet long and he tried to call out to his hunting party.  Upon doing so, he was turned into a stag and ripped to pieces by his own dogs.  Pretty steep fine for accidentally stumbling across a set of tits.

Arachne – Archne was a weaver, and a damn good one.  Like many people who become the best at something, she slowly started to develop a monster ego.  She even went so far as to tell people that she could out weave Athena (the goddess of wisdom and war as well as the weaving arts).  Athena gets pissed, disguises herself, and challenges Archne to a ‘weave off’.  Arachne weaves up several portraits of the gods displaying infidelity (oops).  Although the tapestry was flawless, it sent Athena into a rage.

arachnerzd180346

Her Punishment – Athena (now pissed) completely destroys Arachne’s work, and touches her forehead.  Doing so instilled the notion of guilt upon her.  This sent Arachne into a depression and eventually she hanged herself.  Now feeling bad that Arachne had off’d herself, Athena decides to bring  her back to life…as a fucking spider.

IO – Zeus liked to play the field.  One of the hunnies he liked to mess with was a slammin’ betty named IO.  One day they were getting it on, when Zeus’ jealous wife (Hera) rolls up on them.  Not wanting to get caught, Zeus quickly turned IO into a cow.  Hera wasn’t completely fooled though so she demanded the cow as a gift.

io

Her Punishment – Poor IO really didn’t do anything wrong.  Sure she was grabbing her ankles for Zeus, but what would’ve happened if she had said no? Exactly.  Eventually Zeus decides he wants her back so he gets Hermes to kill Argus (who was gaurding IO in her cow state).  The now very jealous (and bat shit crazy) Hera just became more upset and had a gadfly chase down IO, stinging her in the ass, so she could never rest again.

Sisyphus – Zeus had taken the daughter of the river god Asopus for his sexual desires.  Sisyphus knew where she was, so he made a stupid move and told Asopus of her whereabouts.

sisyphus

His Punishment – Naturally this made Zeus furious, so he gave him a slap on the wrist.  By slap on the wrist I mean, being cursed to push a gigantic boulder up a hill, only to have it roll back down again – for eternity.

Narkissos – This guy was a regular lady killer.  By the time he was 15 years old, every girl in town wanted to be with him.  One day, a nymph by the name of Echo stalked him into the woods.  When she finally showed herself he wasn’t the least bit interested and basically said “tits or gtfo” (without the tits part).  This devastated Echo.

narkissos

His Punishment – Since Echo was a total crybaby, she spent the rest of her life doing so, until Nemesis heard her prayers.  Apparently Nemesis was tired of her belly aching as well so he decided to give Narkissos a taste of his own medicine.  Later, Narkissos saw his reflection in the water, fell love with it, realized that it was an image of himself, and died (knowing he couldn’t act upon his love).  His soul was sent to the darkest hell (the narcissus flower grew where his body once laid).  Keep this story in mind next time you’re about to shun the girl with fucked up teeth at the bar.

Ixion – One evening Zeus invited Ixion over for dinner.  The not so bright Ixion started to lust after Hera.  Playing footsie with Zeus’ old lady was definitely frowned upon, so he was scolded and told to stop.  Being a generous host, Zeus invites Ixion to stay the night.  To test his loyality he formed a cloud like replica of his wife and sent her to Ixion’s room.  Ixion, without missing a beat, hit that shit.

ixion1

His Punishment – Zeus was done giving this guy warnings so fired a lightning bolt at him.  He wasn’t quite satisfied with just a lightning bolt though so he fastened him to burning wheel…for eternity.

Tiresias – This guy once came across two snakes mating, so he decided to kill one of them (the female snake).  For some reason this turned him into a woman.  Years later he saw different set of snakes mating, so he killed the male this time, turning him back into a man.  Meanwhile, Zeus and his woman (Hera) were arguing about who gets the most pleasure out of sex, the man or the woman.  They called upon Tiresias to settle this (since he had been bent over quite a few times when he was in his female state).  Tiresias explained that men give 10 times more pleasure then they receive during sex.

tiresias-iii

His Punishment - Surprise, surprise – Hera is fucking fired up yet again.  Displeased with losing the argument, she decides to blind poor Tiresias.  Zeus was like “Damn dude I hate when she gets in these moods, I can’t get your eyes back but I will extend your life by 7 and also give you the gift of foresight.”  There really isn’t a moral here besides ‘never try to win an argument with a woman’.

