The Greeks brought the world a number of awesome things. The first Olympics, delicious Gyros, but most importantly The Greek Gods. Today we’re going to jump into the Delorian and take a look at what might have happened if you somehow disappointed one of them.
Does the punishment fit the crime? In many cases we’d like to say no, but we’ll let you be the judge.
Actaeon – Actaeon was a hunter who spent his days chasing wild life with his hound dogs. One afternoon he was hunting in the woods when he stumbled across Artemis who was bathing. Like any heterosexual male, he took a moment to admire her cans.
His Punishment – Artemis didn’t like the fact that she was being stared at by a nobody, so she cursed him with forbidden speech. Talking would result in a shape shift. Basically he had to shut the fuck up for the rest of his life or he would turn into a deer. Sadly, he couldn’t keep quiet long and he tried to call out to his hunting party. Upon doing so, he was turned into a stag and ripped to pieces by his own dogs. Pretty steep fine for accidentally stumbling across a set of tits.
Arachne – Archne was a weaver, and a damn good one. Like many people who become the best at something, she slowly started to develop a monster ego. She even went so far as to tell people that she could out weave Athena (the goddess of wisdom and war as well as the weaving arts). Athena gets pissed, disguises herself, and challenges Archne to a ‘weave off’. Arachne weaves up several portraits of the gods displaying infidelity (oops). Although the tapestry was flawless, it sent Athena into a rage.
Her Punishment – Athena (now pissed) completely destroys Arachne’s work, and touches her forehead. Doing so instilled the notion of guilt upon her. This sent Arachne into a depression and eventually she hanged herself. Now feeling bad that Arachne had off’d herself, Athena decides to bring her back to life…as a fucking spider.
IO – Zeus liked to play the field. One of the hunnies he liked to mess with was a slammin’ betty named IO. One day they were getting it on, when Zeus’ jealous wife (Hera) rolls up on them. Not wanting to get caught, Zeus quickly turned IO into a cow. Hera wasn’t completely fooled though so she demanded the cow as a gift.
Her Punishment – Poor IO really didn’t do anything wrong. Sure she was grabbing her ankles for Zeus, but what would’ve happened if she had said no? Exactly. Eventually Zeus decides he wants her back so he gets Hermes to kill Argus (who was gaurding IO in her cow state). The now very jealous (and bat shit crazy) Hera just became more upset and had a gadfly chase down IO, stinging her in the ass, so she could never rest again.
Sisyphus – Zeus had taken the daughter of the river god Asopus for his sexual desires. Sisyphus knew where she was, so he made a stupid move and told Asopus of her whereabouts.
His Punishment – Naturally this made Zeus furious, so he gave him a slap on the wrist. By slap on the wrist I mean, being cursed to push a gigantic boulder up a hill, only to have it roll back down again – for eternity.
Narkissos – This guy was a regular lady killer. By the time he was 15 years old, every girl in town wanted to be with him. One day, a nymph by the name of Echo stalked him into the woods. When she finally showed herself he wasn’t the least bit interested and basically said “tits or gtfo” (without the tits part). This devastated Echo.
His Punishment – Since Echo was a total crybaby, she spent the rest of her life doing so, until Nemesis heard her prayers. Apparently Nemesis was tired of her belly aching as well so he decided to give Narkissos a taste of his own medicine. Later, Narkissos saw his reflection in the water, fell love with it, realized that it was an image of himself, and died (knowing he couldn’t act upon his love). His soul was sent to the darkest hell (the narcissus flower grew where his body once laid). Keep this story in mind next time you’re about to shun the girl with fucked up teeth at the bar.
Ixion – One evening Zeus invited Ixion over for dinner. The not so bright Ixion started to lust after Hera. Playing footsie with Zeus’ old lady was definitely frowned upon, so he was scolded and told to stop. Being a generous host, Zeus invites Ixion to stay the night. To test his loyality he formed a cloud like replica of his wife and sent her to Ixion’s room. Ixion, without missing a beat, hit that shit.
His Punishment – Zeus was done giving this guy warnings so fired a lightning bolt at him. He wasn’t quite satisfied with just a lightning bolt though so he fastened him to burning wheel…for eternity.
Tiresias – This guy once came across two snakes mating, so he decided to kill one of them (the female snake). For some reason this turned him into a woman. Years later he saw different set of snakes mating, so he killed the male this time, turning him back into a man. Meanwhile, Zeus and his woman (Hera) were arguing about who gets the most pleasure out of sex, the man or the woman. They called upon Tiresias to settle this (since he had been bent over quite a few times when he was in his female state). Tiresias explained that men give 10 times more pleasure then they receive during sex.
His Punishment – Surprise, surprise – Hera is fucking fired up yet again. Displeased with losing the argument, she decides to blind poor Tiresias. Zeus was like “Damn dude I hate when she gets in these moods, I can’t get your eyes back but I will extend your life by 7 and also give you the gift of foresight.” There really isn’t a moral here besides ‘never try to win an argument with a woman’.
Prometheus – It is said that without Prometheus, mankind would have never had fire. He did this by putting some hot coal in a fennel-stalk that he took from the gods, then gave the contraption we call fire, back to the humans.
His Punishment – Zeus did not like this act of betrayal so he chained Prometheus to a rock. That doesn’t seem to bad does it? Oh I forgot to mention that a motherfucking eagle swoops down every day to eat out his liver which regenerated at night.
Conclusion: Sure the gods were a bit harsh, and sometimes I’d go so far as to say they were being assholes, but look what it accomplished. People knew that if they messed up, they’d be eating a shit sandwich (possibly for eternity). Wouldn’t you feel a whole lot better if the douchebag who cut you off in the Ford Ranger got a Greek God smack down? “Dear Zeus, some bro in a Ranger just cut me off, also his bumper sticker said ‘Hera sucks dick’.”
You can be certain that this was his last act of freeway disrespect for awhile.