Prometheus – It is said that without Prometheus, mankind would have never had fire.  He did this by putting some hot coal in a fennel-stalk that he took from the gods, then gave the contraption we call fire, back to the humans.

prometh_eagle

His Punishment - Zeus did not like this act of betrayal so he chained Prometheus to a rock.  That doesn’t seem to bad does it?  Oh I forgot to mention that a motherfucking eagle swoops down every day to eat out his liver which regenerated at night.

Conclusion: Sure the gods were a bit harsh, and sometimes I’d go so far as to say they were being assholes, but look what it accomplished.  People knew that if they messed up, they’d be eating a shit sandwich (possibly for eternity).  Wouldn’t you feel a whole lot better if the douchebag who cut you off in the Ford Ranger got a Greek God smack down?  “Dear Zeus, some bro in a Ranger just cut me off, also his bumper sticker said ‘Hera sucks dick’.”

You can be certain that this was his last act of freeway disrespect for awhile.

 

 

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74 Comments
  • Well...
    February 25, 2009
    Reply


    #1

    The God’s may have gone too far with a few things, but if I found my husband cheating on me for the hundreth time(this is Zues after all) hell yeah i would take that tramp he turned into a cow, but I would eat her infront of him. Mmm BBQ

  • z
    February 25, 2009
    Reply


    #2

    Another good one is the Story of Lamia, another chick Zeus was knocking boots with. Hera found out and killed all of Lamia’s Children, Blinded her with the sight of their dead bodies and then turned her into a half woman-half snake monster. Hell has no fury right…

  • phil
    February 25, 2009
    Reply


    #3

    this would be a funny site and a good read if you didnt use such sexist language. it completely takes away from any point you were trying to make

  • datora
    February 25, 2009
    Reply


    #4

    You completely did not research Prometheus (‘forethought’). Zeus created Pandora and gave Woman to the world – including her gift of insatiable curiosity – as punishment for obtaining fire for Man. Pandora was given curiosity specifically so that she would open her wedding gift (a honey urn), and thus releasing the evils hidden in there. Pandora was the wife of Epimetheus (‘afterthought’) – because Prometheus was too smart to accept her as a wife – as a gift of the gods. Epimetheus & Prometheus were two of the Titans, who existed before the gods and were ever at war with them; playing practical jokes on each other was standard and ongoing fare between the Titans and the gods. Prometheus once ate the premium cuts of a sacrificial animal for Zeus, and left a skin bag filled with bones and offal … which Zeus ate. Zeus chained Prometheus to the mountain, where an eagle (or maybe a vulture) ate his liver each night. Heracles eventually killed the bird and freed Prometheus as one of his 12 Great Labors. This is from 10th grade Greek mythology. Suggest you stop using Wikipedia as your sole source. 30 seconds of googling would have shown you the true and ancient versions as told in Greek and Roman mythology.

    • Jason
      February 25, 2009
      Reply


      #5

      Every single one of these stories has more than one version. I was going for the subtle crime yet harsh punishment angle. Can we still be friends please?

  • Pelly
    February 25, 2009
    Reply


    #6

    Good article, but does it have to be so vulgar?

  • Steve
    February 25, 2009
    Reply


    #7

    “This would be a funny site…if you didn’t use such sexist language”
    “Good article, but does it have to be so vulgar?”

    God, have I timetravelled into the 1930s? Get a grip people. If this sort of thing offends you then I’m amazed you can step outside the door each day.

    • Jason
      February 25, 2009
      Reply


      #8

      If http://gorillamask.net/ posts the article you’ll start to see more of the “rofl zeus destroyed mother fuckers” type of comments.

  • Miker
    February 25, 2009
    Reply


    #9

    That’s why I stay away from the real Greek Gods and roll my own: http://www.generatorland.com/generators/greek_god_generator_gl.php

  • KO
    February 25, 2009
    Reply


    #10

    Turks invented the concept of Gyro’s. Doner. Greeks, honestly you have way more significant accomplishments, I don’t know why you feel the need to take that one.

  • aevear
    February 25, 2009
    Reply


    #11

    im actually ok with the sexist language, it helps put the point across

  • Radomir Jordanovic
    February 26, 2009
    Reply


    #12

    datora, it’s Hercules and not Heracles IIRC.

  • AnonyStumbler
    February 26, 2009
    Reply


    #13

    lol.. been watching too much late night TV?

    It’s Heracles.

    We fucked it up into Hercules.

    Same guy though.

    On topic: Nice article, amusing. Thumbs up.

  • Zera
    February 26, 2009
    Reply


    #14

    I”m ok with the language too. Even the stuff that some consider sexist.

    but then again, I’m married.

  • joedemo42
    February 26, 2009
    Reply


    #15

    Man, this is incredibly hillarious. You made my day.

    Thanks! :-)

  • fsda
    February 26, 2009
    Reply


    #16

    It’s not sexism, it’s parody. It’s not extremely clever, but it’s cute and funny.

  • Tiffany
    February 26, 2009
    Reply


    #17

    Either work. Heracles and Hercules are the same mythological person. It’s just spelled different depending on your source.

  • grumula
    February 26, 2009
    Reply


    #18

    its true, there are hundreds of variations of each myth, and even the lineage of the gods themselves, read the collected greek myths part one and two by robert graves(definitive), before getting all high and mighty. googling isn’t the be all end all either.

  • grumula
    February 26, 2009
    Reply


    #19

    (‘Suggest you stop using Wikipedia as your sole source. 30 seconds of googling would have shown you the true and ancient versions as told in Greek and Roman mythology.’)~datora

    its true, there are hundreds of variations of each myth, and even the lineage of the gods themselves, read the collected greek myths part one and two by robert graves(definitive), before getting all high and mighty. googling isn’t the be all end all either.

  • Jason Ewton
    February 26, 2009
    Reply


    #20

    Regarding the sexist language…

    What’s sexist about this post? The fact that the author says “tits”? Who decides what’s sexists? People who moan (oops is moan sexists?) about the so-called sexist nature of this post need to do a shot and get laid.

    “The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously!”

    – Friedrich Nietzsche

  • Tedel
    February 26, 2009
    Reply


    #21

    Cool story. Can you drop a line saying where can I learn more about GReek Mythology? I would appreciate it.

  • Hor
    February 26, 2009
    Reply


    #22

    I don’t think “Hera sucks dick” would offend Zeus. He would probably say, “Yes, she does. Gives the best head you can ever imagine :)

  • heralover
    February 26, 2009
    Reply


    #23

    Funny and made me laugh in these f*cking times.

    Zeus comes across as a male chauvinist pig. He can play the field while Hera should wear a chastity belt. what crap

    Come here Hera baby for a nice luvin :-)

  • Alan
    February 26, 2009
    Reply


    #24

    Actually, Prometheus WAS chained for stealing fire, Pandora was given to Prometheus’ brother (whom Prometheus had warned not to accept gifts from the gods). Pandora was given curiosity and did open the box. The reason Prometheus and Epimetheus were not sent to Tartarus with the other titans was because they fought with the Gods, rather than with the Titans during the war.
    Prometheus did not eat the premium cuts of a sacrificial animal.
    Prometheus was helping humans with sacrifice and put all the premium cuts of meat into one bag and gristle, bones with a few cuts of meat on top into one bag and gave Zeus a choice. Zeus chose the bag full of gristle and bones because it looked fuller.
    And the playing tricks thing is just wrong. Completely.
    They were at war because the gods wanted to over throw the titans and rule. They succeeded and the titans were sent to Tartarus.

  • Sami
    February 26, 2009
    Reply


    #25

    Radomir, Anony, & Tiffany,

    It’s Heracles in Greek mythology – even though Zeus had Heracles with a different woman, he named him after his wife Hera. She was pissed and tried to kill him though.
    When the Romans took over and couldn’t develop their own mythology, the took pretty much every Greek god and renamed it (Zeus – Jupiter; Hera – Juno; Aprodite – Venus; .. you get the picture)
    They were still too uncreative to come up with a couple new names – Apollo was still Apollo and Heracles just changed to Hercules.

    • marassaya
      March 6, 2009
      Reply


      #26

      As I’ve always heard it, Hera was also the goddess of home, hearth and MATRIMONY. hmm… I wonder why the goddess of marriage would be pissed if her husband were cheating with every girl in sight. I think she had good reason to be pissed. her actions a bit extreme, yes.

  • neraida the black fairy
    February 26, 2009
    Reply


    #27

    nice :) i am from Greece and of course i know all these stories :) i red them with pleasure :)

  • Dancing Nymph
    February 26, 2009
    Reply


    #28

    Nice! I’ve always enjoyed Greek Myth… and I like the way you write, too… hmmm… and great site you got here!

  • Amy
    February 26, 2009
    Reply


    #29

    That was just too awesome! LOVE the vulgar-sexist-cynical-yet-we’re-being-educated style of writing you use! Reminds me of this guy that used to post a synopsis of Party of Five back in the 90s. He used the same rhythm.

    Excellent, Jason! You have nailed my sense of humor. And I never leave comments online.

    • Jason
      February 27, 2009
      Reply


      #30

      Thanks Amy! You single?

      • Amy
        February 28, 2009
        Reply


        #31

        Sorry, Jason, no. ; )

        I’ll look you up when I am!

  • WRK01
    February 26, 2009
    Reply


    #32

    Absolutely brilliant!
    I must say out of all deities out there the Greek ones certainly lived the most unique lives.
    And everything couldn’t have been worded more perfect!

  • man
    February 27, 2009
    Reply


    #33

    stop being such a bitch phil. find ur ballsac

  • Cari
    February 28, 2009
    Reply


    #34

    Ha I love the “tits or gtfo”. I say stuff like that all the time, and sadly people give me crap for it too..

    Also, I’m pretty sure Nemesis was a goddess. ;-P

  • wednesday
    March 1, 2009
    Reply


    #35

    Someone once said that when the gods of men were more human, men were more godlike. I think he had a point, but not quite in the way he may have meant. You’ve done a good job highlighting how the Greek gods behaved like typical mortal men and women given to many tantrums and the ultimate power to use and abuse.

  • ck
    March 1, 2009
    Reply


    #36

    haha this was a good read.
    I’ve always loved greek mythology as a kid, but never really understood it completely. If i had this when i was younger everything would have made a lot more sense.

    There is a lot more to the Sisyphus story though. I forgot who wrote it, but it talks about how Sisyphus made his punishment into something worthwhile and meaningful as he changed the context of his punishment. He made pushing the boulder up the hill into a goal like achievement therefor having the punishment backfire in Zeus’ face because it was no longer a punishment for Sisyphus. I thought that was an interesting note i’d like to share. Learned about it in my Modern/Post Modern literature class.

  • K.
    March 2, 2009
    Reply


    #37

    Seriously. Your attempt at personalizing the Greek stories is ridiculous. It’s impossible to respect you as a scholar or even a dude who’s interested in Greek mythology. Bite some soap.

  • Aurore
    March 2, 2009
    Reply


    #38

    If it weren’t for constant cussing, I would like it. There were some unnecessary lines put in there to emphasize the point, but they also got just irritating. The topic itself is amusing enough, do we need to gild a lily, so to speak?

  • Mabel
    March 3, 2009
    Reply


    #39

    Phil, you rock ty for that

  • chap
    March 3, 2009
    Reply


    #40

    Honestly, I don’t get why people are offended by your vocabulary. If they don’t like it, then they should write their own damn article on ridiculous punishments by the Greek gods. I found some glaring grammatical errors more offensive than your language, but I let it slide. It happens. People need to calm down and have a fucking laugh.

    • Jason
      March 3, 2009
      Reply


      #41

      Thanks Chap! Can you use your cyber laser pointer to show me the errors? Only takes a sec to fix.

  • Aurore
    March 3, 2009
    Reply


    #42

    God.
    It was good, there’s just a few unnecessary things in it.
    “Basically he had to shut the fuck up for the rest of his life or he would turn into a deer.”
    Really now. We got the point, and it was funny without the bad sarcasm.

  • Morgan
    March 4, 2009
    Reply


    #43

    While these are pretty hefty punishments, you are not giving the full backstory. Take Actaeon and Artemis for example: Artemis was a virgin goddess unapproachable by men because her chastity was so great. She did everything she could to maintain and protect that reputation. It wasn’t just because she was insulted that he was “staring at her cans.” While you may or may not agree with the punishment or her reasoning, you absolutely CANNOT leave out the whole story.

    • Pam
      March 4, 2009
      Reply


      #44

      I noticed this too. The story of Athena is also incorrect by I couldn’t read beyond that one because it was so damn annoying. All mortals were punished by the gods for having too much “hubris” – Greek for pride. If you know anything about or have studied mythology this would infuriate you too.

  • NijimaSan
    March 4, 2009
    Reply


    #45

    As flies to wanton boys, are we to the gods;
    They kill us for their sport.
    -William Shakespeare, King Lear

  • NijimaSan
    March 4, 2009
    Reply


    #46

    I’m surprised Tantalus wasn’t in there. Subby could have f’d that one up too.

  • JP
    March 5, 2009
    Reply


    #47

    I just found out the other day that Kevin Sorbo is the half son of Zeus.

    http://www.kevinsorbo.net

  • Neha
    March 5, 2009
    Reply


    #48

    Wow, okay so this was definitely hilarious and I am a huge fan of Greek Mythology. Thank you for the entertainment!

  • Jan
    March 6, 2009
    Reply


    #49

    Dude, Nemesis is a woman, not a “he”. And Hercules and Heracles (or Herakles) are counterparts–the former is Roman and the latter is Greek like Bacchus and Dionysus, Persepina and Persephone, Pluto and Hades, etc. So it’s not spelling preference; it’s all about Greek versus Roman adaptation.

  • Bradleigh H Horton
    March 6, 2009
    Reply


    #50

    Wow!

  • dragonlordwarlock
    March 6, 2009
    Reply


    #51

    Sometimes, the rewards from the Greek gods can be strange at times too. Case in point, Baucis and Philemon, the reward for showing Zeus and Hermes hospitality was to be turned into two intertwined trees. Yes it fulfills their wishes in part (to never be separated) but two trees? Ok, maybe from a modern perspective this just seems a horrible fate.

  • marassaya
    March 6, 2009
    Reply


    #52

    As I’ve always heard it, Hera was also the goddess of home, hearth and MATRIMONY. hmm… I wonder why the goddess of marriage would be pissed if her husband were cheating with every girl in sight. I think she had good reason to be pissed. her actions a bit extreme, yes.

  • Ize
    March 7, 2009
    Reply


    #53

    Dude. I fucking love this. And the language just adds on to it. Now I’m not gonna be all snobbish and act like I’m a Greek Mythology connoisseur, but I do dabble, and while some of the stories aren’t completely accurate, you have the gist of em. But yeah. Totally fucking love this.

  • Lydia
    March 7, 2009
    Reply


    #54

    I thought the article was funny. It took these long stories and made them short slightly vulgar jokes.

    great job.

  • brad
    March 8, 2009
    Reply


    #55

    great read.

    to everyone whos complaing about too sexist or too vulgar : waa

    have you seen the fucking internet? give your head a shake

  • LBUG.tv
    March 13, 2009
    Reply


    #56

    I know these stories well and still really enjoyed this post. You’ve got to look at things in context. It may not be the definitive telling of these myths, but really is this the kind of place you would be looking for it anyway?

    You people really need to get some sense of perspective.

  • Yeah Right
    March 18, 2009
    Reply


    #57

    You should make a list of the 5 reasons this site is a lame knock-off of cracked.com

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